After effects of the "rotten" day!

My dad had often called me “sensitive” and today I just have to agree with him. My heart still feels heavy and tears are just ready to fall (I am so prone to tears), but I somehow control it and I tell myself to stop being a fool. Its just that I have never really seen “my dearest” angry and yesterday when I heard him, I just felt my heart ache. The ache continues and it hurts so much more ‘coz I know the reason for my “very-calm” person to lose his anger was me. I wish I was more sensitive to others needs. Mabbe I am self obsessed, mabbe all I think about it always “ME, Me and me”, I feel like a selfish jerk and I feel like a slob. I couldn’t get up from the bed and I couldn’t sleep, I kept turning and tossing but my mind finds no peace. I do have this habit of making a mountain outta mole hill and I think that is what I am doing now. I have to be in school, to get over the setbacks I suffered yesterday, start writing again, but I just feel so ……………well……something. Its like a hand holding and squeezing my heart dry. My work, my friends, my relationships… I am good at nothing at all. I feel like a failure in all the ways possible and I do wish I was smarter, more responsible, nicer and a good person. But I find myself being neither. I find myself questioning god’s design. I wish I was in island, that way I would never have the ability to hurt anyone, say anything wrong or loose any important data with a press of button. I always have wanted to be good at what I do…. Including being a good friend, a good GF, a good daughter… a good sis, a good worker, roomie etc etc.………….but I seem to just fall short of everything. I know that right now I am feeling sorry about myself and making myself feel more miserable (I am too practical not to know that) but I just can’t make this feeling go away!

I sometimes think that I will never be truly happy ‘coz I am always worried, pondering over something or the other. Of course, this can’t be entirely true ‘coz I am happy most of the times, itz just that I don’t really write about my happy times. Writing about things which bother me always makes me feel better, it helps me analyze my thoughts and know where I am going wrong. As I write this too, I feel like a load lifting off, I feel better and I wonder what is so therapeutic about writing down ones feeling. Well, who knows and whoz bothered, I just know it works for me and I know by evening if things go well, I will be happy again with all these thoughts of introspection behind me. I know by evening I would have already realized my faults and would try to get over them (sometimes successfully, sometimes unsuccessfully)…… I will probably feel lucky about being me….till the next wave of my introspection hits me!