Kindle: A love Story

Yes! I admit it.. I am a kindle lover!!! 

And  this was no easy transition… A vivid reader, I have always felt the need to hold, smell and turn those pages.. Initially I could not wrap my brain around having a electronic format of book .. it seemed just too weird not to turn the page .. or to be able to jump ahead, read a few lines and jump back to recall something..

And then Kindle happened!! A gift from my husband, I threaded cautiously.. I felt the weight of the reader, I downloaded a few books from Amazon and I just gave it a try… And much to my surprise, I actually found myself liking whole experience!! I could easily hold the reader with one hand, slip it into my purse/laptop bag without adding extra weight, could read without my eyes getting tired…..  Soon  I found myself reading all the time.. while feeding the baby, in restroom .. while sitting in passenger end of the car, while flyin.. oh yeah I was hooked…..

Oh yeah Kindle is my current fav. Electronic gadget (yeah even after having it for nearly 2 years now) …. And my dearest travel companion!! Love Love Love  Kindle!

Another attempt at penning the thoughts.. I still write .........

I still write.. but mostly in my mind. There are times when I do open my laptop and decide to write those thoughts down, but before I can do that…….. I drift away to the yonder land of work or chat. Sometimes I almost wish I had that tape-recorder where I could record my thoughts to just pen them later on. I let my vanity at times dwell on those lines and imagine that “if only I had that” I would have made a great writer. Perhaps give a few authors run for the money ;).

Well, ambition is always been one of my greater vices.. I still haven’t done anything worthwhile, yet I would like to. I would like to someday be known well in the circles I work in, known as “ahh the smart gal”…. but mostly someone who is likable but yet successful. Can that every happen?? I dream a lot, and more often than not those dreams drive me and make me what I am perhaps.

This of course doesn’t mean that I don’t currently enjoy my life.. I do actually. I just switched jobs and at the moment I really like what I am doing….. I still am in love with the person I married, even though I burst into tears without reason and am the howler of the century ……….I think I am lucky to have him in my life. I do miss my home in India but hey looks like I have a home here as well now… yes life has been good to me (touchwood) and I am enjoying living it.

Perhaps in this contentment lies in my lethargy of writing on record.. perhaps I may get over it and finally start blogging regularly……………??

Thoughts..constant companion of mine!

I have this weird connection with my brain cells-I think too much. I am constantly thinking about something, even when I am quietest or the loudest I am having this constant conversation with my mind.

For this reason alone I find it difficult to comprehend how some of my friends (especially guys) claim to have those moments of “blankness” when the mind is like a blank canvas. Often when asked the question “So, what are you thinking?” people tend to say “Nothing”. But I think that is gross understatement of facts.

To me my brain is the most unaccountable machinery. The data it processes can range from trivial, crude, stumbling meanderings to the computationally impressive to the occasional creative and inspirational insights. It is a scientifically proven fact that a person’s brain is active all the time, waking and sleeping, producing and shifting between what scientists call “distinct brain wave forms”.

So with such an active brain such as ours it just cannot be possible to have a moment of nothingness.

Thoughts come unbridled always buzzing, humming, soaring, roaring, diving, and then buried in mud. If nothing else I find myself wondering why?

Sometimes I wish I could stop that “lil’ voice” , sometimes I wish I could have those moments of blankness within myself...I want to experience it.! May be that is what people call having peace?? ……. Hmmmmm, That’s something new to think about now!

A tryst with sking

Have you ever felt your bones aching and your muscles (if any) protesting? Today I feel every square inch of my body and oh boy it hurts.

My tryst with Skiing didn’t go down well either with my body or me. I have just one word to describe my skiing skill “Sucks”. For the life of me I could not Ski on my feet. The only skiing (you can also call it sliding) I did was on my poor lil’ butt. Considering the fact that God has not been very generous for this particular part, I was afraid I would wear it down further by sliding again and again on the ice.

Boy oh boy, I was a spectacle to see, the only one in the “beginners class” not to begin at all, Try as I may I could not Ski an inch. I felt like a bugs bunny (a rather unstable one) with my Skis, trying to wade my way through the white stuff called “snow”!

At the end of it all, I threw my beautiful “bright orange” color cap on ground, took the Ski off my iced boots and sat down at a corner gazing longing at those beginner's slope which I could not conquer.

Sigh! I saw a friend of mine (who was also doing this for the first time) Ski on the damned slope so smoothly. I could just sit and stare and think “ahh is there any ice sport which I can do well?” .

I may try this once more again though, I like to think that perhaps its not me- it was one of those unlucky days. But I sure hope second time around will be a charm (like it was with ice-skating for me). May be” try, try, try again” works, if it doesn’t…well I am switching over to snow tubing (hopefully that stops when it supposed to!) ……………..

Florida trip!

Sunny days, parties, drinking, open sea and amazing time- for me all of them will forever remind me of Florida. Yeah, yeah I admit I did have a great time. All my fears, all my worries were rather unfounded and to my surprise I never did think even once about “I hope they think he is lucky”. I forgot everything and just basked in his company.

Oh yeah u betcha I had fun. A rental near the beach was helpful distraction. I am totally burnt, and the tan may take forever to go away (BTW I don’t like having a tan). But I had a great time and I also realized I am a very beach person!! Leave me in water and I could be there for ages. Of course having a hubby who piggy-backs me and tries to catch my legs in water is a great accessory to have in sea. Oh what I would not give to have a ocean view house!!

We went to Universal studios (The Disney world unfortunately was voted by all the guys to be too girlie). But I enjoyed that as well. My favorite was of course Shrek 4D show. I love the movie (both the parts) and have seen them innumerable times. So when I took snaps with the Donkey I was absolutely thrilled to bits. (Oh! I know itz kiddish but what the heck… I enjoy being kid sometimes)

This weekend has US opens on our schedule and we will be off seeing the semi-finals live with a couple of friends. And I just can’t wait for thrusday…my best friend in the whole world is coming for a visit and I am all set to act like a NYC guide (Groan once more.. but for her anything).

Looking forward to more fun …. But have to start looking for a job soon (A big thing on my “TO DO” list) …. More later…………………..

Party at Chinese friend's... and consequences

Yesterday we had a dinner party at a Chinese friend of mine. Frankly I was reluctant about eating Chinese food especially since I know that their vegetarian menu is literally non-existent. But whoa! The sight which greeted us at her house was not only scrumptious to look at but smelled good as well. So I decided to lay my prejudice aside and go ahead and eat the whole array of food placed decoratively and rather irresistibly in front of me. And the food tasted as good as it looked and the expectant look on this friend of mine for comments is rather hard to resist. You have to but like her as a person and yesterday I had to admit to myself she was a good cook too. Groan! All my friends are great cooks…. Everyone except me………..my cooking is more temperamental, sometimes great to eat and sometimes just manageable. Well, getting back to the Chinese friend’s party you should have seen the delight on her face when we said her food was good. I wouldn’t mind having Chinese food, alas! if only Chinese restaurants were as considerate of the veggies like me.
Hmm… looking back at the party the amusing thing was perhaps that as soon as we reached, my dear pal came out with all her make up kit. And looking at her I would have frankly never guessed that she actually uses any make up at all. And the whole thing was amusing ‘coz we had 2 guys sitting next to us and the look on their face when our pal came out with her cosmetics was priceless. The guys were looked so stunned and after the surprise wore off there came a resigned look which said “crazy girls”. Anywaz looking at her range of cosmetics and also at the range of ones used by my dear roommates I feel rather like a village belle. I still have no idea how to put a foundation or an eye shadow. When I need to dress up, I faithfully use my sun screen lotion n’ eyeliner, lipstick is almost my skin color (I just feel conscious to put on more fancier shades) and that’s about it. I think now that I am 24 and a grown woman (wow! That sounds quite old) I ought to do something about my ignorant ways. Mabbe spruce up myself more to look groomed, I am seriously thinking of going and getting a makeup kit suggested by one of those ladies at Dillards. But being a lazy bone I am sure even then I would just consider it a too much of an effort and well, just let that costly lil’ make up kit waste away. But since something’s are worth a try anywaz I may just go ahead and indulge myself this once and hopefully the results are worth a watch ;)…..

BTW.... I really find thinking of heading and ending of a written work more tiresome than anything else ....so bear with them :)

ahh.. woes of letting go a person

Well…….meeting and parting they say is a part of life. Then why is meeting someone, being friends with that someone so easy while letting the person go so difficult? Within a span of 5 months I have my 2 gr8 pals leaving and going towards better tidings. The second one is to leave this Saturday and as the day draws nearer I find myself trying to sort my feelings and feel glad that she is moving to a better place with the one she loves. But ahh! My selfish self I find it harder and harder to do so. The fact that I see her everyday and won’t be doing so anymore makes my heart feel heavier. Mabbe itz best if you associate with people but don’t really become so emotionally attached to them. When I was younger my dad always called me “A sentimental fool” n’ I have to admit that things have hardly changed in that aspect. I have alwaz and I think will alwaz be at extremes, I am either too distant or too attached with a person. I am yet to learn how to do things midway.

For me talking has never been a problem. I can speak to a dozen of people at sixes and seven and yet maintain distance well enough. I had even been blamed by one of my ex-room-mates about being “incapable of caring”, well, frankly I didn’t think she was worth it and I give a damn about her opinion about me. But that goes on to show how much at extremes I can be. Also coming here and staying at this place has been a rather revelation about myself to me. At home, I have always been the apple of eye with all my relatives. I sincerely thought I wasn’t so bad at keeping up relationships. But here I realize that I just can’t be good at all at times, I am growly, moody, impatient and whole lotta other things. I wish I could be a better person. I try to be, I try to change but somethings just keep refusing to go…...like a bad coin.

Oops! Looks like I am drifting from the topic again. Well, coming back to the topic I originally meant to write about I am trying to be really happy for my dear friend. I know she has wanted to go from here for a long time and she deserves no less. But I can’t seem to hold back this feeling of selfishness which wishes for her to stay back just a lil’ longer. I am as usual feeling guilty of this terrible selfish attitude of mine but itz just that she seems to have almost become a family. When you are away from home itz friends who become family and all said and done distance does make a difference. I am sure we will be in touch etc etc ………. But things r bound to change …. Afterall isn’t that wat life is all about? As I struggle coming to terms with my selfishness and sadness at her going away .. I try to recognize and reconcile myself to accepting the hard facts of life………..life flies now and will always do so…..

Born into brothels: Children of sex workers

Here I am back again to blogging and this time with vengeance. I have always prided myself for starting things and ending it right too. I have always stuck on to what I have started. And after a long time I realized with a startle that I was slipping. Yeah! Slipping into “I have much better things to do in life than this” mode. So I finally decided to shake this slumber off and get back into sharing about stuff I believe in and things I want to do something about.
Speaking of which I saw this amazing movie “Born in brothels” . This was a movie about the kids born to brothel house and their struggle with normality. While I watched it I sat back and wondered how lucky we all have been. I have never known a struggle to lead a normal life; people have never condemned me for what I was born into. Oh! I love whining about my circumstances once in a while (which human doesn’t?) but well, frankly I have never had a day when I have sat and wondered “Oh! I have no future at all”.
One thing which struck me outright was about the movie was the struggle to find a boarding school which would take these children in. Gosh! Calcutta where so many NGOs find home could not furnish these children with a place to stay and study in then I can just begin to imagine the state of other states in India. I am not condemning the work of these NGOs … rather I say Bravo for various things they have done and I know there must be a huge effort to make world more livable for all the underprivileged. We have so many NGOs working towards various issues. Do we have any at all dedicated to providing better opportunities to the children of sex workers?
Well, I decided to find out. I googled, I send a mail to quite a few NGOs (Sabera (the only foundation that took the children in the documentary) Asha foundation, AID India etc etc) and I am waiting for replies. Meanwhile, I know I want to help and I know I want to be specific in my help. I want to help these children who for no fault of there’s, due to a twist of fate are born into an environment which they want to escape but cannot. Can’t these children also be given a chance at better future? We who call ourselves educated, whom god has been generous enough to give no troubles of that type…can we do something for these souls? I hope I can, right now I may be sounding idealistic to a few and foolish to some others but I really do want to help them.
When I was a small child I was taught “That children are the future of this country”. Then isn’t the plight of these children also something which reflects what the future of India will be? There must be something which we can do sitting here far away from home. It may be monetary but it may be some kinda help anywaz . I am hoping some of you reading this may be able to help me find an NGO or an organization … mabbe a boarding school kind of thing which is dedicated towards the betterment of these children who know not where to turn. Please help me find a way to help them, tell me if any of you are involved with something which can help them.

A few fears and dilemmas from my closet

“FUTURE”… this one word holds so much power over all of us. Who hasn’t at some point in their lives wondered about what future holds for them? Being humans we spend most of our present worrying and thinking about our future. We always have and will nurture a fear for unknown, and what is a bigger unknown than one’s own future? I remember once having read a talk by C.F. Kettering and thinking how true he was about man’s fascination by future when he said "My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of my life there”. This of courses strikes a chord within me more now as I often catch myself thinking and pondering about how my future is going be. I have tried to stop this of course with rather unsuccessful attempts. I suppose all these thinking wheels are turning in this direction ‘coz the next few coming months are gonna bring with it a whole lot of changes!! I will not only be graduating from school (forever leaving the happy abode of student-hood) but also be making a transition from being a girl to a woman.

I worry about me getting a job which I like (I have alwaz been passionate about doing only things which I like to do)… of liking and enjoying my work. I would hate to make a compromise where my work is concerned (alwaz wanted to be good at what I do but I do loose track as everyone else...only more often), I have prided myself (mabbe falsely so at times) at doing what I have wanted to do, so when I think of the future I am frankly petrified.. I have never worked… and ‘coz of this fear I keep thinking –“Maybe I should go ahead and apply for PhD”. But I also know I will never do that ‘coz I can’t imagine doing something so huge without a real passion for it. Of course, I know I will eventually get a good job (I am sure I am smart enough to land up with one) but I just hope I get one which I enjoy as well. I know I worry about this un-necessarily but well who can have a hold on “Mr.Worry” who goes and comes as and when he wants!!!!

But the biggest fear which eats me daily is the fear of falling short of the expectations of one person I really love. We will be getting married sometime next year and it just scares me shitless. Having never been in a real relationship before this I have no idea how to deal with this constant fluttering in my heart and these constant highs and lows I experience. I feel like I am in an emotional roller coaster. In addition to this, every time I call up home I am asked about how I want my wedding to be, what I would want to buy, would I like to wear a saree or a lehenga (Indian dresses)…hope u get the flow. It is just driving me nuts. The Indian marriages are expensive and mine I guess will be no exception. You have a whole lot of rituals and truck load of dresses and jewelry involved. The marriage by itself is a costly affair with people whom you have never seen attending it (‘coz of course they are related to you in some far off manner). The guilt of making my parents spend so much is tearing me apart. I keep wishing I was working and that way I could share the burden. I know how much cash-crunch my parents will have to go through. I also know that every Indian parent goes through the same but I really don’t like the whole idea. Somewhere down the lane I have started to feel sad about the whole marriage thing. Make no mistake here… I love him too much and I know he is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. When I imagine myself 50 years from now I see a old lady with wrinkles running hither-thither but I also see by my side him, looking at me in the same way he looks at me now. I know marrying him is the right thing to do… ‘coz I feel it in my heart. But at the same time I wish I could just have a simple small wedding with a few people whom we care for... where I won’t have to wear gold jewelry (which I don’t even like) and smile my way through when my heart is heavy with the knowledge that my parents had to struggle to make it happen. I may be over-reacting perhaps (all Indian gals go through this kind of marriage) but in my heart it just aches more daily. Why??? I wish I was smart enough to sort these feelings by myself but I find myself unable to do so and I wish I could be brave enough to tell my parents that this is not what I would like. But I know in doing so I would hurt them deeply (‘coz parents being parents want to give me the best in everything and would just shrug off the costs) and hurting my parents has never been an option, I love them too deeply and too much to do anything which would make them feel sad. So all I can do now is to sit back and let the things go the way they are right now. I am ashamed that I am not brave enough to voice my feelings to the people I love the most in this world, but I just can’t bring myself to hurt them, itz better that I hurt myself than hurt anyone who matters to me !!!!

Love bites but indiscretion does more........

Yesterday being Thursday - not much awaited Friday (Yippee finally it is Friday today) and thankfully not dreary Monday.... my roomies and I settled on seeing an age old Indian Hindi movie "Utsav". Directed by one of my favorite theatre personalities Girish Karnad (Oh! Most of his plays are amazing) I was all set to be entertained by this “very famous” movie. There is no doubt that the both actresses in this movie Rekha and Anuradha Patel looked absolutely “delicious”, stunningly so at times but what actually caught my attention towards the end was something entirely different. In the movie Rekha has a torrid affair with Anuradha’s husband and when Anuradha comes to know of this she not only accepts it (like a good ol’ Indian wife) but also welcomes Rekha with open hands. Of course she claimed to have many reasons for it, the most important one being that their (Anuradha’s n’ her hubby’s) sex life improved dramatically ever since that indiscretion.

Now this set me thinking…Could it be possible for a woman to accept the presence of another woman in her man’s life irrespective of the benefits it may hold? Of course I have heard of the argument that love and sex are two different things and I agree with it too. I do believe that you can have sex without love and I also know that physical attraction is an amazing force sometimes too strong and too easy to give in to. But I also believe that when you love a person you cannot bring yourself to betray him and from my “very-Indian” view point sleeping with someone else when you are in a relationship is equivalent to doing so. Yeah may be my outlook towards this topic may be a little clouded n’ outdated ‘coz I have been brought up in a society which looks at anything sexual before marriage as a “sin” and “taboo”. But irrespective of this having intimacy with any one else other than “him” just doesn’t feel right in my heart and soul and I suppose that when anyone betrays their soul all they are left after the excitement dies down is a gnawing feeling of guilt. I know I couldn’t n wouldn’t do it…..not only ‘coz of the guilt factor but also ‘coz I simply cannot think of anyone else in those terms (yeah! I am lovesick puppy).

Now coming back to the topic of accepting the other women…. I know loving “him” as I do…. I cannot tolerate the thought of him with anyone else. Gosh! I can’t believe I sound so possessive but what the heck when I am true he better be that too. And if in case he slips I know then he never loved me enough. I have no hang ups about him flirting with girls, appreciating the looks of any woman or going out with another woman once in while but I draw a line for anything beyond it. I know he loves me too much and I am secure in this love of his but even just supposing a hypothetical situation makes my blood boil!! And I really can’t see how any women would be able to forgive her man’s indiscretion and accept him back into her fold. I know it is often said that “To forgive is to truly love” but pardon me if I ask- “would a man do the same? Would he turn a blind eye to his woman’s slip? Would he??” and of course isn’t it true that trust once betrayed is almost impossible to build again? I know for me it is a scenario with only one end – “Heartbreak and an utter sense of betrayal and loss”… I cannot and will not ever tolerate anything like this however much I love the person, however much I hurt myself in the process. After a lotta thinking I think I can at least lay out a few main ingredients for a successful relationship and they are: love, trust, respect and integrity. And to say anything more would be sheer redundancy, hence for now at this point I rest my case and my thoughts.

lil' rambling about being a Veggie !!

As soon as I decided to set sail for US of A I had people telling me how tough it would be for me culturally, how I may experience a culture shock (Blah! I had my first culture shock when I went back to bangalore for a hol this time) and how I was supposed to speak slowly 'coz "those Americans" can't catch on with our usual speed (am yet to find an evidence of that). But not one of those people ever warned me how it would be a big struggle to remain a "Veggie" here. In the land which is rumored to have everything one thing which is rather rare to come by is a good veggie meal. My first experience with the uniqueness of "Vegetarianism" was when I went to Mc Donald's on my first day and naively ordered a cheese burger not realizing that here any "burger" is usually a "Ham burger". Alas! That particular burger (worth 2 $ i.e. 2*43 rupees to a fresh desi ) went down into the bin and trust me I was ready to cry for wasting so much cash on something I never got to eat. Hmmm.... as time went by ... I started having a intense love affair with the potato wedges and ketchup. I would go to a pizza place and eat cheese or veggie sub and of course those fries. All the restaurants I went to I had my fav. food ('coz I could eat nothing else). But turning to a non-veg was never an option and before you draw conclusions it isn't 'coz my religion forbids it (which it doesn't) itz just 'coz I am against killing animals to eat. I just happen to choose the way of vegetarian living out of choice and it has never been possible for me to go against what I feel very strongly about!
And after a lotta fumbling and grumbling about "how hard it is to be a Veggie here" I finally learned to ask for substituting those chicken with onions and bell peppers. And that my dear friends has opened a whole new world of eat-outs for me.... I now can go any place and know that I can have something other than those (now dreaded) potato wedges and eat those exotic sounding dishes (with subtlle changes in recipe's of course). Yum...... I am now ready and armed with a full stomach to face the world.
Thats all i have to say ...but as an ending line ..lemme add a note to all those people out there who smirk at Veggies ....Think of how much will power and perseverance it requires to remain one... and then u will know why "vegetarian life" is claimed to be the best kinda life by a rare few!

Ahem! Ahem! My first attempt at a Blog

Surprisingly it was only very recently that I read my first Blog and the idea immediately appealed to me. Ever since I remember I have had an incredible urge to analyze stuff more deeply than usual..But hey before u start drawing conclusions I plead sanity...Anyways blogging just held the right kind of appeal to me and here I am typing in my first blog.
Now making a blog seems easy, but it took me whole 10 mins to actually think of a name for my blog spot and u have to admit that's a long time.. Yeah "kabhi here kabhi there" seems so apt to define a place where I would write my thoughts and opinions 'coz life as someone dear tol' me yesterday "is not alwaz black or white..." And that's what this blog is all about..itz neither here nor there... itz just somewhere ard trying to formulate into something more meaningful, more concrete.. Something which allows me to reach out to other similar minds.. And expand my horizons...An attempt to knowing myself and others..
And that my frnds is enough food for thought and lemme rest this at this note..adios amingos.....

Plz.... as a ending note I acknowledge 2 people who originally inspried me to start writing the blog.... my close frnd.. Kanishk n' my roomie... Sirisha....:)