Dewdrops of Thoughts

Genghis: Birth of an Empire

2010-06-27T09:40:00.000-07:00

Just finished reading this book and I have to admit though not transfixing... it was certainly entertaining...

Being a total history buff, I tend more towards reading historically based novels.... it feeds my travel hungry soul!

The book gives an excellent description of the Mongolian landscape and the hardships places by the wandering tribes... I could almost imagine myself in the place. Though some of the historical facts have been tweaked a bit to make the novel interesting, it seems to stick to the essence of the "dreaded Khan"... I think the novel manages to be illuminating while being entertaining...

You find your heart going out and rooting for young Temujin (the future Genghis Khan) when he and his family are left to fend for themselves in the harsh Mongolian plains.. you cannot help but admire the feistiness of the mother, Houlen who manages to keep the young kids alive through the winter at sub zero temperatures with no roof on the head...

I, for one will definitely read the next in the series, Bones of the hills....

The characteristics of an ideal, perfect Tava Roti (Indian Bread)

2010-04-16T14:03:00.000-07:00

Yes, I can make one… from a scratch. Well, being an Indian, it is nothing really to boast about and frankly, it is probably a very easy task. However, making a simple Roti is probably easy, but making a perfect one is a totally different story!

So to begin with the question is how do you make the Roti??

The recipe is as simple as it gets. All you need is (a) 2 cups of atta (wheat flour) (b) ¾ cup of water (c) a pinch of salt. Mix all these ingredients together in a bowl and knead it to make smooth dough.

You then form small lemon sized dough rounds and flatten each one to around 8 inch diameter using a rolling pin. Finally you cook this evenly on both sides on a skillet (or as Indian’s would say “Tava”). Your roti is now ready to eat !

Sounds easy enough eh? But to get an “perfect” roti, is an art in itself. A “perfect” roti has to be “perfectly round” and soft enough to melt while you eat with that “Hot curry”.

Alas. Therein lies the issue… first you need to mix the dough just right, if you over knead it you end up with “ultra hard cracker-style” rotis… if you mix it too loose.. it’s a pain to roll. After many attempts and a few dirty looks from my hubby about having to eat my creations, I think I have finally got the initial art of mixing the dough just right.

But my attempts at making those perfectly round “circular, even radii” roti’s has been a total disaster. I can proudly state that I can make all the shapes and sizes of the roti… will all, except for the round shape. of the various countries (of course, that is not by any design), but try as I may there is no way I can get a round one.

Trust me I have tried and tried… very diligently too! But after trying all I can, the art of making those perfect “coveted” round rotis totally escapes me.

So, I have a solution for when I make roti’s for some one else other than hubby and me… I call it “the knife carving method of making rotis”. Roll your dough out, don’t worry about the shape and then take a round lid , place it on top of the rolled dough and use knife to cut the extras. VOILA… you now have a perfectly round roti’s…

Some may call it cheating.. but I call it the art of knife carving roti.... works for me (Totally!)

Why I love Spring: Top 10 reasons

2010-04-14T14:20:00.000-07:00

It comes right after the dreaded “winter”
It brings a "spring" to my step.
No more snow to shovel (Totally love the fact !! )
The chirping of birds outside my window (I wanna chrip too) .
The feel the sun on the face (right in sync with my Indian sensibilities)
The cool wind on my face while biking (Feel like singing aloud sometimes)
Walking amidst the greenery makes heart pump stronger (or so I suppose).
Longer days (Ah! the charm of illusion of more time.... )
I get to wear finally wear dresses, skirts and sleeveless tops. (Yay! )
Most importantly, It makes me Smile (pointlessly).

Expansion of the off-shore oil drilling... where are we headed...?

2010-04-12T19:09:00.000-07:00

I have to admit I am a little disappointed with the new approach Obama administration is taking towards the offshore oil drilling. The fact that now the previously restricted portions of Atlantic and gulf of Mexico will soon be a oil and gas drilling field, makes me think of the numerous fauna and flora which will cease to exist.

Yes, I agree that with the new technological advances the oil spills, once rampant, are a vague (very vague) possibility. But, at the same time, it is essential for us to focus very heavily on developing other oil-substituting resources. Personally, I feel, that an increase in off shore oil drilling, will just encourage the folks to extend the timeline for maturity of the other natural resources.

It is a pity, that when Saudi Arabia and other rich oil producing countries are focusing on developing solar and other renewable energy sources, Kudos is being given to the new expansion plans for offshore drilling. I am not saying that solar is the way to go, but I am surely saying that there are other resources out there (perhaps natural gas, wind energy etc) which need belief and a need of urgency to actually meet its true potential.

It has oft been told "Necessity is the mother of all inventions"... so if we don't make the need essential and an necessity, the inventions will happen.. but eventually......and slowly.. ... perhaps too slowly !!

Think about that!

9/5: A note , Venice

2009-10-05T20:01:00.000-07:00

I had some of my best Italian food today in Venice.. Ah! That Pizza with fresh tomatoes and onions was something truly to experience.

With my "extra retarded" knife and fork skills, I had my gallant husband come to my rescue. With that custom cut Pizza I could finally savor each bite.

The pesto Spaghetti dinner with a ultra YUM Tiramisu gelato.... makes me want some more...

I think I am going to like Italy.......

Glimpses of Venices

2009-10-05T19:48:00.000-07:00

The famous Rialto Bridge

The First view of Venice from the Rialto Bridge.. SIGH SIGH

9/5: Our First Day in Italy: Venice

2009-10-05T18:58:00.000-07:00

Being seated in the center seat in the airplane has some disadvantages, the chief amongst them being unable to get a clear glimpse of Italy from air. However, being an Indian, a race with a reputation of making things work, I was able to, by craning my neck a lil' get my first glimpse of Italian mountains (Dolomite perhaps?), which I have to admit did not awe me! Blame it on the Peruvian Andes which I saw last year. However, given the fact that my view was not really the best, I decided to let the first impressions rest.. atleast a lil' while longer!!

Armed with a bus and water taxi tickets, we were all set to begin our Italian adventure in the fabled “lovers paradise: Venice”

And lo! Venice, with wide canals (which BTW were much larger than I had imagined), throngs of people, water taxis jutting by, this place had certainly earned itz reputation of being unique. Sitting on the front row in the water taxi, I could not complain about the view. I was all set to fall for Venice, even a much colder Venice than I expected!

After depositing out bags in Hotel Bernadi we wandered, hand in hand, onto the narrow streets and up to the Rialto Bridge. From atop the Bridge, you get what some may call “A picture Perfect Venice”. The blue gondola's sailing along makes you sigh and as you seek that comfortable shoulder next to you.. you just know that you will love Italy....

Gobi Manchurian

2009-08-27T20:19:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite dishes : The Gobi Manchurian

The picture is from a while back, but hey these are one of those rare few times when I can actually boast that I cooked something that looked this good…

Just could not resist putting this picture in… some ego is always a good thing.. right??? J

Karkady: the Hibiscus tea from Land of Pharaoh

2009-08-27T19:40:00.000-07:00

As I sat in my office sipping the hot Tazo “Passion” tea, my mind kept wandering to the deep red colors of the Hibiscus tea. We were first introduced to this tea (also called Karkady) in Egypt. Offered everywhere, in restaurants, hotels, café and stores, this was the drink of my choice during our tour there.

The tangy tasting liquid may not suit many taste buds (including my hubby, who did not care much for it), but being one of those few Indians who does not like Chai (YES! I do not care for Indian Chai), the Karkady suited my taste buds just fine! I am a total sucker for drinks like this....

Made from the dried, dark red petals of the Hibiscus flower, the color of this drink is down right fascinating. You swirl it and as the light falls on it, you can actually see different hues of red and there are some reds which I swear I have hardly ever seen. Amidst the smoke swirling off the Shisha ( the Egyptian Hookah), sipping this tea is an experience hard to forget…….ahh those memories …all that remains is but those memories..................

Anyway, on the bright side I did get some dried Hibiscus petals from Egypt (surprisingly cheap), but could not brew a good cup of tea . Today however, I was determined, so here I was back from work, exhausted yet looking through the internet ... googling away to get a recipe which sounded like it would work. Now at last, I can claim that the sucess is mine (oh that sweet lady) and I (being the generous person I am) have decided to share this recipe (which you can find online) and increase the followers of the "Hibiscus tea fan Club"... try it, see if you like it ...may be (just may be) you would.........

Ingredients

· 1 cup (1 1/2 oz.) dried hibiscus blossoms

· 1 cinnamon stick (about 1 in.)

· Ice cubes

· About 1/3 cup sugar

Preparation

1. In a 4- to 5-quart pan on high heat, bring 3 quarts water to boiling. Add hibiscus blossoms and cinnamon stick. Cover and simmer over low heat for 15 minutes. Let cool about 1 hour.

2. Pour tea through a strainer, lined with a double thickness of cheesecloth, into a pitcher. Discard residue in strainer. Pour tea, hot or cold, into ice-filled glasses. Add sugar to taste.

I need to know more about Fractal theory...

2009-08-22T20:03:00.000-07:00

There are times like this, when I feel good about working where I do...

Today while we were seeing a TV series about "Fractal theory" (fascinating stuff) I realized that the theory in its current state was first coined by Benoît Mandelbrot – an Ex-IBM T J Watson researcher. May be working there, someday some of the genius which surrounds me will rub off ??

Anyway, the fractal theory by itself amazing in its simplicity. The fact that it can give a mathematical structure to the randomness in nature, is rather spellbinding. Have to read more about this subject… better understand the explaination of the seemingly disordered world with such geometrical simplicity.

This is definately on my list of things to read about .................................

hmmm...

2009-08-16T19:01:00.001-07:00

Ever wondered why endings are as important as the beginnings…..

The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society : A Review

2009-08-14T19:48:00.001-07:00

What a delight !!!!! I just got up after reading this book and I have to say that it was a one of those which leaves a smile lingering on your face long afterward.

Placed around World War II this book brings to life the horrors of the war time and the bravery of the people who lived through it. Set as a series of letter, between the narrator and the other characters, this book manages to be funny while tantalizing those "tear glands"

At the end of the book, I swear I feel like I personally know all the characters and the place "Guernsey Island". And the best part - I have that "rare" feeling of satisfaction at the "end", which is so rare with a book.

Often great books fall short of being really "great" due to the ending, but this one ... Nay! not this one.

On a day of leisure, where you want to curl up and pick a "feel good" book, choose this one... with a mug of coffee next to you, sipping away, drown yourself into these pages......... you will find yourself sighing, sniffling and smiling....

Geico woes- The GECKO experience

2008-10-01T17:15:00.000-07:00

We are sorry to announce that our “first” Honda car will no longer be driven on the roads again! The scrap yard has claimed its last remains and we mourn our loss, while counting our blessings. No humans were injured but we lose money. This rather tragic accident happened courtesy some “youngster” who turned left when she was not supposed to and banged right into the car.

Shaken, but in working condition the human called his insurance company – Geico, in hopes that this “mess” would be sorted out soon. However, little did he know that the “youngster” having a Geico as well would delay the process by atleast two weeks. With a car sitting in tow yard and making calls everyday, filing claims and sending papers, frustration grew. GEICO – the friendly Gecko? BLAH!

After a dozen calls, the judgment was passed, “5%” fault on your end. Hmmm… how did Geico come with a “95%” “youngster’s fault” and “5%” ours, does it even make sense? A conflict of interest in a big suspect! Wonder if the analysis would have been the same had the “youngster” had a different insurance company. Now we pay to get the car towed back to our house, get the car scrapped and pay the person who hit into a car “5%” of her damages. And the car is valued at whole “3.5K” less than auto-trader value, which means we lose atleast “4.5K” in this accident, which was only “5 %” our fault.

Yeah! Indeed Geico knows how to deal fairly and indeed I shall recommend it to everyone (whom we don’t care too much about)!! YAY…

Yours truly (still getting over Geico blues)

Laptop - Busy look

2007-11-15T06:40:00.001-08:00

Have you ever been in meetings where everyone is trying to do a couple of things the same time, balancing one delicate topic with other, trying to figure out answers simultaneously?

I find myself constantly at these kind of meetings, sometimes I am truly handling a few things together and sometimes I am just trying to look “Busy”. Is this attitude good? I dunno, but I do know makes me feel a little better when I am hunched up in front of laptop (like the rest of the crowd) typing away to glory while listening to another person talk.

My laptop has almost become compulsive habit. I go to my office, shrug my jacket off and open my laptop before heading out to do any actual work. The first hour in the morning is totally devoted to checking emails, replying to them and just getting into groove.

The ironical thing about this obsession of mine is that my work is not actually computer related. Of course, I just started on mask design and vending, but that just forms 20 % of my workload, but mostly I do not need to be near my laptop to work.

However, without checking my email every hour I feel completely disconnected (inspite of having an IP phone in my office), isolated, torn away from the known world. May be it comes from the fact that as soon as my office door closes, I am alone in the room facing the walls and the books? Or maybe it is just something all the engineers feel? Or perhaps it is just me, I constantly need someone to be around me (not talking really, but just be there around) and in office, it is my laptop which fills this void of mine!

Well, for most it is simpler to hunch up in front of laptop and the world thinks work is in works :)

Wondering/Wandering conscious!

2007-11-03T16:30:00.000-07:00

As I sat watching “Blow” a movie about drugs and coke, I found myself wondering – “Does coke really have so much power? Wonder how it tastes” and then I was horrified by the way my thoughts went…. Is this how people are tempted, does wondering often lead to trails and then addiction?

I think not, it must definitely take more than just thought to just step forward and go ahead and do something which you have been told not to!!

How many times have we gone against our parents, done things forbidden and enjoyed every moment of it? I can count a few and to tell ya the truth I regret none. Well, perhaps the reason for such exists to the fact that my conscious talks to me all the time. It tells me “hey Aparna this is not right” and I try to listen to it (most of the times anyway), perhaps that’s what saved me from a thing like regret!

Well, conscious or not, the “forbidden” thoughts sometimes do sneak in .. and I find myself wondering……………. Yet again!

Snow Flower and Secret fan- thoughts

2007-11-02T11:04:00.000-07:00

As I turned each page of “Snow flower and secret fan” I felt emotions welling up inside me. It was difficult not to associate with some characters in 19th century china. The foot-binding was a saga new to me and I found myself fascinated by the things done in name of beauty. The book describes in detail the procedure of foot-binding and your heart goes out to “third sister” whose cries for “mercy” and “ I won’t do it” are left unheard resulting to her eventual death. .

It is amazing how a woman is always the worst adversary of another woman. I cannot understand how a woman who has personally known the pain and hurt of foot binding, put her own daughter through the very same trails. Isn’t a mother supposed to be your sieve for all things painful in your life? Isn’t a mother supposed to nurse and protect her young one?

Life for a woman must have been an entirely different thing, her very existence depending on them having “sons”. A child bearing vassal is what she was in true terms. A woman’s world not her own but spun intricately around men’s, made to accommodate the desires of “their men”. Yes, indeed life was different!

But inspite of such trails, the same 19th century women find their own way of rebellion –Nu Shu, the women’s secret language. I thought it was in it’s own an attempt at making their own independence self-felt. The fact that Nu-Shu had nothing to do with men’s existence but everything to do with women’s itself describes the radical nature of it. The fact that woman were not allowed to “literate” themselves, yet choose their own way to do so… choose their way to speak with the rest of their kind.. away from the prying eyes of the world in general.. makes you realize that the oppressed are not truly so.. the caged birds always find a way to flutter !!!!

Another attempt at penning the thoughts.. I still write .........

2007-08-27T06:16:00.000-07:00

I still write.. but mostly in my mind. There are times when I do open my laptop and decide to write those thoughts down, but before I can do that…….. I drift away to the yonder land of work or chat. Sometimes I almost wish I had that tape-recorder where I could record my thoughts to just pen them later on. I let my vanity at times dwell on those lines and imagine that “if only I had that” I would have made a great writer. Perhaps give a few authors run for the money ;).

Well, ambition is always been one of my greater vices.. I still haven’t done anything worthwhile, yet I would like to. I would like to someday be known well in the circles I work in, known as “ahh the smart gal”…. but mostly someone who is likable but yet successful. Can that every happen?? I dream a lot, and more often than not those dreams drive me and make me what I am perhaps.

This of course doesn’t mean that I don’t currently enjoy my life.. I do actually. I just switched jobs and at the moment I really like what I am doing….. I still am in love with the person I married, even though I burst into tears without reason and am the howler of the century ……….I think I am lucky to have him in my life. I do miss my home in India but hey looks like I have a home here as well now… yes life has been good to me (touchwood) and I am enjoying living it.

Perhaps in this contentment lies in my lethargy of writing on record.. perhaps I may get over it and finally start blogging regularly……………??

Thoughts..constant companion of mine!

2007-03-08T07:55:00.000-08:00

I have this weird connection with my brain cells-I think too much. I am constantly thinking about something, even when I am quietest or the loudest I am having this constant conversation with my mind.

For this reason alone I find it difficult to comprehend how some of my friends (especially guys) claim to have those moments of “blankness” when the mind is like a blank canvas. Often when asked the question “So, what are you thinking?” people tend to say “Nothing”. But I think that is gross understatement of facts.

To me my brain is the most unaccountable machinery. The data it processes can range from trivial, crude, stumbling meanderings to the computationally impressive to the occasional creative and inspirational insights. It is a scientifically proven fact that a person’s brain is active all the time, waking and sleeping, producing and shifting between what scientists call “distinct brain wave forms”.

So with such an active brain such as ours it just cannot be possible to have a moment of nothingness.

Thoughts come unbridled always buzzing, humming, soaring, roaring, diving, and then buried in mud. If nothing else I find myself wondering why?

Sometimes I wish I could stop that “lil’ voice” , sometimes I wish I could have those moments of blankness within myself...I want to experience it.! May be that is what people call having peace?? ……. Hmmmmm, That’s something new to think about now!

A tryst with sking

2007-03-05T06:37:00.000-08:00

Have you ever felt your bones aching and your muscles (if any) protesting? Today I feel every square inch of my body and oh boy it hurts.

My tryst with Skiing didn’t go down well either with my body or me. I have just one word to describe my skiing skill “Sucks”. For the life of me I could not Ski on my feet. The only skiing (you can also call it sliding) I did was on my poor lil’ butt. Considering the fact that God has not been very generous for this particular part, I was afraid I would wear it down further by sliding again and again on the ice.

Boy oh boy, I was a spectacle to see, the only one in the “beginners class” not to begin at all, Try as I may I could not Ski an inch. I felt like a bugs bunny (a rather unstable one) with my Skis, trying to wade my way through the white stuff called “snow”!

At the end of it all, I threw my beautiful “bright orange” color cap on ground, took the Ski off my iced boots and sat down at a corner gazing longing at those beginner's slope which I could not conquer.

Sigh! I saw a friend of mine (who was also doing this for the first time) Ski on the damned slope so smoothly. I could just sit and stare and think “ahh is there any ice sport which I can do well?” .

I may try this once more again though, I like to think that perhaps its not me- it was one of those unlucky days. But I sure hope second time around will be a charm (like it was with ice-skating for me). May be” try, try, try again” works, if it doesn’t…well I am switching over to snow tubing (hopefully that stops when it supposed to!) ……………..

friends...boon n' bane

2007-02-23T13:54:00.000-08:00

Friends… the word by itself means so much… they form over years, bonded to us by those tiny threads of incidents and time shared …. One never knows when those “strangers” become your friends. There are times when these friends and their friendships define life for you.

But today I find myself questioning the strength of them… over time we loose a few along the way.. some just ending coz of loosing in touch and some ending due to other reasons.

I still sometimes look back at one, with a huge regret…. The decision to let go was mine, the relationship hurt too much. So with as much as dignity I could gather I let go…slowly, smoothly. That relationship was lovely while it lasted, but perhaps some friends are better let go…..even if they do take a part of u with them

Today, I think I am about to loose another one who matters….my heart feels heavy, I tell myself “I don’t care” but I think I do. As I think about what we have shared and been through I find myself overwhelmed. I wonder what changed.. subtly something has. May be I have!

I think I no longer take as much effort as I used to ……. “keeping in touch” seems to have lost its meaning on me. I used to keep in touch while I was in school, and now while I am working itz me again. To be fair… this person (X) is not bad either ..when I happen to slag X makes sure we are still going on. I have always considered X to be a boon, but lately I think a feeling of “being taken for granted” is overcoming my senses.

I am not sure if I am being true here.. but I need to sort things out in my mind and for this reason alone, I turn to my “blog” again. Sometimes written words lay the truth out more distinctly ………………………….

Snippet from radio show....snake-dontusethemouth

2006-12-26T08:32:00.000-08:00

I decided to venture into the world of blogging once more after a long hiatus. The reasons are many but chief amongst them is my adjustments to working. Yeah! I am working now and it sure keeps me busy. Life has its way of making me dance to its tune and I think I enjoy it.

As days pass by I realize that I can easily become a workaholic. I like working and the fact that I am constantly learning something new keeps me happy. I think the day I stop learning, training … I would be terribly bored with my work. Right now life is at itz glorious best with a great hubby at my side.

Speaking of relationships….. I got this absolutely shocking snippet from a radio show in my email (Type in "snake-dontusethemouth" in google to listen to it). Here an indian wife finds out that her husband is cheating on her, and the conversation that follows afterwards will keep you swinging between shock, disgust and laughter. Mostly shock and disgust though!

Personally I was so disgusted after hearing it that I just felt like taking up arms against bastards like this……Some men can be so callous , itz amazing... makes me wonder how everything ends up to sex... what happens to love which most of the people proclaim aloud their undying love n' looks like as soon as u get bored of the bodily pleasures... ur love also flies out of the window...

Of course I am sure women also cheat …. But I am sure the numbers must be comparatively lesser. I am no feminist.. but may be I am biased to a certain degree… May be I am wrong in my assumption but I just can’t imagine a woman trampling over someone so thoughtlessly.

Woman or man…. No one has a right to break someone’s trust so ruthlessly and feel no remorse for it as well. Listen and see what you think of this whole snippet!!

A prayer

2006-09-26T15:38:00.000-07:00

just finished watching the passion of the christ. Never has any movie moved me so deeply as this did. I thought it wouldn't have much effect on me as I am not of the faith. But I found tears rolling down my eyes involuntarily. I think that no one should have faced anything like that. And after facing so much when a person has it in him to ask for forgiveness from his detractors that alone makes him a great soul in my book. It doesn't matter wether I accept his teachings or not, but I still feel that respect for him.

I have always looked at history with speculation as history is usually the victors story. I believe in god .. the power beyond comprehension which dictates us all. I believe all gods are one and that is what ma and pa have taught us to believe. The difference lies in the way we human perceive them. The crux of all the teachings is essentially the same.

After seeing this movie my heart still bleeds for the innocent who fall in the path of righteousness. Tears still flow down my eyes as I write this........

I found myself praying to god that when and if time comes, let god always let me take the right path. When I am dying I want to die knowing that I have lived the life without having shamed anyone else, I hope I always have sense to distinguish between the right and the wrong.

right now I feel ashamed when I think of my moments of greed, lies and jealousy. All that I thought of at those times when I felt those things seem insignificant. How easily we make things which are not actually important to be very important. When I think of it, I know that the part of life which we lead is an illusion.

I don't know if I will ever be a good human being... but I do hope I will be. I hope I never forget my parents who have done so much for me when they age, at the same time I pray to lord to give me strength and determination to do so for "his" as well. I hope I accept "his" as "mine" and treat them as I would mine.

I now I will make mistakes, I know I will be a fool. But I pray that I never knowingly hurt anyone. Please remind me of this prayer whenever I reach crossroads of life, or whenever I stumble on this long path of life. I pray with all my heart and I hope not to forget this prayer of mine.

Florida trip!

2006-09-08T17:20:00.000-07:00

Sunny days, parties, drinking, open sea and amazing time- for me all of them will forever remind me of Florida. Yeah, yeah I admit I did have a great time. All my fears, all my worries were rather unfounded and to my surprise I never did think even once about “I hope they think he is lucky”. I forgot everything and just basked in his company.

Oh yeah u betcha I had fun. A rental near the beach was helpful distraction. I am totally burnt, and the tan may take forever to go away (BTW I don’t like having a tan). But I had a great time and I also realized I am a very beach person!! Leave me in water and I could be there for ages. Of course having a hubby who piggy-backs me and tries to catch my legs in water is a great accessory to have in sea. Oh what I would not give to have a ocean view house!!

We went to Universal studios (The Disney world unfortunately was voted by all the guys to be too girlie). But I enjoyed that as well. My favorite was of course Shrek 4D show. I love the movie (both the parts) and have seen them innumerable times. So when I took snaps with the Donkey I was absolutely thrilled to bits. (Oh! I know itz kiddish but what the heck… I enjoy being kid sometimes)

This weekend has US opens on our schedule and we will be off seeing the semi-finals live with a couple of friends. And I just can’t wait for thrusday…my best friend in the whole world is coming for a visit and I am all set to act like a NYC guide (Groan once more.. but for her anything).

Looking forward to more fun …. But have to start looking for a job soon (A big thing on my “TO DO” list) …. More later…………………..

The precious need for approval

2006-08-30T21:31:00.000-07:00

I had always believed that opinion of only one person mattered to me – my hubby. But today I realized that it may not be true.

For the long weekend we are off to Florida, and I decided to go and shop for a dress or two (I have never had a sundress/ summer dress, so I thought let me finally have that piece in my wardrobe). So I went with my new found friend/neighbor to mall and ended up buying three things…. None of which won my hubby’s approval.

On one hand I want him to be frank with me, on the other I want him to like my choices! We obviously have very different tastes in clothing and there is no mid way for us. So when he said “No” thrice in a row…. I like a balloon which lost itz air midway through itz flight.

Then I realized that all I want is for him to feel proud of me when we meet his closest friends in Flordia. I know I am being unfair to him as I write this ‘coz he has always been the best and shows in more ways than one of how he cherishes me.

Ours was a love marriage and we had our difficulties in finally winning the precious nod of approval from the family members. In India, his relatives made it more than evident about how they thought “he could have done so much better for himself”, while mine kept telling me that “you are a lucky gal”. I just want someone to tell him that he is lucky too………….. I know it is silly, but I can’t help wishing that someone would come up and only once tell him verbally that he is lucky too.

I know this is sheer vanity on my part..... but am I so bad? In his eyes I can see the love he harbors for me and I know that we both are lucky to have found each other. This by itself should be enough for me but I find that somewhere in my heart I seek approval from someone else as well (someone close to him).

You may wonder what this has to do with my shopping trip or anything… well, I had thought that I had banished this need for “approval” down to the dungeons of my thoughts (where it truly belongs). But today out of blue it held me captive yet again and I found myself thinking “hmmm.. mabbe this time (hopefully) someone may think that he is lucky to have me”.

I am scared that this will someday in future lead to sheer complications in the relationship. But how do I stop myself from thinking all this crap. Trust me I have tried, I manage to shoo the thoughts away, but sometimes this wanting just grips me so hard that it leaves me breathless.

I know I am wrong, I know that I don’t need anyone to tell him anything. I am confident of his love for me, I bask in it….. but yet why do I put myself through this??? WHY?

Those school days!

2006-08-25T06:56:00.000-07:00

“Pinafore, double plaits, socks pulled up and red ribbons” are the first things which come to my mind when I think of my school. It evokes the memories of the best of times and the worst of times.

It was in school I was first made to realize I was a dark skinned Indian (and somehow that belittled me in eyes of some of those “fair skinned ones). It was there when I first realized that studies came easily to me. My love for reading went from strength to strength in those school years.

Being always a teacher’s pet made me an eyesore for many. I was considered what you may call nerd, I still made some great friends and still managed to turn out “OK” (atleast I hope so).

Having an Army background allowed me to have a variety in schools. I met different kinds of people from different walks of life, some of whom I cared for deeply, some whom I didn’t. I learn to be nonchalant about people saying crap about you and I learned to appreciate friends and friendship better.

I still don’t know if I was a very likable person in school… but I was in peace with myself and that I think could be counted as a good thing. Of course, I had my days of “Oh lord help me” but then they would sweep away equally fast!

I loved ribbons on my hair, I liked to dream about some day meeting someone who would actually see the “true me”, I had the most vivid imagination and thought the world was mine. I was fat then but it never bothered me, I was confident about myself. The worrying about gaining weight came in only later, but those years I was blissfully unaware that world liked thin, svelte females.

Unfortunately I wasn’t one of those “popular” kids, I secretly wished I was.. however, my pride held me back from changing myself to fit in the crowd. Today I am glad of it. There are many things in my past which I would like to go back and change but my school days are certainly not one of them. Popular or not I loved those days and would happily go back to them without a second thought!

So what attracts u?

2006-08-18T15:10:00.000-07:00

“Attraction” is such an abstract word. It has different meanings for different people.

To me the word “attraction” was a highly overrated one word till I found myself “oh-ahhing” in my 10^th grade over one singly handsome actor. From then on I found the word applied not only to cute guys but to many other aspects of the life. Today I explore the few attractions which make my life colorful!

Of course, “SALE” sign makes my heart rate increase and I always experience this irresistible urge to just “pop” into the stores “just for a second”. (It ends up reflecting on my credit card for sure)

Very recently I have found myself being attracted to bright colored books.book. I have always been a voracious reader and finding myself picking up books simply because they have “bright” covers is something I still haven’t been able to decipher. But this has certainly brought in a sense of adventure to my reading, I seem to be reading a whole new range of books, one day an autobiography followed by a chick flick the very next.

My 31” HDTV just mesmerizes me, I find myself staring into its screen for long hours (mabbe itz got something to me being currently a homemaker?)

Amongst various other things “Choclate ice-cream” makes me weak on my knees. I find myself grappling at it every week (damn! My promises to junk the junk always goes down the drain).

Oh! I also find the “back profile” of men very interesting (Jeez I sound so freaking sleazy) but well truth can’t be denied!

But the most attractive of them all for me is my hubby darl’ (predicable ain’t it?) I just can’t stop thinking how lucky I am!

And at this note I end this blog of mine with a rather simple question to anyone who is reading this - " So what does the word bring to you?"

World trade center - Movie

2006-08-11T05:48:00.000-07:00

Would I like to a movie about 9/11?

I can frankly say that I find the idea of a movie based on the event pretty disturbing. Every time I pass by WTC I have a sense of sadness engulf me. I am always overwhelmed and I stop for a minute or two to thank god for everything she has given me.

To imagine that the place would affect me so much is nothing short of amazing. I am not an American, I wasn’t even there when this happened and it really didn’t affect me any way. But some places have an aura which surrounds them and WTC is one place which is hard to ignore.

Scores of humanity rumbled into dust, a war resulted and a hollow right at the heart of city. Oh yeah! The place has a way of saying “look what has happened here, look how we far we humans have leaped ahead!” And when I see the trailers of the movie "world trade center, 9/11" on the TV, I feel something squeeze my heart. One part of me wants to see the movie, see if it really manages to move me as much as the ground zero does. However, another part, a much stronger one refuses to shies away from experiencing the images of “what may have happened”.

Am I wrong on my refusal to watch the movie? I don’t know the answer to that, but I do know I am not ready for it…… as yet!

New happenings and soccer!

2006-07-06T17:35:00.000-07:00

Life has been so hectic lately that I never really got time to blog (oh yeah itz true…. Things like this do happen!)

Amongst the various things which happened to me in that period of “No Blogging” the most important was the fact that I defended (finally) and moved to NJ/NYC.

As far as the thesis defense goes.. mine was a smooth sailing, I was able to answer all the questions and I think the time I took to defend was well worth it. Oh yeah! The joy in knowing that you have done a good job in unparalleled.

And with that student phase of life now behind me, I don on the new avatar of “A Housewife” (atleast till I get a job). I have to admit, I lack the qualities that make a good housewife, get rather restless at home. Hmmmm… I am working on making a resume and intend to join the “mega job search” marathon soon enough.

Lemme know for sure if you know any openings for a MEMS process engineer or an electro-mechanical engineer…. J I am good at what I do and hopefully the people who hire will agree with me ;)

Soccer right now dominates my home sweet home. With a hubby who keenly follows the game, I decided to throw my hat in and made an attempt at understanding the intricacies of the game. I can now declare myself to be keenly waiting for the finals on Sunday and my vote is for Italy. With France winning with a doubtful penalty goal, I have to say to my untrained eyes Italy’s play against Germany seemed much more skilled. Pardon me if I am wrong, but I am rather new to this arena of “Soccer world” and to me one of the main benefits of seeing the soccer is that I get to cuddle very cozily in front of the TV ……….

Signing off at this note… itz me again back to the world of blogs and bloggers!

Am I blessed?

2006-06-13T11:16:00.000-07:00

It has been a while since I visited anyone’s blog. Life has been keeping me busy. At work I wanted to finish something (I did not have to, but I wanted to) and I was working towards that. Today I am finally done with it…well, not quite but I just have one more step and I am sure that will work fine. So here I am finally feeling a sense of achievement seep into me. Yeah! It feels good to think I have done the work well. I have wanted to wail aloud when my masters took long, but now that I think of it, I never really had to pay a single penny for my education here. All through out I was funded and had a great professor.

Struggles were many, frustrations aplenty but somehow through all that I had hope. Hope has got me through, and now 29th looms ahead and before I know I will be done with my defense and masters.

Meanwhile, I have also started to feel sad about leaving some people behind. Sometimes in midst of talking, I find tears not far behind and it takes all my will power to control them from falling down my face. SIGH! How do people who were strangers not long ago come to mean so much?

Today I just feel I am very blessed in my friends, husband, family and work (oh yeah, that too).

Thesis done!!

2006-06-08T12:56:00.000-07:00

Yo yo .. I am swinging, I am dancing .. I am even going round and round my table.. yo yo………………

I can’t believe I finally finished writing my thesis. Phew! What a relief and when my prof. said “Good Job” I was in the seventh heaven. I finally really am at the end of this journey of my life. I am defending on 29th June (hopefully, until something else comes up) and I can’t wait for it.

Yeah! I am a lil’ worried about my job and everything which will come after I graduate, but who gives a heck… I am happy that I am finally there.

I know this is stupid but I have this incredible urge to put up the “acknowledgement” part of my thesis in this blog. Since the time I have started writing this blog, it has always been a place where I write whatever is in my heart and right now I feel like shouting aloud “Thank you” to all those people who helped me come this way… so instead of having my acknowledgement in a thesis which may be no one would read I would rather acknowledge those people in this blog of mine!

however, on second thoughts I should possibly spare the few readers of this blog the headache of going through all my ramblings. I just know I am right now ready to hug all those who helped me on my way. I hope this lucky streak continues and i defend without any hitch, and do a good work of it too.

Oh yeah! I am happy today!

Dollops of emotions and a dash of sentiment!

2006-05-31T12:20:00.000-07:00

Well… here I am writing again about feelings and thoughts. My blog has often been called by a few friends of mine as the “relationship/sentimental” crap. Each time I hear that I can’t help but smile. I write as I think and being a cancerian, I think a lot deeply and more sentimentally than many people I know. Sometimes it bogs me down and sometimes it boosts me up. Oh yeah! I am yet to learn how to think with my mind. For me feelings, relationships and sentiments will always be at helm (I can literally hear my hubby groaning right now). Life has mostly been kind to me, I of course find ways to ponder over it, but yeah it has been kind (touchwood) and sentiments are rather free flowing. May be now that I am 24 on verge on becoming 25, I should rethink the way I think and put my rusty brain to work for once. Marriage hasn’t changed me, if anything I have become more emotionally charged.

I am defending at the end of June (Yes! Finally will be done with masters) and will be leaving behind the school I have come to have a love-hate relationship forever. However, as I think of leaving.. a kinda sadness engulfs me and I can’t help but feel sad about leaving behind people whom I have come to care for immensely. I will be moving in with my new hubby (high time, distance isn’t doing much good to us) but at the same time I will be in NYC looking for a job. I hope I can get one…logic tells me that everything will be fine, but my heart still beats hard thinking of all the unknown things I may have to face. I am not a very brave person (I like to show on contrary but deep within I battle my fears constantly). I hope I can be good at what I do, and I hope I can be satisfied with what I have. Hmmmmmmm………………..a pretty daunting list by itself, tells me how many miles I have to go before becoming mature enough to handle my life my way!

ever thought of dying?

2006-05-30T22:27:00.000-07:00

Killing oneself is often said to be a coward’s way out to the problems facing him/her. But personally I think it requires a lot of courage. There have been times in my life when I would pray to lord to take me with her, when I just wanted to die and let others be happy. I am sure all of us must have gone through such phases while growing up. Each time I would imagine myself dying and leaving the lives of one I love in peace. May be a new beginning for them and an end for me.

However, never once have I actually tired killing my self. Even when my heart felt like it was being torn apart, even when I knew I had caused someone I loved to hurt….. I just couldn’t bring myself to do so. My heart would ache and I would pray hard to god with all my heart, but I never had courage to bring the knife near my wrists.

Perhaps it was due to the tiny spark of hope which never left my side. I always wanted to see if things would get better. I wanted to always make my loved one happy. I don’t know if I can ever be a success in truly doing so…..but I do know I will try till I die ...............naturally.

Anti-reservation agitation in India

2006-05-28T15:19:00.000-07:00

My sister is on a hunger strike, my hubby’s favorite topic of discussion is “Quota system in India n’ dirty politics”…. And as the anti reservation agitation continues, we Indians seem to have reached a deadlock. Today, I do my part by writing what I think of the whole thing.

Well, having quotas has always been a part of Indian constitution. When India got itz independence in 1947 perhaps it was something which was needed. So we had separate reservations for SC/ST, OBC, minorities etc etc. We grew as a country and so did the quotas!! The question is not whether quota should be increased or not… the question is whether the quota system should be there at all? I have a lot of SC/ST and OBC friends and their financial status is better than mine ever has been. I see so many poor in India who never get a chance to progress ‘coz they do not fall in one of those reservations.

Today we stand on the threshold of being called a country to reckon with… yet we refuse to let go of age old agendas. Time has come for us to have an income based reservation rather than caste based reservations. By making more of the caste-based reservations, we are not only creating inequality but also re-dividing our already divided society! What happened to “united we stand, divided we fall?” Huh! Seems like it was one of those class room lessons which never made it to real life.

Every single day I get a mail informing me about some poor medico dying of hunger.. each time I open a news website I see pictures of the agitators, I see my sister and her friends (all medicos) passionate about the whole issue,… why is the government turning blind eye to the people? When is our politics and politicians gonna finally be “for the people”, when will they stop looking at doing things just to gain some political mileage? Do we the people of India have any say at all in our country………democracy…Blah! To me it sounds nothing of that sort!! I am sure government will not retrace itz steps and never listen to people…….. letz see if my prediction comes true…………meanwhile all we can do is protest , so go on….do that!

couples, culebra island and more !

2006-05-23T15:38:00.000-07:00

Now a days I find this incredible urge to see snaps of couples… as a result I seem to be seeing snaps of people I don’t even know. Hmmm…..wonder if itz gotto do with the fact that I myself am hitched ? Somehow seeing a happy couple snap makes me feel better!!! Perhaps getting married is equivalent to getting a lil’ weird………..

Anywaz seeing these snaps keeps reminding me of my honeymoon in Culebra island (Puerto Rico). It was definitely one of the best times I have ever had in my life so far. This 7 mile long island captured my heart with it amazing beaches. 20 miles east of Puerto Rico, it lies in middle of nowhere and has the most amazing snorkeling reefs.

Thankfully, the place which we choose to say gave us best possible privacy. It was like all your fantasies coming true… a glass cottage on top of a hill, a private swimming pool…. Oh yeah! It was loads of fun. The white beaches with itz transparent blue water and amazing fauna swimming alongside you just made the place all the more enchanted.

We did crazy things… went snorkeling, kayaking, sang aloud on the beaches, made sand structures (we choose to make Indian God- Ganesh)….simply chilled out. I even drove a jeep….fulfilling one of my closely held dreams.

I got to wear a real cool swimwear, a sarong and an incredibly huge hat. When I saw the hat lying on one of the racks in the island shop, I knew I had to have it. It seemed so “beachy” and so “out-there” like the island itself. Buying and wearing something so impractical seemed just one of those “impossible” things possible in the island. The islanders were friendly lot and food is supposed to be real great as well (Veggie’s like me have choices rather limited, but my hubby enjoyed his food).

Even while we were out in Culebra town, somehow it seemed to us like we were alone. We walked alongside in harmony, arms twined, enjoying nature and the fact that finally we were “officially” together. Each time I looked at my hubby my heart literally sang. Just realizing how much joy you can gather staying with this one person makes possibilities seem infinite. Any doubts I am in love and reveling in it??? SIGH………

Next post will be up when I am done mooning over my darl’ and stop smiling like a fool by myself!!

GROAN

2006-05-22T11:43:00.000-07:00

Married and separated so soon makes your heart ache constantly.

I am back at my school…..trying to finish what I started. I feel a sense of loss… loss at having left behind whom I cherish most. Things wouldn’t have been so bad if things were smooth in school. The machine which I work on again has “non-operational” tag. Already my defense has been postponed…initially ‘coz I wanted to get married, then ‘coz of machine and now again I feel my heart sinking. I am wondering why I am being punished for the inefficiencies of my school facilities?? I have worked, and worked hard….. I feel so bad and so broken when things go so badly wrong. I am so petrified of looking out for a job.

I have always been very confident of being able to make it. I was conceited enough to think that I was smart. But now with all this my ego, confidence is all down in dumps. I thought god helps those who try…..so where is the GOD now ????????????????????I am looking for a miracle to happen, I believe in them…………………I have to!

Labyrinth.... by Kate Moss..............

2006-05-18T16:00:00.000-07:00

When I first saw this book in London airport, the summary in the book jacket caught my eye and I knew I had to read this book. I was fascinated by the fact that it binds the lives of two women born centuries apart. So when I came back to US I made it a point to read few reviews on the book. Well, since Labyrinth is essentially a religious thriller with focus on Holy Grail comparison to the Da Vinci code is inventible. As a result most of the reviews weren’t really promising.

But for me, I was interested to actually see how the story shuttles back and forth between eras. I wanted to see if the author could do it successfully and stand on its own merit as a religious thriller. Well, as usual my curiosity got better for me and I spend my dollars on buying a hardcover version of the book (read $$$$$).

Armed with a desire to read, I turned one page after another and before I knew I was turning the last few pages of the book. While Labyrinth doesn't move with quite the frenetic pace of Dan Brown's thriller it still manages to keep you hooked. Many reviews complained of it being long slow read, but I think of it as being more involved. I love the way it has been written, seamlessly segueing the movement between time….almost effortlessly tailoring two lives in different centuries. Of course, the end wasn’t as spectacular as I expected……….. however, for me it was a complex, intricately plotted, century spanning tale (words borrowed from one of the reviews, it was so apt that I couldn’t resist using it!)

Beware: This is not a book for historical buffs and for those seeking more information on Holy Grail. It is an interesting read only if you take it for what it is – Fiction…..

I am back....................married now

2006-05-15T05:55:00.000-07:00

I am back to the world of blogging, this time around a married woman. Hmmm… I hardly knew when I made this transition of being a girl to being a woman. Well, to tell you the truth I am enjoying being married so far. I had always thought that being with one person 24x7 would be a highly boring proposition. But being with him just makes my appetite for him grow more.

When I look into the mirror, I can see that I look my worst. The marriage completely exhausted me. Post-marriage week was the most hectic one I have ever had in my life. I even pulled down a lotta weight (which is surprising considering the rich food which we were being fed). So the new me presently sports hallow, underfed look and inspite of this when I see a spark flare up in my “Hubby’s” eyes- it just make me wanna croon and hug him tight. Yeah my feelings for him seemed to have reached a whole new level.

May be it’s just the first flush of being a newly wed which is making me so groovy, but I feel like mine is one of those “happily ever after stories” (touchwood). He is a sweetheart and he is mine (and I am his) and some how having this someone in your life to share the things with you just makes you so glad. Simple things - His smile, the way he sneaks in and hugs me, our comfort with our silences, leaning back on him, sitting together and eating………….all make my heart fill.

Truly speaking being married doesn’t actually make much of a difference… we had a strong relationship earlier too and for us getting married was just to tell the whole world that we are committed to each other. But I have to admit that some how tying a knot seems to have increased our comfort levels with each other. Hmmm.. on the other hand both of us just don’t feel married….for us being married meant being old.. and if anything marriage seems to have made us feel a whole lot younger. Yeah yeah! I like being married to this person, I like my heart being full all the time…….

Homeward bound

2006-04-10T01:02:00.000-07:00

So whats special about the London airport? The answer is "nothing other than the fact that I have to spend over 4 hrs in transit before I can catch my flight to India."So here I am blogging, and surfing after paying some pounds (and man things are expensive here)!

Am I excited about going to India after 1.5 yrs, getting married? Well, I am a lil' of that and lil' petrified. I shall be seeing my in-laws for the first time after our marriage was fixed. Though they are excellent people, love marriages in India is still something of a taboo and I am hoping that they come to like me as a person as well (after all they are also gonna be my family)!!

I am flying home single and will be returning as a much married gal.... sounds BIG, while one part of me is excited about the whole idea of sharing my life with someone I love so much, the other part of me is filled with "what ifs?". Hmmm... prone as I am to the constant ponderings this is nothing new.. I just know that at this point in my life I am so much in love with the guy I am about to marry in 20 days, that it sometimes feels like I am flying..................

Ahh... the ecstacy of being in love (SIGH)

Anywaz... I am not expecting to blog for atleast a month from now (initally due the wedding and later of due to the Honeymoon (yeah yeah I am blushing as I write this.....)...

As I am about to enter this phase of life, I feel everything a gal can possibly feel ............and I am happy to report of an instant feeling of euphoria as I think of being Mrs. from Ms......

More updates later............as life progresses !!!

Hate..........alien to me, yet there in me

2006-04-06T12:28:00.000-07:00

So far my hate list consists of only one person –“R”. And whenever I think of R, I feel a blinding rage fill in me. As this alien emotion clouds me and my thoughts, I seem to be unable to remember anything good about this person.

I am not proud of this emotion, not at all indeed. For me it is very difficult to not like anyone. I am a kind of person who usually never has problems in letting go of ol’ smelly things and when I don’t like someone I find myself either not bothered, or eventually finding something I like in him/her.

It has been a long time since this “R” left my life (more than a year), I have taken no efforts to keep in touch with her (nor has she). However, today when all of sudden I saw her snap somewhere online, I found all the rage, pain and hatred resurfacing. May be HATE is a strong word for the feeling I harbor for her, but in my 24 years of life, never have I disliked anyone so much.

She said so many things which not only broke my heart, but I also hold her responsible for breaking a friendship which meant a lot to me. In my mind I like to call her “poison ivy” and for me she will always remain that!

I wish I had in me to forgive and forget, but somehow I find my self incapable of doing so……………Am I wrong to dislike someone so? Am I wrong to still hold on to my rage ? I dunno the answers to these questions of mine, but I do know for the first time in my life I find myself incapable of finding any good in a person and I am really ashamed of it!!

Sonia Gandhi.....hmmmm... I have a lot to say about her!

2006-03-28T13:11:00.000-08:00

I personally have never been a big fan of Sonia Gandhi and I truly believe that a country like ours should be ruled by a person born and brought up in India. However, I have to admit that the current “office of profit” controversy dodging the Indian politics makes me wanna reevaluate my opinion about Ms. Gandhi. I thought of her to be a political green horn, who had come to helm just because she married into the Gandhi family. But by resigning from the Lok Shaba, as well as from National Advisory Council she has just managed to mum her detractors. I have to admire the way she has handled the whole issue. By giving up two major positions of power in last two years (first not becoming the PM and now this) she has certainly bought back congress into limelight. I think of this decision as rather strategic one aimed with bringing a wave in favor of congress.

Of course it is now a well known fact that power actually resides with Sonia Gandhi. Initially, by giving up the Prime ministership, she made headlines and gained sympathy of a large chunk of Indian population. However, even though we have Dr. Manmohan Singh at helm, the Indian cabinet is expected to read the signals from 10 Janpath (where Sonia resides) and act accordingly. Hence in making that very sacrifice which enhanced her status, she became a political big-wig.

Now with her resignation, she has again shown that she does know how to handle the political pawn very ably. With the chaos in Indian parliament regarding the proposed ordinance, her decision to resign not only saves her embarrassment but also allows her to gain political mileage again. Again, the whole country is hailing her resignation as “Yet another sacrifice”. However, I am surprised that very few actually think of this decision as one aimed to have an impact.

The bottom line is that Sonia Gandhi is adept at the political arena, and her strategic planning certainly deserves kudos. Whether or not it will help our country is a completely different issue….letz wait and watch!

In my own words...my story

2006-03-16T07:29:00.000-08:00

I was thinking if I ever write a autobiography it may look very similar to this (have to say found it rather unlike my usual style of writing and amazingly boring when I read through it once):

A lil' bit of History

Here’s my imagined scenario of what might have happened on the fateful day of 16th July 1981 when I came to this earth wailing and screaming: “It’s a girl”, the nurse at Martha’s hospital, Bangalore, told my dad. My mom, held me tight, afraid of dropping me. Dad comes in, peers into my face and beams at mom. Both of them are ecstatic at becoming parents and fall in love with me as soon as they see me.

A few years down the lane, I become a pain in the ass demanding to have a sibling as everyone I knew, even those stupid girls “Sheena and meena” down the lane had one. And each day I cried, refused to come home, made a huge ruckus till Archana, my Sis, my joy came into this world.

Naughty like hell, crazier than anyone I knew, Archana became the one to complete our small family. We fought like dogs, pulled each other’s hair…..tried to show off who was better, but thankfully much to the relief of our parents grew up into “Nice” loving girls (or so I like to think).

I choose to pursue engineering, ECE . Stayed in hostel, made life long friends, freaked out, had fun….

Then came into USA to do MS in mechanical engineering, met some more people… made some more great friends. Somewhere in between all this met Shiva, fell in love and am all set to make our own “happily ever after” story.

Current Affairs

I seem to be having a torrid affair with both my masters and Shiva together. Masters seems to never end and right now am adding finishing touches to my work, and doing a lot of technical writing (GROAN, I hate it). Will finally (hopefully) defend my thesis and finish my masters in June. Right now looking forward to marrying "THE MAN OF MY DREAMS" and getting a job which satisfies and challenges me.

Futuristic Mode
The future looks bright and rosy with Shiva by my side. Am looking forward to setting up our house, learning to drive his “geared” Honda accord, cooking some terrible meals, fighting and making up, in general living life to itz fullest. Have ambitious plans of finally making some serious money, getting a job and shopping till I drop dead . With specialization in MEMS, getting a job in the same may prove to be a lil’ tricky. But hope prevails and who knows what lies in the future. Will be joining Shiva in NYC in June and start living the life of “Married but HOT couple”. We (rather I) do have plans of adopting a cute dumb looking BIG dog in 2-3 yrs. Hmm… the rest is undecided and we will take it one at a time…after all isn’t life about being “spontaneous” ?

The curse of chubbiness

2006-03-14T08:11:00.000-08:00

I have never been thin.... from the time my gynecologist helped my mom to bring me to this earth I have been struggling with a constant dose of chubbiness. Thankfully with time not only did I grow older, but also grew in height. Today at 5 feet 8 inches I like to think that I can comfortably carry off some extra weight. Ever since I remember I have always been meaning to but never really grown that “model thin”. I would love to have a 36-28-36 figure. Alas! That seems to be beyond my reach. Every morning, as I get into my jeans, I swear to myself –“no cheese, no fat, and a lot of exercise. However, long before the day is over I find myself easily breaking each of these promises. I can’t help being engulfed in that cozy warmth of laziness… hmmm… heavenly abode! I think I have the curse of “Chubbiness”, but sometimes once in a while I manage to hoodwink myself into thinking I am “Sexy, Voluptuous female” (Olalla). Those are the days when for a change I wear my heels, lipstick and eyeliner and feel really hot, sexy and good looking. Of course, these rare days usually occur when I am with “HIM” and that’s good ain’t it? I have colossal plans of joining aerobics and gym after marriage (whilst I am looking for a job) and turning into this female having a great figure!! Well, a lotta of my friends advice me to pre-pone plans and become so before the actual marriage ceremony (The idea is to have the guy salivating, or so I have been told) But, well I want to reduce for myself, and not for someone else. So I refuse to combat with my Chubbiness as of now and as far as tempting the guy is concerned… I am already secure in the fact that I am wanted and I am sexy in the eyes of the one who matters!
So today, at this point in my life, I proclaim my honest and sincere intention to fight and win against my cursed chubbiness ………………..eventually :)

Suggestions needed for wedding invitations

2006-03-11T14:39:00.000-08:00

So here I am sitting and looking through the wedding cards. Hmmm…..idea is to design an e-wedding card. But well, my brilliance n' creativity seem to have deserted me and frankly nothing on the net really catches my fancy. You may wonder why an e-wedding invitation when a nice paper wedding card looks so much more elegant. The reason for it is simple, this way I am sure not to forget inviting people I know (they would just be a click away). But it turns out to be a lot tougher than I imagined it to be. I just don’t like anything and being an illiterate in graphic designing doesn’t help much either. I like a few wordings, but nothing I am really crazy about! Some wordings that I read are so downright boring that it just amazes me.

At this point, I am open to any suggestions on wedding invitations ……so if u happen to read this… gimme ideas about wording and designing card…. I need them!

A bend around the corner ......

2006-03-08T07:42:00.000-08:00

Life takes a strange turn at times and sometimes when it does you wonder to your self “Why me?”. But with time you realize that that turn, that bend around the corner actually did good things for you.

Long time ago, when my mom (being a typical Indian mom) started harping me about getting married I had to give in and tell her “Ok do whatever you want”. And with that one sentence began the search for the eligible bachelor. With arranged marriages prevalent in India this was not something out of ordinary, and I was resigned to being with someone who was my parent’s choice. I was requested (rather asked) to speak to one guy whose family my parents liked a lot. Well, he turned out to be such a major jerk that I was left wondering about the Indian guys in general. I just spoke to him once, but that once was enough to shatter my illusions about “Nice, good-family Boys” Every minute I had spend talking to him felt like I was attending some interview. Blah! With each growing minute I wanted to strangle that neck of his!

At that point in my life, I was sure I would end up with some jerk or with someone who would not share my ideologies. I am ashamed to admit it, but I was prepared to face disappointment and make the best of what I had.

But after this episode ……when one of my very good friends admitted to having affections for me, I decided (unlike the other times) to explore this further. I thought to myself “Here is someone I genuinely like, admire and already care for, why not see if he makes things roll for me?” and now I am going to get married to this person in a months time. I am the happiest I have ever been. He has turned out to be everything I could ever ask for in a guy. And he does make my world brighter, more colorful. I admit initially when we started dating, I wasn’t sure and was certainly not in love with him. I had previously never believed in mixing friendship with dating. For me it started out rather casually, I didn’t want to get married so soon, I wanted to just date and see how things went. However fate had something planned for me already….. The more I got to know him, the more I like him and before I knew it I was deeply involved. April 30th is when I am getting married and believe me when I say “I can’t wait to be with him”.

Today, I face the possibility of my defense and hence my graduation being postponed by another month. And somewhere deep down in my heart I believe (have to believe) that this may be just another bend around the corner ………………………………

Friend and emotions!

2006-03-02T15:20:00.000-08:00

Today after a long time, I chatted with a friend who was once closest to me. There was a time not long ago when he was the one I turned to when I was low or when I needed a friend. But somewhere down the lane I seem to have moved on. Having one serious relationship seems to leave me with no energy to maintain another intense friendship. I sometimes feel ashamed of myself at having let go of something which I had valued so much. I am amazed at my capacity to get over a person so easily. This trait of mine scares me a little. But if I think of it, I think the reason why I take no effort to keep the closeness of this friendship lies in the fact that I had been hurt a lot once or twice. And that just perhaps broke my heart then a little and now I am scared of getting hurt. I still care a lot for this person (care doesn’t go away …it lingers on) but I just can’t take it to being hurt.

My dad has always called me “a sensitive, emotional girl” and I have to confess I am that and more. I cannot go half hearted into any relationship, be it friendship or love. For me when I care... I care deeply. I had been accused once of being “aloof” by an acquaintance, but I call it “self-preservation”. I have some wonderful friends and each one of them is almost like a family to me. When someone getz a job, to me it feels like I have one…when someone graduates I am delighted (a lil’ wistful abt my graduation I admit, but truly delighted for my friend)….for me each of my close friend is a extension of myself. And when a friend like that hurts me a lot I just have to break the thread for my self-preservation.

I know I am going to get back to being friends with this person I chatted today ‘coz I have been healed. He no longer has the power to hurt me and having my love (rather dramatic) by my side has made me grown as well. But as I write this I think to myself “I take my time to make truly close friends, I am a pain in the ass sometimes myself, I throw tantrums but I really hope I never hurt anyone I love so deeply that they feel the need to stay away from me!!” I pray for this and prayers said from within the heart have a way of being heard (at least that’s what has been told to me).

Man, Woman....and Mardi Gras

2006-03-01T09:03:00.000-08:00

Whats with men and boobs? I have always known that men have a major fascination for boobs and the extent of it just became rather evident to me when I went for Mardi Gras in New Orleans. There were men drooling over some rather sagging breasts and woman flashing for beads.Of course, I won’t deny it… it was fun to begin with, but I just got bored after a while. I had heard so much about the (in)famous Bourbon street and had been determined to visit it in itz full glory before I left Louisiana. But I have to say it fell rather short of my expectations. Being an Indian gal, I expected it to shock me, embarrass me. However, to my surprise I was neither, rather I found myself amused at the bumbling efforts of men in general to get a look at “those mounts” which they don’t have. I thought to myself “hmmm… Men get high pretty fast” and also wondered about the equation of men being so enthralled by breasts and woman no so much with the dicks. May be there is something wrong with me, but I personally never had an utmost desire to see strange men’s member. I admit seeing that would have probably offended my senses. And thankfully I got to see none of that in Mardi Gras.

All said and done, after a series of collecting beads (possible even without flashing), exhausted, bored and tired of the rather mundane scenes surrounding me, I finally ventured into a club. The music was good, some GNR, some BA, some Aerosmith….shook a leg and then “BOOM” one of the ladies (close to 40) decided to undress. And man she had some for her age, even I had my eyes popped out and was rather fascinated by the fact. I was like “WOW” check them out and thought to myself “Gosh! Hope I look like that when I am that old!!”.

It was then that the realization dawned onto me. Mardi Gras is not only for men who want to see boobs, it is more for women who take pride in themselves. Woman, who make things happen, woman who have the right to show whatever they want to. It is one fest where woman gets to shed her inhibitions and say to whole world “look at how gorgeous I am”. Yeah! Definitely it is more that just showing ur assets, more than just collecting beads and getting drunk. For a woman it is/could be a place to build and boost the confidence in having the capacity to bring the world and men (literally) at her feet!!!!

An article which struck a chord within me!

2006-02-24T07:49:00.000-08:00

I usually don't cut and paste any article... I have always believed that anything in blog should be just original penning down of thoughts and muses. But today I choose to make an exception. I read this article and it struck a chord so deep that it would be just fair to put it in my personal place. It is something which is so true that as I read it I feel a sense of Deja Vu.

Read it n' c if does the same for u as well.

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Have you ever experienced a moment in your life when you just ran out of words and you go...s i l e n t ???

Let me assist you in recalling.....

the moment when you left your home for the first time and you look
back at your parents who are worried that their son/daughter are
leaving them yet happy that their child took the first step towards
independence.

the moment when the girl/boy you like most.. smiled back at you!
You don't say anything.. you just smile back..

the moment when you get better marks than you expected... those
"numb" moments of ecstasy n surprise "is that true?"...

the moment when you are parting with your old friend(s) and the
train has just started... and you are standing on the door of the
wagon.. waving "bye-bye" with your heart beating fast...

the moment after the HR manager has just called you and told
you,"You are through! Congrats!"

the moment when you sit alone in your room after having told
everyone that you cleared that exam you prepared for 6 months!!

You can go on remembering your "special" moments!

I had always wondered why I never said anything to myself at those
moments.. as if it was "understood"... happiness, joy, pain.. all
feelings just flowed ceaselessly in the 'years' that passed in those
flash moments!

They say.. the best way to communicate is through "silence".
Love. Joy. Grief. Surprise. Anger. Hope. Expectations. Support.
Non-cooperation...

Can you imagine the importance of a silent moment in a song??
When Bryan Adams stops for a while along with music, before he goes
on in his husky voice... Please forgive me. I can't stop loving you!

Ever had those moments when you thought you were tired enough that
you reach for your bed after dinner.. but find yourself wide awake
looking at the roof of your room silently...

But you sure are 'thinking'... those moments of self-talk are the
most important in our lives. Those moments when we listen to our own
hearts! Those promises... those decisions... those are the moments
when we make our destinies!

Next time you go silent... listen carefully to what your heart is
saying.. listen to its joy...listen to its pain.. listen to its
fears.. listen to its desires..

Don't make it shut up and go off to sleep...

LISTEN TO THAT VOICE and ACCEPT EVERYTHING IT SAYS!
That voice alone can lead you to the abode of peace that your sleep
lacks... peace that awaits you!
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Yet another bout of pampering myself

2006-02-20T10:44:00.000-08:00

I finally got it… yeah after so many months of contemplation and thinking about it, I finally decided to leave caution to winds and go ahead pamper myself royally. I got myself a whole new make-up kit, went to Dillards with my roomie to shop for her birthday and ended up having a make-over. Considering the fact that I am 24 and have never ever used make-up, it was kind of defining moment for me. So I went with a full-splash, to lancome counter (ahh! The cheaper ones are not for her majestsy) and decided to finally take the plunge into the much womanly arena of beauty.

My fingers were folded to form a fist, to hide my nervousness I had my hands hidden in my lap. I was scared that the lady at the counter, giving me a “make-over”, would end up making me look like a “OOOOOOOoooooo EEEEEEEKKkkkksss”. I was scared that the make-up may not actually look good and I may end up looking worst than before. I really wanted to look gorgeous after make-up was applied (which girl doesn’t??) but I wasn’t sure if I would even look passable.

All said and done, I went ahead, a brave warrior facing the mirror… and woah! To my surprise the bright pink blush actually made me look good and the foundation actually made my skin look translucent and the eye make-up gave me a exotic look. Well, my self-esteem (which always suffers) had a huge boost when I had the whole Dillards’s make-up section “ohhh ahhing” over my long eyelashes (my grand mom’s gift to me). I admit I was embarrassed, but at the same time it was like a balm to my idea of “I don’t really look good at all” thoughts. Well, after spending whole lotta money, I had a lady walking by tell me-“Wow! U look good gal!!” and trust me for once I am not feeling bad at spending my money. Yipee…. I finally have a make-up set… and I feel all womanly now ;).

Ponderables

2006-02-09T16:21:00.000-08:00

I saw this rather fascinating question in my friend Gaurav's blog

"If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?"

This made me sit up and wonder about the more mundane and rather illogical things in life. Here are few other "ponderables" which really make u hmmmm… haaa… rather deeply into the intricacies surrounding us and which when thought over definitely bring up a smile …… so read on and see if they make u ponder as well

• If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
• Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
• Why, if blind people wear dark glasses, don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
• Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
• Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
• Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?

And my personal favorite one

“If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?”

The issue of "Privatization"

2006-02-05T17:18:00.000-08:00

I just fail to understand the current opposition the Indian government is facing on the issue of ‘privatization’ of the public sectors. The strike by the airport workers regarding this just indicates the Indian government's faltering efforts to open economy. It is the time that the Indian government stuck on to its initial disinvestment policies and allowed an environment of freely competitive markets. Only competition begets excellence and such excellence is an essential ingredient to improve the infrastructure of our country. With world’s second largest population and highly corrupt politics, time has come for India to move forward, leave behind some ancient policies our founding fathers adopted and go ahead with privatization scheme. For those who fear loosing jobs, well….. Tough luck…. A good employee is almost always retained and a skilled person will always find work aplenty. I may sound tough but well world no longer is a place for inept. Privatization brings with it a policy of “be good or be gone” and I think that is something which will make the present public sector employees (those with a “who cares” attitude) sit up and tighten their belts. I foresee goals being met on time, work being done with diligence and our country making progress by leaps and bound ….hmmmmm……….sounds great ..doesn’t it?

Well, for this dream to become a reality it is essential for the common man to have a sense of clarity about the objective of privatization (I am still trying to figure out the pros and cons. So far my balance leans heavily towards privatization). The government should have a clear time table and needs to be strong about its stand in this issue. Dilly dallying would be no good and the privatization could become yet another famous “5-year plans and policies”. And for educated people like you and me, it is our duty to know the difference and voice our opinions. You may wonder to yourself “Blah! How does voicing our opinions make a difference?” . Well. It may not matter much, may not have an effect… but mabbe someone who is not aware of existence of such an issue may read about it… know about… get curious enough about it to form his/her own opinion about it..perhaps then someday our "for the people, by the people" goverment will actually listen to the logic. Perhaps someday then, a country like ours which deserves the best ….will get the best.. and be the best!

God be praised

2006-02-02T16:02:00.000-08:00

Yipeee… I am ready to swing dance… where is my partner…. Where are thou my Romeo?? Where? ……
My heart sings and my eyes are lighted… I see hope, bright shining hope that my dreams may yet come true! Yeah baby! I am a beautiful happy gal, swirling away… and if I were wearing a skirt instead of my jeans u could see the swirl better!!

The reason: MACHINE IS WORKING (finally)… it is still non-operational in one essential function, but meanwhile I can work on something atleast. Oh! The constant heaviness which accompanied me has suddently disappeared and find myself singing and crooning some age ol’ songs. Am keeping my fingers crossed and praying that from now on everything goes smooth. Pray for me…

Here I come.... all geared for traveling on road to happiness

2006-02-01T06:31:00.000-08:00

Finally a day which makes me happy… the machine is not yet fixed… but I am going to keep my hopes up from now on. I decided that keeping myself occupied was the best possible thing to do…so I started learning LabVIEW (its simple really) and also went and persuaded my prof. to gimme some new work. So here I am fixing some cryopreservation stage and feeling happy ‘coz at last I have something meaningful to do. Meanwhile my prayers are on for the machine and I hope that things will soon be back on track….. and I have stopped thinking about “Oh! At this rate I will not graduate by March”. I have decided that being a graduate student is tough enough without me having to ponder about this over and over again. In the time I find myself free….. I am gonna look at some contemporary art on “Google” (I intend to put up small paintings of women at various stages of undress in my restroom in future) ….so well, I have a whole lotta things to do … and pondering and feeling sorry for myself is not one of them!!!! Yeah!! I like my current attitude already (Due to absence of graphics…please imagine a smile with a wink)........

How?

2006-01-31T14:02:00.000-08:00

I am sitting here, staring at the computer and wondering what to write. I have so much to say, yet find myself contemplating about what to leave out. The happenings in my life aren’t many, but yet to me it seems like life has come to a standstill. I have friends telling me to get over this phase of “self obsessed introspection” but somehow I find myself unable to do so. I get up and come to school, find that the instrument I need to work on is still “Non-operational”, have so much more to do, wonder if I will be able to finish it before I set forth for India in April. The worry eats me and there is nothing much I can do. I laugh and speak normally but thoughts gnaw into my heart… I find myself unable to answer the question “When will u finish?” I think I am depressed, I no longer like talking to anyone ….mabbe ‘coz everyone has the same question in different forms. I just want to graduate and get over with it… I am tired……………….. I don’t know how to deal with it. I have to get over this and look forward to the future which promises me so much. I have to think about good things like Marriage, Family and Friends……….but how do I do so when my mind is so clouded and heart so heavy??? How indeed?

Today.....

2006-01-27T14:53:00.000-08:00

I am feeling lonely today. Inspite of having Shiva, my family and some great friends I am feeling lonely. Work is not going well, I think probably ‘coz I just did not put enough effort. I am missing home and him. I just can’t bring myself to speak to my friends here about it. After all it is my burden to carry, why let anyone know about what I am feeling right now. I hate talking about my work with anyone, I like to deal with the things at work myself. There is a lot happening on work front which should not have happened, some of it (no perhaps, most of it) my fault. Knowing that I am to blame for the crap I find myself in, I find it difficult to even tell him about it. I am ashamed of myself at the moment and that shame is so great that it denies me the right to share it even with my own. Friends….. I have …….. but may be I am just not the kind who evokes strong feelings in people. May be I still have to grow and learn not to expect from people, that way I will not be disappointed. Perhaps, the mistake lies in me… I become too emotionally attached with some and when I am not responded in kind I find heart heavy with indescribable feelings. I hope in future atleast when I work I don’t ever have to ask anyone for help (for I know now that may be asking for help is very close to “using them”). Today, I have promised myself…. I am going to work and find everything I know by myself irrespective of how ever long it takes. I also will try not to feel so lonely, so alone and stranded………………..I have to do that…………. I have to survive with dignity n’ pride!!!

Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni... her books make me think about .... a lot of things

2006-01-26T19:12:00.000-08:00

Over the past few days I have found myself literally devouring the books by Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni. Perhaps, the fact that all her books are related to people from India, my country, holds me so much under its spell. All her works have a rather fascinating innuendo in them and speak about old “Indian-ess” which I somewhere along my quest for modernity seem to have left behind. Her books speak about Bengal and Bengalis whose culture is so far removed from mine (I am a south Indian army product) that I find myself puzzling over the stronghold they seem to have over me. The stories linger on in my mind long after I finish reading them, each of them making me think and analyze the depths of my own thoughts (some of them murky) which I had so far been unable to fathom. The fact that all her stories are so deeply engulfed with reality makes me think a lot about my country which I have left behind. I find my self wondering with awe over the deep rooted culture of ours, about the traditions and superstitions which form the backbone of the rural-India

Surprisingly, I also find in myself a yearning to live in those traditions and make some of them mine. . I have always prided on the fact that I have had a modern upbringing (by Indian standards), with mom who has always been my bestest friends but, this yearning to know more about my culture and traditions brings with it a thunderous flash of edification about myself !!! (I have always so far mocked at the so called ol’ fashioned ways and outdated thoughts which people still stick onto) However now I am forced to admit that our culture which at times seems so stifling to me (even now) brings along with it the undeniable love of elders. The old try to seep u into their ways, we revolt and think of them as fools, but wat we forget to c is the immense love that they have for us which makes them want to pass on their traditions, their ways to us.

Reading these books take me down the dusty lane of my memories and I remember the love of my grandmom (my mom’s mom) when she would put us to sleep by telling us stories and making us pray. I remember combing her white silvery hair and of her making my favorite “Tamarind rasam” (YUM). I remember sitting with her while she read books to me (I think I may have gotten my love of reading from her and ma) and her feeding me those rice balls with her hand. I miss her and my eyes fill with tears as I write this. In this moment of introspection, I hope somewhere down the lane in future my children at least learn to appreciate these love soaked traditions and culture which binds the hearts of the family so closely and tightly and makes India unique from the rest of the world.

U have to read this!!!!!

2006-01-23T12:26:00.000-08:00

I read this amazingly hilarious post titled "2005: A crappy new year"......haven't laughed as much for a long time and very well-written ..give it a try... c if it makes u howl/ smile as well..... hav fun reading :)

Marriage advice- available in abundance

2006-01-23T12:10:00.000-08:00

With marriage looming ahead, I have been receiving advice from all quarters. When I call up home, mom is like “Beta, don’t cut ur hair…let it grow longer, it will look good in snaps” and my sis “Please wear leghanga for the wedding instead of saree… u will look so WOW”. The question which I have come to abhor with all passion is “So when r u coming to India? Come at least one month before the marriage”. With me working against time to get my thesis in shape and complete my work, this is the last thing I have in mind and somehow this question just ticks me off. I hate the idea of having a huge wedding (which BTW we are having), of smiling and posing for snaps with people/relatives we don’t even know (which we will be doing). But well, knowing Indian weddings and the hungama surrounding it, I am just glad that at least I got to choose my own hubby. And he is an amazing guy and I thank lord everyday for giving me the gift of him, I hope our love just grows and grows as we grow older and wiser (?).

Anywaz, my dear friend, keeps advising me on how I should be exercising daily and look really amazingly beautiful on the marriage day. She says very knowingly (I can almost see her smile her knowing smile) “U don’t want to turn the guy off on your wedding night u know!!” As usual I nod my head and vow to myself “I will take up swimming again “(which I don’t think helps to reduce, but that’s the only form of exercise I can tolerate). But somehow after struggling with writing thesis and facing the frustrating attempts at fabrication (MEMS device) I just seem to be mentally tired to do anything. I come back home early (I am back by 7.30pm) and I do have a lotta time to go work out. But I end up curling up with a book, listening to music and just relaxing. Its still there in my list of things “I want to do” but I know one thing for sure… I want to exercise for myself and not to make myself attractive for someone else (he is attracted enough for him to marry me and I guess the rest he will have to deal with/ get used to).

I even had a few people telling me “hey U have to reduce as u will look FAT next to him”. Well, I am 5 feet 8’ and for my height I can carry my weight well enough, I may not be thin but I am certainly not fat…. And I am just tired of people telling me to reduce. I know all of them mean well (after all they are my dear friends) but I also know this “he loves me and he cares for me, and I am attractive to him as he is to me” and I think thats all that matters at the end. I am ready to work-out take all efforts together with him, but right now……. I just don’t have the energy to think about “OMG! He is so thin while I am so much on the other end. Will people think we make a good couple?” I just know that I love him a lot (more than I have ever loved anyone) and if that love can’t carry us through, becoming thinner and having the most amazing figure certainly cannot!!!!

Hmmm…... extending on the list are these few more things –“Drink atleast 1.5 lts of water everyday”, “ Don’t color ur hair”, “Put some kind of face mask every day” (Till the date I have never got a facial done ….I agree itz time to bring about some changes like this), “stay off cheesy and fired stuff”, “In India, get a whole body massaged every day 2 weeks before marriage”, “Get something for your facial hair”, “Don’t use oral contraceptive pills…they have side effects”, “Don’t tell him everything, not good, keep something’s to urself” (I tell him everything, including sometimes high criticism about his side) and my favorite from my grandma “Use haldi (Turmeric) on your face it will make u fair and don’t drink coffee it will make u darker than what you already are!”

Advices are welcome… I agree all of them have my good in their heart, but please, I am glad when they are told once or twice and not over and over again. I like to think that he likes me the way I am (atleast I hope so) and he is attracted to even when I am as I am now and I would like to continue thinking so. All this “concerned” advicing about looks department…just somehow makes me feel so “not good looking” and I really want to feel beautiful now before marriage. It may be an illusion but it is one of those I would like to harbor (at least for a lil’ while now). Telling me over and over again about how I should spruce up myself before the D-day just makes me feel real bad about me and my looks. I may not be a great looker (infact a looker at all) but I certainly don’t want to be told about it again and again. I just want to stay in my dream world and think I look beautiful in the eyes of one who matters and not wonder about “Oh! Does he find me good looking? Do I attract him? Will he like me even after he actually see’s me?” …………………..No let my illusions be and let me hold on to my golden dreams of “Happily ever after” ‘coz sometimes dreams do turn into reality ………………

Abortion...my views on it!

2006-01-22T16:25:00.000-08:00

For some reason, for past few days, I have been reading a lot about abortion laws and rights. Mabbe its due to the fact that a friend of mine (newly married) had a pregnancy scare and while telling me about it she also mentioned about having considered the abortion idea (They are still in a financially delicate situation). That got us yapping (as women usually do) on the pros and cons of having one and stuff like that. Well, after having this conversation, today on the eve of the 33rd anniversary of the legendry Roe Vs Wade case which altered the abortion scene all over US, I couldn’t believe that there were so many people actually protesting against the right to having an abortion!! I agree a late term abortion (after the tri-semester) shouldn’t be allowed legally or otherwise, however, I just can’t agree to the idea of a woman having no say as to whether she wants to have a baby or not. It is woman who has to carry the baby for nine months, whose life changes forever after birth of a child, whose body bears the mark of bringing another life to earth. Then why should the woman not have a say as to whether she wants to have a baby or not? As a matter of fact, how can anyone who has not been in a position where abortion is an option knows how it feels? I am sure that most of the women who opt for abortion do so ‘coz their options are thin. The anguish and the guilt which a woman must face while making such a big decision must be huge by itself without adding an issue to legality to it. I am sure even in case abortion is declared illegal it wouldn’t actually stop people from having it. Infact, women who feel they have no other option would still go for an abortion, in such a case, in shady clinics. When we have options for everything in life (like skimmed milk or full fat milk, Marriage or live-in relationship, here or there..etc etc ) without any legal issues involved, the issue of abortion is also simply a matter of choice and all women in the world should have a right to make this choice!!!

the decision to have an abortion generally should be between a woman, her doctor, her conscience, and her God

Joys so far this year... this time......

2006-01-16T10:09:00.000-08:00

So herez my first post for this year……

With holidaying and moving into a new apartment and of course loads of pending work I hardly found time to sit and write. Right now even as I am writing this I have been changing my address on all possible credit cards and of course, USPS. Shifting by itself wasn’t as stressful as I thought it would be, infact I got quite a kick by sitting in the front seat of a u-haul truck (which of course my skilled friend drove, I was just a passenger gaping out on the roads from a seat so high up!!). The good thing about the new apartment is having my own room!!! I never thought I missed having my personal space so much but now that I have my own room its just so much cooler. Yesterday, just for the heck of it, before going to my dream world in the night, I threw my intimates on the floor. The freedom of being able to do so was just exhilarating. In the morning instead of changing in the restroom, I choose to change in the room. I didn’t have to lower my volume while speaking on the phone in the night and I get to keep my room the way I like it. I can now have my bouts of cleanliness and sometimes live like a pig. I guess I am feeling this all the more ‘coz its over 2.5 years since I have had this kind of space for myself. Of course the fact that I like my apartment mate (my ex-roomie) a lot also makes staying like this cool ‘coz I know that she is still there for me when I really am low or down.

Another thing which I realized this year is that I actually have become attached to roomie (now apartment mate) of mine. I came back from NYC earlier than she came back from her holidaying and I actually happened to have missed her. It just seemed strange not to have her around. Sometimes you take people for granted and its only when they are not around that you realize what they mean to you. That is exactly what happened to me. I never realized when and how she made a transition from being a roomie to being a friend!! But I am glad that she did and irrespective of whether the feelings are mutual or not…. For me she has become a friend I look forward to having around.

And now coming back to talking about having my own room…….I think itz great also ‘coz it may be the last time I could ever get to have one. I am getting married in April (OMG!! Itz true….. I shall be soon joining the ranks of the old “committed till death do us apart” kinds and the funny thing is that I am actually looking forward to it). And of course once married I can’t possibly sleep in a room of my own (I have a feeling I wouldn’t like to either ;)….). So getting this kind of space is kind of great.

Speaking of marriage, my trip to NYC made me realize that I am a terrible “housewife” material. I hate having to do nothing and I am constantly on an itch to go out and wander around (which I did do while he was slogging away). I could also turn out to be a perfect nag if I sat around at home for long. So itz highly essential for my sanity (and his) that I get a good job soon….otherwise …god help us newly married couple (in futuristic mode). Hence I have decided to start looking out for jobs sometime soon (resume…application….GROAN).

I can go on and on about so many other things... but work becokns and I have to answer itz painful call....so herez me signing off ....hoping to be back again soon...with another post,....another day!

one of my fav things

2005-12-30T18:23:00.000-08:00

I just realised my fav flower are tulips... that too pinkish-red in color....'coz he suprises me with those once in a while.. and it makes my heart sing and me dance :)

My new year's GIFT!!

2005-12-30T18:02:00.000-08:00

Yipee! I got a new years gift… my first new years gift ever and what makes it really special is that this is something I wanted to get myself for ages and ages and finally its mine – “my precious” (lord of the rings golem style). It sleek, and slides in and out easily and makes amazing noise (I did almost purr when I first saw it out). And before you get your imagination really wild, it my new cell phone ….. Siemens SL55. I have been in love with it since it first came out in the market two years ago, but being a student it was quiet beyond my pockets capacity. Now that the rates are slashed (old model and all) I don’t even feel guilty receiving it as a gift.
Guys love cars and most of the girls love make-up but I for some weird reason have been fascinated with the cell phones! There was a time when I kept track of the latest happenings in the cell-phone world and was well versed with the various technologies involved in it. Well, it doesn’t sound like much, but the fact is that the intricate details involved in it is rather amazing. But this love affair ended rather tragically when I got my first cell phone Motorola V600. Alas! From then on, I seem to just have had constant bad luck with the “mobile” world. I have had to change 6 cell-phones in past 2 years. Once I couldn’t hear, in one the numbers wouldn’t dial and so on. Thank god I was under warrantee… but that blessing also ended when outta sheer frustration I threw my cell phone and it cracked. From thereon I had to do with an “hand-me-down” nokia phone (which looked more like a walkie-talkie). So now you can imagine how excited I must be at the moment to get my hands on such a small, cutie pie of a cell-phone. Yeah! Yeah! Here I come with my new phone!!!!!!!!

A simple thought

2005-12-23T13:58:00.000-08:00

I was asked why he loves me so..... I really don't know... but I guess I am just lucky that he does :)

Am I this??

2005-12-23T13:52:00.000-08:00

I saw this quizz from Sirisha's blog and as usual cldn't resist taking it and the result I have to admit has me like "me? this???" take it your self and see if it matches with what you think you are :)

You Are Boyish Sexy

You're the kind of girl who gets along with all the boys
Whether it's holding your own in a game of touch football...
Or kicking some major butt while playing Xbox.
You hang with the guys easily, while still keeping your girly sexiness.

What Kind of Sexy Are You?

I hope.....

2005-12-23T09:09:00.001-08:00

To not feel shy, look at him, into his eyes without heat rushing onto my face
To finish the first three chapters of my thesis while I am holidaying (HIGH HOPES)
To meet some good ol' friends
To have clear skies, twinkling stars and not "so cold" NYC
To skate without falling in every two seconds
To shake my leg and have fun on the new year's eve
To check out those museums I have been eying for quite sometime now
To shake off that "shyness, coyness" which comes from being an Indian and freak out big time
To wear layers of clothing and still look "Good"
To eat and eat and not put on a pound
To cook fabously (after all a way to man's heart is through his stomach)
To savour and enjoy each moment in NYC with him and friends

Equality - in and out of the bed!

2005-12-19T13:49:00.000-08:00

“Memoirs of a Geisha” is the last book I read and since then I catch myself pondering over it at odd times. When I think of the life which a Geisha leads I consider myself so lucky, at least I have the chance to make my own choices, make my own life and my own mistakes. I decide with whom I spend the rest of my life, I bask in the knowledge that I am loved and cherished, I have the right to make all the important decisions and lay my own rules for living my life. Gosh! I can’t imagine having none of this freedom and I also wonder if a guy could take all this that a women can. Somehow I doubt it, I don’t think a guy will ever live and not loose his dignity and metal peace under same circumstances. I still don’t understand how a man who is married and has a home still seeks comfort in bed elsewhere. What is with men and sex? Why are many of the men not satisfied with having one mate? And why should the rules differ for women? Why is that a woman is chastised and thrown for crimes of passion while men revel in it? Of course some men claim to have this insatiable urge which has to be satisfied and can’t be satiated with a single partner, why is the same not valid for women?????? Don’t take me wrong, I have immense respect in relationships (I myself am in one) but I am always ready to take up arms against discrimination of any kind and for me this looks like a discrimination. May be it’s the time we not only had women’s brothel but men’s as well. In this world where we scream for equality, it is the time that women treat men the same way as they have been treated in and out of the bed, only then would world be a fair place in all respects!!!

Artic Vs NYC.. shopping .... and more happenings!

2005-12-18T12:29:00.000-08:00

So I did it……..inspite of having made an resolution very recently not to exert my budget … I went shopping yet again yesterday!! (With this shopping I have thrown my credit card to the darkest corner and am working on hypnotizing myself to believe that I don’t have a CC!!! )Of course.. to me the reason for it sounds very reasonable. It is my first new years with my dear darl’ and I want him out flat absolutely. I got myself a silhouette which makes me look lot taller than my 5 feet 8 inches and a great looking spaghetti top which shows my figure to an advantage ( I think I look sexy…since no one else will say it to me, I may as well admit it). I just hope “he” thinks so too… and when I think about how cold it is gonna be in NYC and me in the spaghetti … I kinda freeze on my tracks!! Brrrrr…. For a person from the land of bayou, NYC is bound to be like the Artic. So with an aim to prepare myself to the “harsh” conditions and to survive through the cold, I picked up a book based on artic recently and decided to follow exactly what they mention in the book to prevent cold. I am going to walk a lil’ bend (looking towards the ground, keeping my back much like the camels hump), so that I don’t let air into my lungs directly and take deep shallow breaths. Also, I am going to try my best not to shiver, as when u shiver- ur body looses resistance and you become more prone to cold (SHIT). Now I feel all geared up to face the mother nature with a smirk and say to her “look look I survived!!”. Amongst my various grand plans in NYC is the plan to learn ice skating. I admit I have tried my hand on it once earlier and all I did was to land on my BUTT all the time. This time I am all set to prove that I can land on my head and back as well :). So wish me all the best friends ‘coz I am gonna take the risk of bending my already twisted brain a lil’ more with all the falling down!!! God bless my boy friend/ fiancé (yeah yeah!! We are getting married soon, and its official …WOW) coz he is the one who has to bear with my “Ohhhs” and “Ahhhh” and “hmmmmm….” (all puns intended ;)….). Yeah!! I admit that I am counting my days till I see “him” and I have all plans of jumping on him (easier said than done, unfortunately, my Indian upbringing makes me a very shy Desi face to face) and in all probability I am gonna be in all thumbs when I see him- blushing as usual and taking my own sweet time in airport to actually look up and see his face (LORD!! CAN U BELIEVE THAT? I still can’t believe I do that each and every time!! ). People who know me will never believe I can be shy (what the heck! Neither can I) but well herez the news flash- “ I am, I am…incredibly so around u know who”. We have a couple of friends coming from else where for New years and normally I would be all excited about it but…. Right now I am hoping that I get along with all of them well (all r his friends and we just realized it yesterday that so many r gracing us with their presence)!! Well, I am sure itz gonna b a gr8 fun and more the merrier (or so goes the saying) …..right now I just can’t wait for 24th to come (‘coz thts when I get to meet HIM) and I am jumping up and down on my sofa with the excitement and before I break the sofa (and my roomie kills me for that) I better sign off at this ecstatic note and more updates as time permits.

Follow the white rabbit..................

2005-12-08T15:55:00.000-08:00

Yesterday after a long tiring working day, I was all set to die of exhaustion but I decided to live a while longer when these words lit up my TV screen:

“Wake up, Neo”
“The Matrix has you”
“Follow the white rabbit”

Every time I see Matrix, I am spellbound at the sheer genius and innovativeness of the idea. This exhilarating movie completely manages to glue me to the couch every single time. Neo..Trinity….Morpheus…Mr.Smith, the interaction between each of these characters and their role is just awesome! Of course I have read many articles about it being inspired by “alice in wonderland/ wizard of Oz”, but who cares? The movie is in fact one of those rare ones that successfully manages to create an absolutely delightful blend of kinetics, atmosphere, intelligent concepts and jaw-dropping action and effects. It toys successfully with the boundaries between reality and fantasy to create an unmistakable symbolism even on deeper level. Irrespective of how many times I see the movie it never ever falls into the boring, expected patterns instead always manages to involve me. I can go on and on about the Matrix, itz underlying philosophy and its mind boggling effect on me, but well this is not really an review and more blah, blahing may make it sound like one…….. so lemme end this here with a confession that for me Matrix is and will be – “One of the best movies ever made”!!!

BEWARE-- This is my take on Indian politics at the moment!!!!

2005-12-07T11:50:00.000-08:00

“Natwar Singh resigns” proclaims the Indian headline for the day. No surprises there, ever since the allegations against him for Iraq’s oil-for-food program this has been a much expected move. And the fact that it is another big official at the helm of the scandal in India comes as no surprise either (Laloo-fodder scam…etc etc). With BJP creating an ruckus at the parliament it was just a matter of time before Natwar Singh stepped down and now that he has done so, I can’t help but wonder what new scene would the opposition need to disrupt the proceedings yet again. Of course I agree that the Volcker committee's revelations brought disrepute to the country and in Advani’s own words “Disrepute is due to the fact that beneficiaries of the international scam are running the government at the Centre”. I agree that the guilty needs to be punished and I am in complete accordance with the opposition screaming “murder”! But what I really don’t understand is that what the NDA was doing in January 2004 when it first came to know about congress’s involvement with the oil-for-food. BJP of course denies having prior knowledge but well as the saying goes “there is no smoke without fire”, I fail to understand why the NDA government did not act then? Was it ‘coz they wanted their regime to be smooth or mabbe they didn’t want to stir hornet’s nest before the elections! Anyways the point is that no political party actually raises a voice for the country they r supposed to serve! The arguments are dished out and the opinions loudly voiced only when the party see’s some political mileage. I know this scenario holds good for political parties all over the world…. But somehow when it comes to the Indian politics the hypocrisy seems to be more evident! I know I am back lashing and stating opinion about something which I admit to having just layman’s knowledge of, but well, aren’t the policies and working of the political parties meant for layman! I may not be right, I know that my comprehension about the whole “hypocrisy in Indian politics” may be a bit skewed, but I also know that I am still hoping for more refined politics to gain stronghold. Politics will always be a game with no rules, nothing can change that, but I hope with time as more and more educated people gain entry to the political arena, our Indian politics may perhaps grow to be more subtle and less “noisy”. Well, who knows this may yet become a reality…. After all miracles never cease to happen!

Saturday shopping and a lil' blah, blah......

2005-12-04T09:21:00.000-08:00

Today I am in a mood to bitch about someone and before I am done with writing this piece I will do it too. But there are certain more important things about which I definitely need to write about like shopping. Yesterday I decided to go shopping and since I don’t have my own transportation, I usually end up asking one of my friends. But since I wasn’t really in a mood to do the asking for either a ride or company, I decided to catch the public transportation and go on a shopping spree. Once in the mall, I went to all the stores where I could without thinking “Oh! man what will the guy think”… the absolute girlie stores which most of my Indian friends would refuse to step into. I blew money, left, right and center. But I think of the things I bought as an investment! I certainly feel very good looking when I wear those “certain” things and the fact that they belong to “my eyes only” territory makes me feel even better. Hmmmm… but one thing which I bought and was skeptical about buying was a leather jacket. I saw it on the rack and fell in love with it and the fact that it was on sale made it too hard to resist. I went into the trail room with it and was trying out the jacket when two American ladies came by and told me “wow! That looks nice on you, you certainly have the figure to carry it off!” (imagine me having a FIGURE). Well, I was still in doubts when the lady who was in-charge for the trail room walked in and told me “I hope you are buying it, it looks great on you!” and an old lady who just got out of one of the trail rooms nodded her head in agreement. That decided it! I went ahead and used my credit card (I am sure I will whine when I pay the bills). Anywaz, since I was on a spending spree, I even went to Dillards with an idea of buying myself some make-up (I don’t have any), unfortunately the lady who suggests which one to buy had already left………so that bought my shopping spree to an end. In the bus, on the way back home, I decided that to give back the jacket if my roomies didn’t like it. So I came home and the first thing I did was to try on the jacket for my roomies benefit. Though her reaction wasn’t as enthusiastic as the American’s, I still decided to keep it as she said it did look nice. And so here I am sitting on my bed, still glowing with the afterglow of spending money, “retail therapy” absolutely rocks!

Coming to bitching, I am just ready to shout at one of my roomies, I know she and another roomie don’t really see eye to eye, but she sends me an email saying “Hi.. your expenditure is _____________bye ___”! She could have told me the same thing face to face or called me and told me this. The first thing in the morning when I get up, I get to hear “Hey fridge needs to be cleaned”. Well, I agree, but why should I do it alone. I don’t mind if all are there helping out. It is not like I am the only person using the fridge and moreover most of the stuff inside in the vessels in not even mine! I just get irritated when things like this are said, it would have been better if I was told “Hey, we ought to clean the fridge”. What I don’t understand is that just ‘coz I come home earlier than her doesn’t mean I work less, I just can’t be productive after giving in “7-8 hours” of constant work and I choose to come back home and unwind. I really don’t understand “I am too busy to help u, but you can do it alone anywaz” concept. I just don’t want to talk to her about it ‘coz I like her and would not want to pick up a fight before leaving. I hate being “ordered” and I believe in having an “collective responsibility” for the apartment and I refuse to tend it to alone!

After effects of the "rotten" day!

2005-11-30T09:36:00.000-08:00

My dad had often called me “sensitive” and today I just have to agree with him. My heart still feels heavy and tears are just ready to fall (I am so prone to tears), but I somehow control it and I tell myself to stop being a fool. Its just that I have never really seen “my dearest” angry and yesterday when I heard him, I just felt my heart ache. The ache continues and it hurts so much more ‘coz I know the reason for my “very-calm” person to lose his anger was me. I wish I was more sensitive to others needs. Mabbe I am self obsessed, mabbe all I think about it always “ME, Me and me”, I feel like a selfish jerk and I feel like a slob. I couldn’t get up from the bed and I couldn’t sleep, I kept turning and tossing but my mind finds no peace. I do have this habit of making a mountain outta mole hill and I think that is what I am doing now. I have to be in school, to get over the setbacks I suffered yesterday, start writing again, but I just feel so ……………well……something. Its like a hand holding and squeezing my heart dry. My work, my friends, my relationships… I am good at nothing at all. I feel like a failure in all the ways possible and I do wish I was smarter, more responsible, nicer and a good person. But I find myself being neither. I find myself questioning god’s design. I wish I was in island, that way I would never have the ability to hurt anyone, say anything wrong or loose any important data with a press of button. I always have wanted to be good at what I do…. Including being a good friend, a good GF, a good daughter… a good sis, a good worker, roomie etc etc.………….but I seem to just fall short of everything. I know that right now I am feeling sorry about myself and making myself feel more miserable (I am too practical not to know that) but I just can’t make this feeling go away!

I sometimes think that I will never be truly happy ‘coz I am always worried, pondering over something or the other. Of course, this can’t be entirely true ‘coz I am happy most of the times, itz just that I don’t really write about my happy times. Writing about things which bother me always makes me feel better, it helps me analyze my thoughts and know where I am going wrong. As I write this too, I feel like a load lifting off, I feel better and I wonder what is so therapeutic about writing down ones feeling. Well, who knows and whoz bothered, I just know it works for me and I know by evening if things go well, I will be happy again with all these thoughts of introspection behind me. I know by evening I would have already realized my faults and would try to get over them (sometimes successfully, sometimes unsuccessfully)…… I will probably feel lucky about being me….till the next wave of my introspection hits me!

Happenings of a rotten day.....a page from my life right now

2005-11-29T21:46:00.000-08:00

As most of the rotten days begin my day began quite pleasantly. For once I got up early enough to have breakfast and walk to school at a normal pace. But that was about the only good thing which happened to me. I teach lab to 3rd year undergrad mechanical students and usually pride myself at doing the job well. But today I fumbled my way through the whole thing and I am not sure that they even understood what I was speaking about. The sad part was that this particular part of the lab was the one close to my heart; I knew everything that should have been know and was well versed with the intricacies of the topic involved, yet I stood there making a fool of myself.

Anywaz, after the lab I decided to sit and work on a journal paper which I had been postponing for a long while now ….. and I even finished it … I was just congratulating myself on a job well done when I decided to switch users on the computer….and somehow my whole folder got purged. My 1.5 months work, with no back up, a part of my thesis …everything… I tried retrieving it, but couldn’t. I asked a few guys I knew to do the same, but they couldn’t. The worst thing is that it’s my fault for not having had a back up for all my data. The tears are not far away, but I refuse to give in ‘coz the fault is all mine and I have to accept it. Hopefully the computer administrator of the department can help me tomorrow! I am keeping my fingers crossed, he is my last hope.

In the evening I was made to realize how I had started taking someone dear for granted and in the process was becoming rather insensitive to his feelings. I also realized that mabbe I had taken to “not” being entirely truthful to one person who mattered to me. The things he told me hurt me more ‘coz he hit very close to heart. I couldn’t be angry with him ‘coz each word was truth… but it did make me realize how much I need to grow in certain matters. But I do wish he understood me a little better, and realize that I wouldn’t be the same person if I change these things in me. For me he will always remain the most important person, but now I know that I will have to work towards this relationship mabbe much more than the others I have.

Well…… after this long discussion which made me feel even more rotten, my dearest roomie decided to “discuss” a few things. I just told her what I felt and she claimed she had no problem with me but she did have with my other roomie. And I just hope that they can sort it out….’coz I do like both the gals, they r just 2 very different people. I hate to be in a position where my heart and mind refuses to clearly support anyone. Frankly looking how things are going for me, I think that finally the blame may pass on to me. Gosh! I would die of guilt if it does (my conscious is clear, but yet……)

Finally as usual when exhausted with everything and everyone in the world, I choose to use my secret source of strength. I tried calling home, I wanted to just speak to mom, hear her voice, and know there is still someone who accepts and loves me with all my faults, who could tell me “things will be ok, you will be able to get over your setbacks” without telling me again and again about how stupid or irresponsible I was/am ( I hate hearing that). But I couldn’t get the call through. Oh! I am so tired and torn today that I could just break, but I will not……coz I know tomorrow will be better… any day will be better than today.

Yippee I am a mid-rank Nerd

2005-11-24T15:00:00.000-08:00

I took this test about level of nerdiness (thanx to Kanishk ) and found that I am a mid-level nerd...well, I have always been a "wanna-b nerd" and after doing masters in engineering I suppose I shld be able to qualify as a nerd anywaz.... being a nerd makes you kinda stand out ;) ..... hopefully I stand out otherwise too....but the quiz by itself is nothin gr8..any freshman cld qualify to b a nerd.. u just need to kow certain basic stuff...n' ur a NERD..... so check out wat u cld qualify to b :)

My thanksgiving resolution

2005-11-24T14:40:00.000-08:00

I never knew I could term myself as a “shopoholic” and here I am today, ready to do so. Ahh! Each week I promise myself that I won’t spend on anything frivolous or unnecessary this week… and poof!! Thanks to the advent of the internet shopping all my good intentions fly outta window! Thankfully I still haven’t started spending beyond what I earn and I still manage to clear my credit cards at the end of the month (Phew! Thank god for small mercies and that little bit of brains I still happen to have left).

Well, the weird thing of my “shopoholicsm” is that I get bouts of buying something particular. The results of my last venture into net shopping fills my apartment to the brink……“Books”….. I spend a fortune on it and I still treasure all the books that I have with me. I still feel that thrill rush though me when I read an absolutely new hardbound book. The delight of turning a new page and the smell of a new book still manages to turn me on but one thing which really turns me off is my “credit card” bill at the end of the day! And after finally fighting and winning the urge to buy more and more books (mainly due to my newest discovery to the joys of book borrowing in library), I discovered that I liked having DVDs on my racks as well.

I bought a DVD for a friend for his Bday 4 months back (a Bday which is in Nov… yeah! I think about the presents and buy them ages before the day actually comes) and there was this great deal on these few movies I liked. So I decided to buy them as well. Unfortunately, once u get a good deal u are always on look out for more and when you really look you can get real great deals online. So before my mind could even assimilate my newest “quirk”… I found myself buying DVD and groaning yet again at my CC bills. Hmmm, but I have to admit that being a movie freak it is a pleasure to have these DVDs on my rack and just watch some of those fabulous movies whenever I feel like. Right from “My fair lady” to “Matrix” to “Jumanji” etc etc … each one a classic in itz own way. …. And each one straining my CC in one way.

To get away from it herez my thanksgiving resolution (I wonder if people make thanksgiving resolutions but well there should always be a first time for everything)….so herez my resolution… “I am going to stay away from online shopping” and “I swear not to buy anything outrageous for atleast 5 months” (GROAN! That’s gonna be hard to keep). Now that I have it in writing and out in open for all to see, I hope to refrain my self from straining my bank balance further and scrimping and saving for future! Wish me all the best amigos… adios!

Personal space in an relationship

2005-11-12T17:01:00.000-08:00

I got this from a blog on my friend kanishks blog, http://justkanishk.blogspot.com who actually gave the link for the article in rediff.com, http://specials.rediff.com/getahead/2005/nov/09sld.htm Well, this article speaks about personal space in an relationship which strikes an perfect chord in me. Being in a relationship can indeed be stifling if itz too crowded and hence the need for being your "own person" and have your "own time". I have always believed in this rather strongly and I hope with all my heart that I will give this personal space to “my dearest” always. I want him to have his “Guys Only” time all the time. I would love him to go on a hol with his set of friends and just do what he would like to. Of course once you enter a relationship things do change, you do have some constraints, but these constraints should be such which actually are by choice of the person himself/herself and not 'coz of some obligation. Of course once you enter a relationship things do change, you do have some constraints, but these constraints should be such which actually are by choice of the person himself/herself. As your relationship grows, you come to know about each other and you start reading the other person well. At this point I guess the thing to do is to read the person well enough and let him have his/her personal space when he/she needs it and one way to know if you are doing so is (according to article which i happen to agree with) is to see if any of the signs given below matches up with u. If it does, then you know now that it is the time you gave some space in!!
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Recognise the signs
i. You get irritated with each other over small issues like what you wear, who you meet. You feel you are being constantly nagged, and being called up too many times unnecessarily.
ii. There is discomfort between you and your partner that seems unnatural. For instance, you go out of your way to avoid each other, or there is a persistent undercurrent of hostility.
iii. One of you becomes too possessive of the other.
iv. One of you gets suspicious and tries to invade the other's privacy (by looking through personal messages, mail etc).
v. You don't look forward to and spend less than the usual time with your partner.
vi. One of you remains preoccupied with work and the need for companionship and support steadily decreases.
vii. There is very little real communication -- talking as well as listening, between the two of you.
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Party at Chinese friend's... and consequences

2005-11-12T16:50:00.000-08:00

Yesterday we had a dinner party at a Chinese friend of mine. Frankly I was reluctant about eating Chinese food especially since I know that their vegetarian menu is literally non-existent. But whoa! The sight which greeted us at her house was not only scrumptious to look at but smelled good as well. So I decided to lay my prejudice aside and go ahead and eat the whole array of food placed decoratively and rather irresistibly in front of me. And the food tasted as good as it looked and the expectant look on this friend of mine for comments is rather hard to resist. You have to but like her as a person and yesterday I had to admit to myself she was a good cook too. Groan! All my friends are great cooks…. Everyone except me………..my cooking is more temperamental, sometimes great to eat and sometimes just manageable. Well, getting back to the Chinese friend’s party you should have seen the delight on her face when we said her food was good. I wouldn’t mind having Chinese food, alas! if only Chinese restaurants were as considerate of the veggies like me.
Hmm… looking back at the party the amusing thing was perhaps that as soon as we reached, my dear pal came out with all her make up kit. And looking at her I would have frankly never guessed that she actually uses any make up at all. And the whole thing was amusing ‘coz we had 2 guys sitting next to us and the look on their face when our pal came out with her cosmetics was priceless. The guys were looked so stunned and after the surprise wore off there came a resigned look which said “crazy girls”. Anywaz looking at her range of cosmetics and also at the range of ones used by my dear roommates I feel rather like a village belle. I still have no idea how to put a foundation or an eye shadow. When I need to dress up, I faithfully use my sun screen lotion n’ eyeliner, lipstick is almost my skin color (I just feel conscious to put on more fancier shades) and that’s about it. I think now that I am 24 and a grown woman (wow! That sounds quite old) I ought to do something about my ignorant ways. Mabbe spruce up myself more to look groomed, I am seriously thinking of going and getting a makeup kit suggested by one of those ladies at Dillards. But being a lazy bone I am sure even then I would just consider it a too much of an effort and well, just let that costly lil’ make up kit waste away. But since something’s are worth a try anywaz I may just go ahead and indulge myself this once and hopefully the results are worth a watch ;)…..

BTW.... I really find thinking of heading and ending of a written work more tiresome than anything else ....so bear with them :)

Animal quiz

2005-11-08T09:11:00.000-08:00

ANIMAL QUIZ

You Are A: Pony!

Who doesn't love a pony? You are one of these miniature horses, renown for your beauty and desired by many. Full of grace, you are a beautiful and very special animal, full of strength and majesty.
You were almost a: Duck or a Lamb
You are least like a: Mouse or a Chipmunk

Link: http://www.cuteducky.com/cute_animal_quiz.html

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I took this test just for the heck of it ... in a moment of idleness.... of course when I saw it in one of the blogs I visited .. just cldn't resist.... Luv animals.... and already dream of having this amazingly cute, dumb looking Lab... who will welcome me back home with a lotta jumping and a whole lotta of licking on the face .... i already have the name ready and he is the biggest of my ambitions in my life .... when I have a pet it will be then that I know I have arrived!!

Anywaz.. wld hav luved to b a puppy ...but a pony doesn't sound bad.... take the quiz c wat u turn out to be and c if u can actually associate with the animal ........Itz fun!!!

ahh.. woes of letting go a person

2005-11-07T11:56:00.000-08:00

Well…….meeting and parting they say is a part of life. Then why is meeting someone, being friends with that someone so easy while letting the person go so difficult? Within a span of 5 months I have my 2 gr8 pals leaving and going towards better tidings. The second one is to leave this Saturday and as the day draws nearer I find myself trying to sort my feelings and feel glad that she is moving to a better place with the one she loves. But ahh! My selfish self I find it harder and harder to do so. The fact that I see her everyday and won’t be doing so anymore makes my heart feel heavier. Mabbe itz best if you associate with people but don’t really become so emotionally attached to them. When I was younger my dad always called me “A sentimental fool” n’ I have to admit that things have hardly changed in that aspect. I have alwaz and I think will alwaz be at extremes, I am either too distant or too attached with a person. I am yet to learn how to do things midway.

For me talking has never been a problem. I can speak to a dozen of people at sixes and seven and yet maintain distance well enough. I had even been blamed by one of my ex-room-mates about being “incapable of caring”, well, frankly I didn’t think she was worth it and I give a damn about her opinion about me. But that goes on to show how much at extremes I can be. Also coming here and staying at this place has been a rather revelation about myself to me. At home, I have always been the apple of eye with all my relatives. I sincerely thought I wasn’t so bad at keeping up relationships. But here I realize that I just can’t be good at all at times, I am growly, moody, impatient and whole lotta other things. I wish I could be a better person. I try to be, I try to change but somethings just keep refusing to go…...like a bad coin.

Oops! Looks like I am drifting from the topic again. Well, coming back to the topic I originally meant to write about I am trying to be really happy for my dear friend. I know she has wanted to go from here for a long time and she deserves no less. But I can’t seem to hold back this feeling of selfishness which wishes for her to stay back just a lil’ longer. I am as usual feeling guilty of this terrible selfish attitude of mine but itz just that she seems to have almost become a family. When you are away from home itz friends who become family and all said and done distance does make a difference. I am sure we will be in touch etc etc ………. But things r bound to change …. Afterall isn’t that wat life is all about? As I struggle coming to terms with my selfishness and sadness at her going away .. I try to recognize and reconcile myself to accepting the hard facts of life………..life flies now and will always do so…..

An evening with chopsticks

2005-10-27T18:30:00.000-07:00

After romping blissfully near the lake with one of my dearest friends I came back home in the evening claiming utter boredom with life in general. And my darling roommate and I started jabbering on our favorite topic …..”The Hypocrite Indian Guy”. Well, since the jobless Indian dames like us find this topic a good one to shake in enthusiasm into overworked bones it just seemed like the right thing to talk about. But sometimes even with the topic as interesting as this u still need the right environment. So by sheer inspiration on my beloved roomies part we decided to walk our way to a Chinese restaurant. Of course, this restaurant of the least un-American Chinese restaurant I had come across for a long time (I love the “Indian Chinese… American-Chinese cuisine is just way too bland for my spicy Indian tongue) I readily fell in with her plans and walked away merrily talking all “Double-entrée” talk ….. Woah!! Make no mistake the topics between two of us are alwaz HOT!!!! No “me shy Desi” gal business between us lot. Anywaz off we went without any adventure and ordered some scrumptious dishes (for me of course Veg. fried rice and she order more exotic Madrian chicken). Well, we ate like hogs and we spoke a lil’. But the high point of the evening was definitely the “chop-sticks” which we happened to borrow. One set each for both of us. I have alwaz admired the many uses of the chopstick.. eating being just one of them. Today I learned to use these sticks as my hairpins… and of course the credit of this goes to who else but my roomie… who showed me how to pin my hair in with sheer chopsticks and nothing else.

And I am sitting here right now with chopsticks on my hair.. and feeling and looking so gorgeous that I just couldn’t resist writing a piece about this amazing new hairstyle of mine. I had to share this with the rest of the world.. and for all those girls who have never tried chopsticks on ur hair…lemme tell ya “ur definitely missing something”!!!!! Go for it now!!!!

Miserable tale of mine and conclusions!

2005-10-23T21:23:00.000-07:00

Yesterday night was one of the most miserable nights I have ever had. This came as a surprise ‘coz the day started well enough and I was all set and delighted to go see the school football match. The gam by itself was fantastic… it was so electrifying that I forgot completely about the cold and fever which had me enslaved to them since last two days. I danced, shouted myself hoarse and surprisingly even followed the match. I had thankfully checked on the rules before setting forth and I think I may just turn into an American football fan!!

Well, you can imagine that after such a great evening I would be all in highest of spirits… but alas that was not to be. As soon as I entered my apartment…. I started feeling hot and cold at the same time and by the time my temperature had also gotten high. My voice was a croak (I think this may be ‘coz of the screaming I did in the football stadium). But anywaz… I tried reading a book but my eyes were filling up, and I had no energy left to make myself a meal. No one was at home and I was shit hungry… All the “order by phone and we deliver” services were not operating ‘coz of game. Gosh! I gave in to tears!! It was ages since I had cried so much. I was feeling so low, I wanted to go home and my cell phone wouldn’t even work. I tried calling one of my close friends. He stays near by … but well the phone just wouldn’t work. I just wanted a familiar face… I was at the moment feeling lonely (my BF is in India right now)… And all that just made me HOWL …… I cried myself to sleep and here I am today feeling much better and all set to face the world tomorrow.

The point of this whole story is how come when we need the most the things don’t actually go our way? Don’t you feel at times that the whole world is against you and god doesn’t love you anymore? Don’t you feel that “I wish I were dead and gone.. atleast then I would know that I was cherished?? I know whenever I feel down or miserable I am all but asking god to take me with her …. I feel I want to die and be in peace.

I have some really good friends here in US and back at home in India as well (Yeah! I am lucky as far as friends are concerned) and I have a gr8 family and a wonderful BF….. I couldn’t ask for more…. But here I was at the first stroke of misery wanting to die, pitying myself and weeping all over. We humans give in so easily to misery don’t we all? I bet we all love pitying about ourselves once in a while!!

Well, now that I am fine and doing good .. I realize how lame I was yesterday!! Gosh!! People are scared of death and yesterday I was thinking that death was perhaps the most beautiful thing of all. I was feeling that death brings with it peace unknown and it is the ultimate release from all this “maya” surrounding us!! I sound like a philosopher but hey I did think about all these things and more. But now I realize though I am not really scared of dying (atleast I think so) I think I would appreciate the true meaning of death and the beauty/ dread of it only after I have experienced my life. I want to experience all the things which I have dreamt of …. Live my life with him… be my own person…. Discover myself….. well,.. I have to indeed live my life ahead a lot ….I believe in life after death (and this has nothing to do with me being a Hindu) I just believe that when we have life here mabbe we can have life in some other plane too (mabbe I can have a different blog about all this sometime) …

Well, so here I am back into action and all set to never be miserable again. I know when I feel miserable I just have to sit back and count my blessings and I will be back on track again!! I also know now that today may be miserable but tomorrow will certainly be better!! Wat say u?

Born into brothels: Children of sex workers

2005-10-22T14:38:00.000-07:00

Here I am back again to blogging and this time with vengeance. I have always prided myself for starting things and ending it right too. I have always stuck on to what I have started. And after a long time I realized with a startle that I was slipping. Yeah! Slipping into “I have much better things to do in life than this” mode. So I finally decided to shake this slumber off and get back into sharing about stuff I believe in and things I want to do something about.
Speaking of which I saw this amazing movie “Born in brothels” . This was a movie about the kids born to brothel house and their struggle with normality. While I watched it I sat back and wondered how lucky we all have been. I have never known a struggle to lead a normal life; people have never condemned me for what I was born into. Oh! I love whining about my circumstances once in a while (which human doesn’t?) but well, frankly I have never had a day when I have sat and wondered “Oh! I have no future at all”.
One thing which struck me outright was about the movie was the struggle to find a boarding school which would take these children in. Gosh! Calcutta where so many NGOs find home could not furnish these children with a place to stay and study in then I can just begin to imagine the state of other states in India. I am not condemning the work of these NGOs … rather I say Bravo for various things they have done and I know there must be a huge effort to make world more livable for all the underprivileged. We have so many NGOs working towards various issues. Do we have any at all dedicated to providing better opportunities to the children of sex workers?
Well, I decided to find out. I googled, I send a mail to quite a few NGOs (Sabera (the only foundation that took the children in the documentary) Asha foundation, AID India etc etc) and I am waiting for replies. Meanwhile, I know I want to help and I know I want to be specific in my help. I want to help these children who for no fault of there’s, due to a twist of fate are born into an environment which they want to escape but cannot. Can’t these children also be given a chance at better future? We who call ourselves educated, whom god has been generous enough to give no troubles of that type…can we do something for these souls? I hope I can, right now I may be sounding idealistic to a few and foolish to some others but I really do want to help them.
When I was a small child I was taught “That children are the future of this country”. Then isn’t the plight of these children also something which reflects what the future of India will be? There must be something which we can do sitting here far away from home. It may be monetary but it may be some kinda help anywaz . I am hoping some of you reading this may be able to help me find an NGO or an organization … mabbe a boarding school kind of thing which is dedicated towards the betterment of these children who know not where to turn. Please help me find a way to help them, tell me if any of you are involved with something which can help them.

Blog...is it serious writing?

2005-09-18T19:40:00.000-07:00

One of my closest friends chooses to call my blog "A relationship blog" and of course takes a great pleasure in pointing out the "grammatical" mistakes in them. Well, according to him blog is serious piece of writing which needs more thought process and lot more serious churning out of thoughts. And I would hate to say anything against his opinions (well, u see friends argue but in the end don’t disagree in public n’ he is one of my closest buddies) but I just can’t seem reach a common census with him on this. I have to admit I did get started on this “blogging” idea by reading his blogs but seems like I have an entirely different view about writing than him. I would rather write about stuff which I believe in and which I feel like talking about, things close to my heart than write about say “President Bush promising to rebuild New Orleans” or “Federer winning the US opens” etc. I know a lot of you may disagree on this point of mine but hey I think the newspapers are doing a good enough job of conveying the news to us. I think I would rather read a blog which says why he/she thinks (or doesn’t think) that Bush is a racist and why he/she thinks Federer plays like he does. The bottom line is giving your opinion about things that matter to you or that occupies your thoughts at the moment. After all isn’t a blog defined as “AN ONLINE JOURNAL”? I hence protest at labeling any blog space as “current affairs” or “crappy” or “relationship” blog!! (unless of course the person mentions that it is so) I simply hate to think a about what I wanna write in my blog space. I prefer it being a spontaneous outflow of emotions.. I would rather have my blog be called as “personal” than be called “a relationship” blog ‘coz that’s what it is!! I write my blog for myself not for anyone else. Of course I do appreciate others opinions….it helps me analyze things better and look at things from different perspective. I admit having a big fault in me ..I don’t always agree n’ hear with what others say but hey u know what blogging has made me to think about other’s view too!!!

As far as grammatical errors are concerned....well, I am not a great writer.. heck! I don’t even consider myself a good writer. I just write as I think and mabbe I think of sentences which tons of errors but hey who gives a heck. I would rather write the way I speak (in colloquial terms which I use) than write in “Microsoft word”, conduct a spell check and re-read what I have written to check for errors …. when I do that I feel like I am writing a technical write-up or a report, n’ for me that just takes away the pleasure of writing. It steals the soul of an article or a write up and makes it just another piece of work. I write ‘coz I love writing and not ‘coz I have to write. I may never be labeled a good writer or a grammatically precise one but I will at least always have the satisfaction of having written things which come out as an honest reflection of things which I believe in. And I hope a time will come when I do become a person who can write stuff “readable, enjoyable and believable”. I write blog ‘coz I wanna know if there are other people out there who think like I do and also of those who don’t. I want to broaden my horizon and reach out to see how others think, analyze and write. In doing so I hope to become a better …… well everything (who knows in the process I may even improve my grammatical skills).

On contrary to what this article suggests I am open to criticism, I will agree when I am wrong. But in this case I don't think being perfect and precise is important! I think what is more important is ability to put thoughts in a manner which says to the reader what it was actually was meant to!!So herez an open question to all…. Do u think a blog has to be precise and accurate or do u think like I do? ??? I would love to hear your say on this... with or without grammatical errors :).

What does USA make??

2005-09-15T10:05:00.000-07:00

A few weeks earlier I ordered an item worth 10 dollars off the net and after I had ordered I would go back home eagerly hoping to find the package snugly waiting for me. But alas! It took itz own sweet time arriving and I assumed (rather logically I think) that this delay was due to the onslaught of our now famous hurricane “Katrina” in and around the area of my residence. Finally yesterday when I had all but assumed the package to be lost somewhere in transition I got it (Hurray!!) but along with the package also came the realization that the reason for this delay of over a month may not lay entirely with madam Katrina. Would u believe it when I say that an item worth just 10 dollars was shipped all the way from Malaysia? My roommate who received the package was all but dying of curiosity to know what I had received from of all the far off places in world “Malaysia.”. Imagine her contrite when she realized it was just a simple “non-exotic” everyday life thing!!

Well, this suddenly inspired me to look at everything I had bought ever since I came to US of A (of course in this 20% was due to pure inspiration and the rest was due to sheer joblessness on my part) And this put forth a surprising discovery. Amongst the things which I had amassed here in past 2 years not a single …lemme reemphasize not a single tinne-winne thing was “MADE IN USA”. Most of the stuff was invariably made in China (no surprises there), and almost of my dresses were either made in Mexico or hold your breath ......“Vietnam”. My favorite skirt (one of my first Gap purchases) sported the proud label of “made in India” (my sweet country) and all my shoes have the label “Made in Taiwan”

But hey I am not here to give you an list of all things I owe rather I just wanted to share something which I have been thinking ever since “is anything made in US of A at all??” and also “why does US find it cheaper to export these things rather than make it here?” . To satisfy this curiosity I dug deeper and found to my surprise that most of these countries which exported to US had one thing common amongst them. All of them have developing private or non-state sector, there is marked price liberalization in their domestic market, and there is relaxation of government control and central planning, privatization of state-owned enterprises, and development of the legal framework for private business. Plus the biggest advantage of all “low price labor”. Indeed I had finally understood the meaning of the word “Globalization” and understood how these countries could make a profit by shipping even things worth just 10 bucks all the way to US. But, I am still trying to get a grip on understanding how the US economy and its people benefit from this “globalization” ‘coz as I see it from a layman’s perspective it seems like a lot of industry right here in US of A may have its sales effected and a lot of jobs lost if this trend of “market liberalization” continues to paw more and more fields. I am sure as I read more I may feel like a fool for not understanding the long term “benefits” of importing….well almost everything from another country meanwhile all help on this topic will be appreciated and hey I really would love to know “What does US make?”

Dear Anonymous,

2005-09-13T11:23:00.000-07:00

Your comment yesterday about my post and in particular the line in it “"But the biggest fear which eats me daily is the fear of falling short of the expectations of one person I really love” set me thinking. Frankly I have never ever analyzed it from “phobophilia” or “the love of fear” perspective and I should say it had me foxed for a moment as the term by itself was really new. And to answer your question – I am not obsessed with this fear and nor do I think about it much. Yeah! Sometimes when in a weak moment (who doesn’t have one) it does crop up and I feel a little apprehensive about the future in general. I won’t say that I manage to shove all the fears off, but I do try to look at it from a “letz see what happens and hey! Itz gonna be good for sure” angle. Oh! I do worry, I won’t deny that but my worries are not the center of my universe. Thankfully I usually have a lotz of things which make worrying all the time a rather difficult thing to do!!

And about the fear of failing HIM, well u bet I have discussed this with him and I also know deep down that it has no foundation and I know that I will be eventually look back and laugh at my well….for the lack of a better word -paranoia. I guess the reason why I think so much is just ‘coz it is all so new to me and I am just trying to find my feet here. Of course, I know we (he & I) will have our downs but more than those I know we will have “ups” and what I feel for him, I see in him is worth …well everything. This fear has just made me look at what I am more closely and thank god for all that she (yeah! I think of god in feminine terms) has given me. I have to admit that these last few months have been one of the best in my life so far which by itself says a lot as I have had the most cherished childhood and amazing friends. This has made me only appreciate better what I have always had and count my blessings even more. I have my share of pondering about stuff but hey! I am like any other person who thinks about things at times and then learns to deal with it.

As far as “phobophilia” I think you would be the best judge for that.

Adios -
Aparna
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Plz: For those curious about the comment herez how it went:

"But the biggest fear which eats me daily is the fear of falling short of the expectations of one person I really love." -- This fear is something that you would love - is it? can someone love their fear? i guess in this case it could be true (phobophilia as it is called is not anything that i came up with right now). Or is it this fear that makes you better and better of a person day by day - let me know on this aspect. This leaves the question on how better are you getting - just to HIM or to all around you?Also, what changes - natural and unnatural (by that it means anything that you consciously put effort for and anything that is spontaneous) - have got rooted up in you due to this fear?Have you expressed this fear of yours to him at any point of time? Well, the blog is public...yeah and that's the reason why i'm bloggggging!!!There is a lot more to blog on this, but the questionnaire has grown too big.

A few fears and dilemmas from my closet

2005-09-11T20:41:00.000-07:00

“FUTURE”… this one word holds so much power over all of us. Who hasn’t at some point in their lives wondered about what future holds for them? Being humans we spend most of our present worrying and thinking about our future. We always have and will nurture a fear for unknown, and what is a bigger unknown than one’s own future? I remember once having read a talk by C.F. Kettering and thinking how true he was about man’s fascination by future when he said "My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of my life there”. This of courses strikes a chord within me more now as I often catch myself thinking and pondering about how my future is going be. I have tried to stop this of course with rather unsuccessful attempts. I suppose all these thinking wheels are turning in this direction ‘coz the next few coming months are gonna bring with it a whole lot of changes!! I will not only be graduating from school (forever leaving the happy abode of student-hood) but also be making a transition from being a girl to a woman.

I worry about me getting a job which I like (I have alwaz been passionate about doing only things which I like to do)… of liking and enjoying my work. I would hate to make a compromise where my work is concerned (alwaz wanted to be good at what I do but I do loose track as everyone else...only more often), I have prided myself (mabbe falsely so at times) at doing what I have wanted to do, so when I think of the future I am frankly petrified.. I have never worked… and ‘coz of this fear I keep thinking –“Maybe I should go ahead and apply for PhD”. But I also know I will never do that ‘coz I can’t imagine doing something so huge without a real passion for it. Of course, I know I will eventually get a good job (I am sure I am smart enough to land up with one) but I just hope I get one which I enjoy as well. I know I worry about this un-necessarily but well who can have a hold on “Mr.Worry” who goes and comes as and when he wants!!!!

But the biggest fear which eats me daily is the fear of falling short of the expectations of one person I really love. We will be getting married sometime next year and it just scares me shitless. Having never been in a real relationship before this I have no idea how to deal with this constant fluttering in my heart and these constant highs and lows I experience. I feel like I am in an emotional roller coaster. In addition to this, every time I call up home I am asked about how I want my wedding to be, what I would want to buy, would I like to wear a saree or a lehenga (Indian dresses)…hope u get the flow. It is just driving me nuts. The Indian marriages are expensive and mine I guess will be no exception. You have a whole lot of rituals and truck load of dresses and jewelry involved. The marriage by itself is a costly affair with people whom you have never seen attending it (‘coz of course they are related to you in some far off manner). The guilt of making my parents spend so much is tearing me apart. I keep wishing I was working and that way I could share the burden. I know how much cash-crunch my parents will have to go through. I also know that every Indian parent goes through the same but I really don’t like the whole idea. Somewhere down the lane I have started to feel sad about the whole marriage thing. Make no mistake here… I love him too much and I know he is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. When I imagine myself 50 years from now I see a old lady with wrinkles running hither-thither but I also see by my side him, looking at me in the same way he looks at me now. I know marrying him is the right thing to do… ‘coz I feel it in my heart. But at the same time I wish I could just have a simple small wedding with a few people whom we care for... where I won’t have to wear gold jewelry (which I don’t even like) and smile my way through when my heart is heavy with the knowledge that my parents had to struggle to make it happen. I may be over-reacting perhaps (all Indian gals go through this kind of marriage) but in my heart it just aches more daily. Why??? I wish I was smart enough to sort these feelings by myself but I find myself unable to do so and I wish I could be brave enough to tell my parents that this is not what I would like. But I know in doing so I would hurt them deeply (‘coz parents being parents want to give me the best in everything and would just shrug off the costs) and hurting my parents has never been an option, I love them too deeply and too much to do anything which would make them feel sad. So all I can do now is to sit back and let the things go the way they are right now. I am ashamed that I am not brave enough to voice my feelings to the people I love the most in this world, but I just can’t bring myself to hurt them, itz better that I hurt myself than hurt anyone who matters to me !!!!

Love bites but indiscretion does more........

2005-09-09T06:58:00.000-07:00

Yesterday being Thursday - not much awaited Friday (Yippee finally it is Friday today) and thankfully not dreary Monday.... my roomies and I settled on seeing an age old Indian Hindi movie "Utsav". Directed by one of my favorite theatre personalities Girish Karnad (Oh! Most of his plays are amazing) I was all set to be entertained by this “very famous” movie. There is no doubt that the both actresses in this movie Rekha and Anuradha Patel looked absolutely “delicious”, stunningly so at times but what actually caught my attention towards the end was something entirely different. In the movie Rekha has a torrid affair with Anuradha’s husband and when Anuradha comes to know of this she not only accepts it (like a good ol’ Indian wife) but also welcomes Rekha with open hands. Of course she claimed to have many reasons for it, the most important one being that their (Anuradha’s n’ her hubby’s) sex life improved dramatically ever since that indiscretion.

Now this set me thinking…Could it be possible for a woman to accept the presence of another woman in her man’s life irrespective of the benefits it may hold? Of course I have heard of the argument that love and sex are two different things and I agree with it too. I do believe that you can have sex without love and I also know that physical attraction is an amazing force sometimes too strong and too easy to give in to. But I also believe that when you love a person you cannot bring yourself to betray him and from my “very-Indian” view point sleeping with someone else when you are in a relationship is equivalent to doing so. Yeah may be my outlook towards this topic may be a little clouded n’ outdated ‘coz I have been brought up in a society which looks at anything sexual before marriage as a “sin” and “taboo”. But irrespective of this having intimacy with any one else other than “him” just doesn’t feel right in my heart and soul and I suppose that when anyone betrays their soul all they are left after the excitement dies down is a gnawing feeling of guilt. I know I couldn’t n wouldn’t do it…..not only ‘coz of the guilt factor but also ‘coz I simply cannot think of anyone else in those terms (yeah! I am lovesick puppy).

Now coming back to the topic of accepting the other women…. I know loving “him” as I do…. I cannot tolerate the thought of him with anyone else. Gosh! I can’t believe I sound so possessive but what the heck when I am true he better be that too. And if in case he slips I know then he never loved me enough. I have no hang ups about him flirting with girls, appreciating the looks of any woman or going out with another woman once in while but I draw a line for anything beyond it. I know he loves me too much and I am secure in this love of his but even just supposing a hypothetical situation makes my blood boil!! And I really can’t see how any women would be able to forgive her man’s indiscretion and accept him back into her fold. I know it is often said that “To forgive is to truly love” but pardon me if I ask- “would a man do the same? Would he turn a blind eye to his woman’s slip? Would he??” and of course isn’t it true that trust once betrayed is almost impossible to build again? I know for me it is a scenario with only one end – “Heartbreak and an utter sense of betrayal and loss”… I cannot and will not ever tolerate anything like this however much I love the person, however much I hurt myself in the process. After a lotta thinking I think I can at least lay out a few main ingredients for a successful relationship and they are: love, trust, respect and integrity. And to say anything more would be sheer redundancy, hence for now at this point I rest my case and my thoughts.

Freud Theory

2005-09-08T09:29:00.000-07:00

Today long after that little cajoling from my dearest I decided the time had finally come for me to look up on the “Freudian” theory. Frankly I expected it to be one of those really YAWN theories floating around. But to my surprise once I started reading about it I haven’t been able to stop. What really fascinates me is Freud’s argument that there is a large part of the mind that can’t be consciously known; and it is this unconscious part of the mind has an impact on human behavior. Wow.. doesn’t that sound cool? Well, if u do think about it a lil’ more u would realize that it is in more ways than one true. I am sure that all of us have at some point taken unconscious decisions which directly reflect on us. What about our “Mr. Conscious” who decides to kick in at the oddest time possible? Wouldn’t all that signify a presence of the unconsciousness portion of our mind which plays a major role in defining what we are and how we act? Well, there have been arguments supporting and criticizing the theory but no one can deny that it was Freud’s theory at the turn of century which set basis for psychoanalysis. Of course I wouldn’t wanna comment anymore about it simply ‘coz I don’t really know enough (Though I intend to)!!. And before I continue in my quest to know more about it lemme give u some fodder for thought in Freud’s own words :
“"Look into the depths of your own soul and learn first to know yourself, then you will understand why this illness was bound to come upon you and perhaps you will thenceforth avoid falling ill."

lil' rambling about being a Veggie !!

2005-09-07T12:44:00.000-07:00

As soon as I decided to set sail for US of A I had people telling me how tough it would be for me culturally, how I may experience a culture shock (Blah! I had my first culture shock when I went back to bangalore for a hol this time) and how I was supposed to speak slowly 'coz "those Americans" can't catch on with our usual speed (am yet to find an evidence of that). But not one of those people ever warned me how it would be a big struggle to remain a "Veggie" here. In the land which is rumored to have everything one thing which is rather rare to come by is a good veggie meal. My first experience with the uniqueness of "Vegetarianism" was when I went to Mc Donald's on my first day and naively ordered a cheese burger not realizing that here any "burger" is usually a "Ham burger". Alas! That particular burger (worth 2 $ i.e. 2*43 rupees to a fresh desi ) went down into the bin and trust me I was ready to cry for wasting so much cash on something I never got to eat. Hmmm.... as time went by ... I started having a intense love affair with the potato wedges and ketchup. I would go to a pizza place and eat cheese or veggie sub and of course those fries. All the restaurants I went to I had my fav. food ('coz I could eat nothing else). But turning to a non-veg was never an option and before you draw conclusions it isn't 'coz my religion forbids it (which it doesn't) itz just 'coz I am against killing animals to eat. I just happen to choose the way of vegetarian living out of choice and it has never been possible for me to go against what I feel very strongly about!
And after a lotta fumbling and grumbling about "how hard it is to be a Veggie here" I finally learned to ask for substituting those chicken with onions and bell peppers. And that my dear friends has opened a whole new world of eat-outs for me.... I now can go any place and know that I can have something other than those (now dreaded) potato wedges and eat those exotic sounding dishes (with subtlle changes in recipe's of course). Yum...... I am now ready and armed with a full stomach to face the world.
Thats all i have to say ...but as an ending line ..lemme add a note to all those people out there who smirk at Veggies ....Think of how much will power and perseverance it requires to remain one... and then u will know why "vegetarian life" is claimed to be the best kinda life by a rare few!

Being dark skinned Indian

2005-09-06T10:28:00.000-07:00

A few weeks back while doing random "google-ing" I came across this website of Dove (yeah the soap makers) called the campaign for real beauty. Curious to know how they defined "real beauty" I ventured into the site half expecting it be yet another promotion of the "Dove" product . But, I was in for a surprise! Though the campaign is infact an Ad... It does explore and try to redefine the word "real beauty". The campaign talks about how any women is beautiful and how beauty comes with acceptance. They deviate from the standard definition of a prefect figure 36-26-36 and talk about how the being normal is beautiful. How there is beauty in everyone, itz just that we have to look more closely to discover it.
Reading about the standards set by the society abt beauty lead me to think a couple of things which I hadn't thought for a long time now.... Going down the memory lane..I still remember the time when I was younger and mocked for being darker than most of the Indian gals. I remember coming back home and crying ( I would never cry in school ..u c I had too much pride to let them know they got me) wanting never to go back to school. I hated school and I couldn't understand why those people could never c that I was smarter than most, that I had a height which some would die for and my features if not pretty were not repelling to the eye. I would stand in front of the mirror and wonder why I couldn't have looked better, why I couldn't have been fair. But, as I grew up thanks to my mom I learned to accept myself as I am and know that I am good looking by my own rights! But, well some invisible scars still remain. I still have a problem accepting compliments about my looks and I still manage to find a million flaws in me physically (driving my BF crazy with a discussion abt the same). And whenever I go back home to India the feelings seem to seep right back in. The last time I went I was asked by a few people to get married fast 'coz being dark would probably pose a big problem. Infact my own uncle told me -"Good ur smart and educated so even with your complexion u will have a good chance". Blah! Who wants to get married to a person who is so hell bent on the outer looks? Also, I know of a few gals who are darker than me, but ...Wow...They are amazingly hot.
Why is that most of the Indian guys alwaz want a great looking gal with an amazing figure when they themselves have nothing to write home about? Why is the society so hell bent on defining the looks as good or bad? When will we realize that every person is beautiful and all you need to do is to know the person for the person? When will the women really be liberated from the limiting standards of beauty and sexiness?? Hopefully there will come some day when the man will be truly liberated from the confines of the closed mind and recognize the beauty in true sense.

Hmm... A lil' about "Potter"

2005-09-05T13:41:00.000-07:00

I know this may not be in the current affairs.. But I just spent a few hours in my long weekend watching all 3 "Harry Potter" movies.. infact just got off seeing the last one. Now that I have read all the "Potter" books and seen all the movies I couldn't help but draw some parallels between them and now the very famous Tolkien's "Lord of the Rings". Would it be wrong to say that there is a great bit of similarity between the "dead eaters, nazuoll " n' "dementors"? And what about "house elves" n' "gollum" both potrayed as small pitiable things speaking in third person. Infact when you think of it even "Sauron" and "Voldermont" seem to have undeniable similarity of being the "dark lord" who want their shape back. I am sure there are many more such ones but it is not my intention to degrade Ms.Rowling's writing.
On contrary I think she is absolutely brilliant in her writing and creativity making of us "muggles" (including me) await the seventh book. Nevertheless I refuse to give her full points for originality and I would say some of it is inspired. Of course, I do know there is constant debate about who is better Rowling or Tolkein? Well, personally I think both are a class by themselves. But given a choice I would anyday be partial to Tolkein not only 'coz he was the first with such a fascinating idea of "other world" but also, 'coz his imagination and skills are so phenomenal that it could inspire anyone ..Including (perhaps unintentionally so) "Rowling". Well, the we can debate about it and everyone is entitled to have an opinion, but, I truly think that to a person who has read both the works it would be very evident who is the master and who the student.
Meanwhile as the world debates abt it ..... I would just like to be "Hermonie" the gustiest witch with a whole lotta attitude and looks..... :)

Ahem! Ahem! My first attempt at a Blog

2005-09-05T10:06:00.000-07:00

Surprisingly it was only very recently that I read my first Blog and the idea immediately appealed to me. Ever since I remember I have had an incredible urge to analyze stuff more deeply than usual..But hey before u start drawing conclusions I plead sanity...Anyways blogging just held the right kind of appeal to me and here I am typing in my first blog.
Now making a blog seems easy, but it took me whole 10 mins to actually think of a name for my blog spot and u have to admit that's a long time.. Yeah "kabhi here kabhi there" seems so apt to define a place where I would write my thoughts and opinions 'coz life as someone dear tol' me yesterday "is not alwaz black or white..." And that's what this blog is all about..itz neither here nor there... itz just somewhere ard trying to formulate into something more meaningful, more concrete.. Something which allows me to reach out to other similar minds.. And expand my horizons...An attempt to knowing myself and others..
And that my frnds is enough food for thought and lemme rest this at this note..adios amingos.....

Plz.... as a ending note I acknowledge 2 people who originally inspried me to start writing the blog.... my close frnd.. Kanishk n' my roomie... Sirisha....:)