There are so many times in your life when you tend to look
back at life what is past and then sigh… some of them filled with that feeling
of correctness, the content … and some that of regrets.
Yes! Regrets,.. a human nature is such.. always second
guessing at what may have been.. always thinking about how you missed that opportunity
.. how perhaps life would have moved on a different track (not necessarily the
right one but different nevertheless).
Amongst these zillion peeps down the memory lane.. I have
always regretted what I think was my biggest failing ….. I have always wished I
could turn the clock back on that one and do things differently.
You would understand this ache in me, if you have ever had
someone you loved pass away and when you look back .. u wish you had snatch
some personal moments with the loved one, before the death snatched them away!
My Favorite cousin, Suja, was always this person I loved… my
fondest memory of her in sitting with her my parents room, she wearing a white
nightdress my mom had given her.. me playing with her hands and telling her this
movie story (excruciating and painfully detailed) which was my then favorite. She
smiling, asking questions, seeming genuinely interested in listening to me .. at
the end saying “I want to now see this movie, your story just mesmerized me”
and me glowing with pride on having evoked the desire..
Now when I look back, I can see how kind and sweet that
really was. Would I ever be able to listen to someone for more than an hour on
a topic I really did not care about? And yet be so gracious and so delightful..
I am not so sure..
She was that kind of person… a nature lover… a animal
activist …I sat beside her, reading books about volcanoes, and nature…she was a
born story teller, could make anything sounds magical… the prettiest amongst us
cousins.. she was the one with a heart I could connect with, with whom I could
share my ambition of being a pilot, with whom I could talk about joining army..
with whom I could really discuss the things I really wanted to do…
As I grew up, I never loved her less, but I did not seem to
spend as much time… perhaps life got in way.. and then when I was in my senior
year (12th grade) she feel sick suddenly… she was sick for 4 days.. and I thought I
would go and meet her… I kept pushing it out and by 5th day she was
gone…. Forever from our lives .. the brain fever just grasped her away.. .and I
never ever got to say how much I cared, how much I loved her still.. Till the
date, I feel awful about being so immersed in my teenage life.. I cry for a
chance to see her smile again, to tell me go do what I want to .. alas! I never
can, I never will.. and all I have of her are few memories and a wish that I
was not so selfish then …
Sometimes when I am living my life now, I often find myself
wondering what would she have tought of me now? Would she have liked what I
have become? … I have no answer.. but just regrets.. for not having “the Suja”
in my life anymore…
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