The precious need for approval

I had always believed that opinion of only one person mattered to me – my hubby. But today I realized that it may not be true.

For the long weekend we are off to Florida, and I decided to go and shop for a dress or two (I have never had a sundress/ summer dress, so I thought let me finally have that piece in my wardrobe). So I went with my new found friend/neighbor to mall and ended up buying three things…. None of which won my hubby’s approval.

On one hand I want him to be frank with me, on the other I want him to like my choices! We obviously have very different tastes in clothing and there is no mid way for us. So when he said “No” thrice in a row…. I like a balloon which lost itz air midway through itz flight.

Then I realized that all I want is for him to feel proud of me when we meet his closest friends in Flordia. I know I am being unfair to him as I write this ‘coz he has always been the best and shows in more ways than one of how he cherishes me.

Ours was a love marriage and we had our difficulties in finally winning the precious nod of approval from the family members. In India, his relatives made it more than evident about how they thought “he could have done so much better for himself”, while mine kept telling me that “you are a lucky gal”. I just want someone to tell him that he is lucky too………….. I know it is silly, but I can’t help wishing that someone would come up and only once tell him verbally that he is lucky too.

I know this is sheer vanity on my part..... but am I so bad? In his eyes I can see the love he harbors for me and I know that we both are lucky to have found each other. This by itself should be enough for me but I find that somewhere in my heart I seek approval from someone else as well (someone close to him).


You may wonder what this has to do with my shopping trip or anything… well, I had thought that I had banished this need for “approval” down to the dungeons of my thoughts (where it truly belongs). But today out of blue it held me captive yet again and I found myself thinking “hmmm.. mabbe this time (hopefully) someone may think that he is lucky to have me”.

I am scared that this will someday in future lead to sheer complications in the relationship. But how do I stop myself from thinking all this crap. Trust me I have tried, I manage to shoo the thoughts away, but sometimes this wanting just grips me so hard that it leaves me breathless.

I know I am wrong, I know that I don’t need anyone to tell him anything. I am confident of his love for me, I bask in it….. but yet why do I put myself through this??? WHY?

Those school days!

“Pinafore, double plaits, socks pulled up and red ribbons” are the first things which come to my mind when I think of my school. It evokes the memories of the best of times and the worst of times.

It was in school I was first made to realize I was a dark skinned Indian (and somehow that belittled me in eyes of some of those “fair skinned ones). It was there when I first realized that studies came easily to me. My love for reading went from strength to strength in those school years.

Being always a teacher’s pet made me an eyesore for many. I was considered what you may call nerd, I still made some great friends and still managed to turn out “OK” (atleast I hope so).

Having an Army background allowed me to have a variety in schools. I met different kinds of people from different walks of life, some of whom I cared for deeply, some whom I didn’t. I learn to be nonchalant about people saying crap about you and I learned to appreciate friends and friendship better.

I still don’t know if I was a very likable person in school… but I was in peace with myself and that I think could be counted as a good thing. Of course, I had my days of “Oh lord help me” but then they would sweep away equally fast!

I loved ribbons on my hair, I liked to dream about some day meeting someone who would actually see the “true me”, I had the most vivid imagination and thought the world was mine. I was fat then but it never bothered me, I was confident about myself. The worrying about gaining weight came in only later, but those years I was blissfully unaware that world liked thin, svelte females.

Unfortunately I wasn’t one of those “popular” kids, I secretly wished I was.. however, my pride held me back from changing myself to fit in the crowd. Today I am glad of it. There are many things in my past which I would like to go back and change but my school days are certainly not one of them. Popular or not I loved those days and would happily go back to them without a second thought!

So what attracts u?

“Attraction” is such an abstract word. It has different meanings for different people.

To me the word “attraction” was a highly overrated one word till I found myself “oh-ahhing” in my 10^th grade over one singly handsome actor. From then on I found the word applied not only to cute guys but to many other aspects of the life. Today I explore the few attractions which make my life colorful!

Of course, “SALE” sign makes my heart rate increase and I always experience this irresistible urge to just “pop” into the stores “just for a second”. (It ends up reflecting on my credit card for sure)

Very recently I have found myself being attracted to bright colored books.book. I have always been a voracious reader and finding myself picking up books simply because they have “bright” covers is something I still haven’t been able to decipher. But this has certainly brought in a sense of adventure to my reading, I seem to be reading a whole new range of books, one day an autobiography followed by a chick flick the very next.

My 31” HDTV just mesmerizes me, I find myself staring into its screen for long hours (mabbe itz got something to me being currently a homemaker?)

Amongst various other things “Choclate ice-cream” makes me weak on my knees. I find myself grappling at it every week (damn! My promises to junk the junk always goes down the drain).

Oh! I also find the “back profile” of men very interesting (Jeez I sound so freaking sleazy) but well truth can’t be denied!

But the most attractive of them all for me is my hubby darl’ (predicable ain’t it?) I just can’t stop thinking how lucky I am!

And at this note I end this blog of mine with a rather simple question to anyone who is reading this - " So what does the word bring to you?"

World trade center - Movie

Would I like to a movie about 9/11?

I can frankly say that I find the idea of a movie based on the event pretty disturbing. Every time I pass by WTC I have a sense of sadness engulf me. I am always overwhelmed and I stop for a minute or two to thank god for everything she has given me.

To imagine that the place would affect me so much is nothing short of amazing. I am not an American, I wasn’t even there when this happened and it really didn’t affect me any way. But some places have an aura which surrounds them and WTC is one place which is hard to ignore.

Scores of humanity rumbled into dust, a war resulted and a hollow right at the heart of city. Oh yeah! The place has a way of saying “look what has happened here, look how we far we humans have leaped ahead!” And when I see the trailers of the movie "world trade center, 9/11" on the TV, I feel something squeeze my heart. One part of me wants to see the movie, see if it really manages to move me as much as the ground zero does. However, another part, a much stronger one refuses to shies away from experiencing the images of “what may have happened”.

Am I wrong on my refusal to watch the movie? I don’t know the answer to that, but I do know I am not ready for it…… as yet!