After effects of the "rotten" day!

My dad had often called me “sensitive” and today I just have to agree with him. My heart still feels heavy and tears are just ready to fall (I am so prone to tears), but I somehow control it and I tell myself to stop being a fool. Its just that I have never really seen “my dearest” angry and yesterday when I heard him, I just felt my heart ache. The ache continues and it hurts so much more ‘coz I know the reason for my “very-calm” person to lose his anger was me. I wish I was more sensitive to others needs. Mabbe I am self obsessed, mabbe all I think about it always “ME, Me and me”, I feel like a selfish jerk and I feel like a slob. I couldn’t get up from the bed and I couldn’t sleep, I kept turning and tossing but my mind finds no peace. I do have this habit of making a mountain outta mole hill and I think that is what I am doing now. I have to be in school, to get over the setbacks I suffered yesterday, start writing again, but I just feel so ……………well……something. Its like a hand holding and squeezing my heart dry. My work, my friends, my relationships… I am good at nothing at all. I feel like a failure in all the ways possible and I do wish I was smarter, more responsible, nicer and a good person. But I find myself being neither. I find myself questioning god’s design. I wish I was in island, that way I would never have the ability to hurt anyone, say anything wrong or loose any important data with a press of button. I always have wanted to be good at what I do…. Including being a good friend, a good GF, a good daughter… a good sis, a good worker, roomie etc etc.………….but I seem to just fall short of everything. I know that right now I am feeling sorry about myself and making myself feel more miserable (I am too practical not to know that) but I just can’t make this feeling go away!

I sometimes think that I will never be truly happy ‘coz I am always worried, pondering over something or the other. Of course, this can’t be entirely true ‘coz I am happy most of the times, itz just that I don’t really write about my happy times. Writing about things which bother me always makes me feel better, it helps me analyze my thoughts and know where I am going wrong. As I write this too, I feel like a load lifting off, I feel better and I wonder what is so therapeutic about writing down ones feeling. Well, who knows and whoz bothered, I just know it works for me and I know by evening if things go well, I will be happy again with all these thoughts of introspection behind me. I know by evening I would have already realized my faults and would try to get over them (sometimes successfully, sometimes unsuccessfully)…… I will probably feel lucky about being me….till the next wave of my introspection hits me!

Happenings of a rotten day.....a page from my life right now

As most of the rotten days begin my day began quite pleasantly. For once I got up early enough to have breakfast and walk to school at a normal pace. But that was about the only good thing which happened to me. I teach lab to 3rd year undergrad mechanical students and usually pride myself at doing the job well. But today I fumbled my way through the whole thing and I am not sure that they even understood what I was speaking about. The sad part was that this particular part of the lab was the one close to my heart; I knew everything that should have been know and was well versed with the intricacies of the topic involved, yet I stood there making a fool of myself.

Anywaz, after the lab I decided to sit and work on a journal paper which I had been postponing for a long while now ….. and I even finished it … I was just congratulating myself on a job well done when I decided to switch users on the computer….and somehow my whole folder got purged. My 1.5 months work, with no back up, a part of my thesis …everything… I tried retrieving it, but couldn’t. I asked a few guys I knew to do the same, but they couldn’t. The worst thing is that it’s my fault for not having had a back up for all my data. The tears are not far away, but I refuse to give in ‘coz the fault is all mine and I have to accept it. Hopefully the computer administrator of the department can help me tomorrow! I am keeping my fingers crossed, he is my last hope.

In the evening I was made to realize how I had started taking someone dear for granted and in the process was becoming rather insensitive to his feelings. I also realized that mabbe I had taken to “not” being entirely truthful to one person who mattered to me. The things he told me hurt me more ‘coz he hit very close to heart. I couldn’t be angry with him ‘coz each word was truth… but it did make me realize how much I need to grow in certain matters. But I do wish he understood me a little better, and realize that I wouldn’t be the same person if I change these things in me. For me he will always remain the most important person, but now I know that I will have to work towards this relationship mabbe much more than the others I have.

Well…… after this long discussion which made me feel even more rotten, my dearest roomie decided to “discuss” a few things. I just told her what I felt and she claimed she had no problem with me but she did have with my other roomie. And I just hope that they can sort it out….’coz I do like both the gals, they r just 2 very different people. I hate to be in a position where my heart and mind refuses to clearly support anyone. Frankly looking how things are going for me, I think that finally the blame may pass on to me. Gosh! I would die of guilt if it does (my conscious is clear, but yet……)

Finally as usual when exhausted with everything and everyone in the world, I choose to use my secret source of strength. I tried calling home, I wanted to just speak to mom, hear her voice, and know there is still someone who accepts and loves me with all my faults, who could tell me “things will be ok, you will be able to get over your setbacks” without telling me again and again about how stupid or irresponsible I was/am ( I hate hearing that). But I couldn’t get the call through. Oh! I am so tired and torn today that I could just break, but I will not……coz I know tomorrow will be better… any day will be better than today.

Yippee I am a mid-rank Nerd

I took this test about level of nerdiness (thanx to Kanishk ) and found that I am a mid-level nerd...well, I have always been a "wanna-b nerd" and after doing masters in engineering I suppose I shld be able to qualify as a nerd anywaz.... being a nerd makes you kinda stand out ;) ..... hopefully I stand out otherwise too....but the quiz by itself is nothin gr8..any freshman cld qualify to b a nerd.. u just need to kow certain basic stuff...n' ur a NERD..... so check out wat u cld qualify to b :)

My thanksgiving resolution

I never knew I could term myself as a “shopoholic” and here I am today, ready to do so. Ahh! Each week I promise myself that I won’t spend on anything frivolous or unnecessary this week… and poof!! Thanks to the advent of the internet shopping all my good intentions fly outta window! Thankfully I still haven’t started spending beyond what I earn and I still manage to clear my credit cards at the end of the month (Phew! Thank god for small mercies and that little bit of brains I still happen to have left).

Well, the weird thing of my “shopoholicsm” is that I get bouts of buying something particular. The results of my last venture into net shopping fills my apartment to the brink……“Books”….. I spend a fortune on it and I still treasure all the books that I have with me. I still feel that thrill rush though me when I read an absolutely new hardbound book. The delight of turning a new page and the smell of a new book still manages to turn me on but one thing which really turns me off is my “credit card” bill at the end of the day! And after finally fighting and winning the urge to buy more and more books (mainly due to my newest discovery to the joys of book borrowing in library), I discovered that I liked having DVDs on my racks as well.

I bought a DVD for a friend for his Bday 4 months back (a Bday which is in Nov… yeah! I think about the presents and buy them ages before the day actually comes) and there was this great deal on these few movies I liked. So I decided to buy them as well. Unfortunately, once u get a good deal u are always on look out for more and when you really look you can get real great deals online. So before my mind could even assimilate my newest “quirk”… I found myself buying DVD and groaning yet again at my CC bills. Hmmm, but I have to admit that being a movie freak it is a pleasure to have these DVDs on my rack and just watch some of those fabulous movies whenever I feel like. Right from “My fair lady” to “Matrix” to “Jumanji” etc etc … each one a classic in itz own way. …. And each one straining my CC in one way.

To get away from it herez my thanksgiving resolution (I wonder if people make thanksgiving resolutions but well there should always be a first time for everything)….so herez my resolution… “I am going to stay away from online shopping” and “I swear not to buy anything outrageous for atleast 5 months” (GROAN! That’s gonna be hard to keep). Now that I have it in writing and out in open for all to see, I hope to refrain my self from straining my bank balance further and scrimping and saving for future! Wish me all the best amigos… adios!

Personal space in an relationship

I got this from a blog on my friend kanishks blog, http://justkanishk.blogspot.com who actually gave the link for the article in rediff.com, http://specials.rediff.com/getahead/2005/nov/09sld.htm Well, this article speaks about personal space in an relationship which strikes an perfect chord in me. Being in a relationship can indeed be stifling if itz too crowded and hence the need for being your "own person" and have your "own time". I have always believed in this rather strongly and I hope with all my heart that I will give this personal space to “my dearest” always. I want him to have his “Guys Only” time all the time. I would love him to go on a hol with his set of friends and just do what he would like to. Of course once you enter a relationship things do change, you do have some constraints, but these constraints should be such which actually are by choice of the person himself/herself and not 'coz of some obligation. Of course once you enter a relationship things do change, you do have some constraints, but these constraints should be such which actually are by choice of the person himself/herself. As your relationship grows, you come to know about each other and you start reading the other person well. At this point I guess the thing to do is to read the person well enough and let him have his/her personal space when he/she needs it and one way to know if you are doing so is (according to article which i happen to agree with) is to see if any of the signs given below matches up with u. If it does, then you know now that it is the time you gave some space in!!
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Recognise the signs
i. You get irritated with each other over small issues like what you wear, who you meet. You feel you are being constantly nagged, and being called up too many times unnecessarily.
ii. There is discomfort between you and your partner that seems unnatural. For instance, you go out of your way to avoid each other, or there is a persistent undercurrent of hostility.
iii. One of you becomes too possessive of the other.
iv. One of you gets suspicious and tries to invade the other's privacy (by looking through personal messages, mail etc).
v. You don't look forward to and spend less than the usual time with your partner.
vi. One of you remains preoccupied with work and the need for companionship and support steadily decreases.
vii. There is very little real communication -- talking as well as listening, between the two of you.
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Party at Chinese friend's... and consequences

Yesterday we had a dinner party at a Chinese friend of mine. Frankly I was reluctant about eating Chinese food especially since I know that their vegetarian menu is literally non-existent. But whoa! The sight which greeted us at her house was not only scrumptious to look at but smelled good as well. So I decided to lay my prejudice aside and go ahead and eat the whole array of food placed decoratively and rather irresistibly in front of me. And the food tasted as good as it looked and the expectant look on this friend of mine for comments is rather hard to resist. You have to but like her as a person and yesterday I had to admit to myself she was a good cook too. Groan! All my friends are great cooks…. Everyone except me………..my cooking is more temperamental, sometimes great to eat and sometimes just manageable. Well, getting back to the Chinese friend’s party you should have seen the delight on her face when we said her food was good. I wouldn’t mind having Chinese food, alas! if only Chinese restaurants were as considerate of the veggies like me.
Hmm… looking back at the party the amusing thing was perhaps that as soon as we reached, my dear pal came out with all her make up kit. And looking at her I would have frankly never guessed that she actually uses any make up at all. And the whole thing was amusing ‘coz we had 2 guys sitting next to us and the look on their face when our pal came out with her cosmetics was priceless. The guys were looked so stunned and after the surprise wore off there came a resigned look which said “crazy girls”. Anywaz looking at her range of cosmetics and also at the range of ones used by my dear roommates I feel rather like a village belle. I still have no idea how to put a foundation or an eye shadow. When I need to dress up, I faithfully use my sun screen lotion n’ eyeliner, lipstick is almost my skin color (I just feel conscious to put on more fancier shades) and that’s about it. I think now that I am 24 and a grown woman (wow! That sounds quite old) I ought to do something about my ignorant ways. Mabbe spruce up myself more to look groomed, I am seriously thinking of going and getting a makeup kit suggested by one of those ladies at Dillards. But being a lazy bone I am sure even then I would just consider it a too much of an effort and well, just let that costly lil’ make up kit waste away. But since something’s are worth a try anywaz I may just go ahead and indulge myself this once and hopefully the results are worth a watch ;)…..

BTW.... I really find thinking of heading and ending of a written work more tiresome than anything else ....so bear with them :)

Animal quiz

ANIMAL QUIZ

You Are A: Pony!

Who doesn't love a pony? You are one of these miniature horses, renown for your beauty and desired by many. Full of grace, you are a beautiful and very special animal, full of strength and majesty.
You were almost a: Duck or a Lamb
You are least like a: Mouse or a Chipmunk

Link: http://www.cuteducky.com/cute_animal_quiz.html

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I took this test just for the heck of it ... in a moment of idleness.... of course when I saw it in one of the blogs I visited .. just cldn't resist.... Luv animals.... and already dream of having this amazingly cute, dumb looking Lab... who will welcome me back home with a lotta jumping and a whole lotta of licking on the face .... i already have the name ready and he is the biggest of my ambitions in my life .... when I have a pet it will be then that I know I have arrived!!

Anywaz.. wld hav luved to b a puppy ...but a pony doesn't sound bad.... take the quiz c wat u turn out to be and c if u can actually associate with the animal ........Itz fun!!!

ahh.. woes of letting go a person

Well…….meeting and parting they say is a part of life. Then why is meeting someone, being friends with that someone so easy while letting the person go so difficult? Within a span of 5 months I have my 2 gr8 pals leaving and going towards better tidings. The second one is to leave this Saturday and as the day draws nearer I find myself trying to sort my feelings and feel glad that she is moving to a better place with the one she loves. But ahh! My selfish self I find it harder and harder to do so. The fact that I see her everyday and won’t be doing so anymore makes my heart feel heavier. Mabbe itz best if you associate with people but don’t really become so emotionally attached to them. When I was younger my dad always called me “A sentimental fool” n’ I have to admit that things have hardly changed in that aspect. I have alwaz and I think will alwaz be at extremes, I am either too distant or too attached with a person. I am yet to learn how to do things midway.

For me talking has never been a problem. I can speak to a dozen of people at sixes and seven and yet maintain distance well enough. I had even been blamed by one of my ex-room-mates about being “incapable of caring”, well, frankly I didn’t think she was worth it and I give a damn about her opinion about me. But that goes on to show how much at extremes I can be. Also coming here and staying at this place has been a rather revelation about myself to me. At home, I have always been the apple of eye with all my relatives. I sincerely thought I wasn’t so bad at keeping up relationships. But here I realize that I just can’t be good at all at times, I am growly, moody, impatient and whole lotta other things. I wish I could be a better person. I try to be, I try to change but somethings just keep refusing to go…...like a bad coin.

Oops! Looks like I am drifting from the topic again. Well, coming back to the topic I originally meant to write about I am trying to be really happy for my dear friend. I know she has wanted to go from here for a long time and she deserves no less. But I can’t seem to hold back this feeling of selfishness which wishes for her to stay back just a lil’ longer. I am as usual feeling guilty of this terrible selfish attitude of mine but itz just that she seems to have almost become a family. When you are away from home itz friends who become family and all said and done distance does make a difference. I am sure we will be in touch etc etc ………. But things r bound to change …. Afterall isn’t that wat life is all about? As I struggle coming to terms with my selfishness and sadness at her going away .. I try to recognize and reconcile myself to accepting the hard facts of life………..life flies now and will always do so…..