How?

I am sitting here, staring at the computer and wondering what to write. I have so much to say, yet find myself contemplating about what to leave out. The happenings in my life aren’t many, but yet to me it seems like life has come to a standstill. I have friends telling me to get over this phase of “self obsessed introspection” but somehow I find myself unable to do so. I get up and come to school, find that the instrument I need to work on is still “Non-operational”, have so much more to do, wonder if I will be able to finish it before I set forth for India in April. The worry eats me and there is nothing much I can do. I laugh and speak normally but thoughts gnaw into my heart… I find myself unable to answer the question “When will u finish?” I think I am depressed, I no longer like talking to anyone ….mabbe ‘coz everyone has the same question in different forms. I just want to graduate and get over with it… I am tired……………….. I don’t know how to deal with it. I have to get over this and look forward to the future which promises me so much. I have to think about good things like Marriage, Family and Friends……….but how do I do so when my mind is so clouded and heart so heavy??? How indeed?

Today.....

I am feeling lonely today. Inspite of having Shiva, my family and some great friends I am feeling lonely. Work is not going well, I think probably ‘coz I just did not put enough effort. I am missing home and him. I just can’t bring myself to speak to my friends here about it. After all it is my burden to carry, why let anyone know about what I am feeling right now. I hate talking about my work with anyone, I like to deal with the things at work myself. There is a lot happening on work front which should not have happened, some of it (no perhaps, most of it) my fault. Knowing that I am to blame for the crap I find myself in, I find it difficult to even tell him about it. I am ashamed of myself at the moment and that shame is so great that it denies me the right to share it even with my own. Friends….. I have …….. but may be I am just not the kind who evokes strong feelings in people. May be I still have to grow and learn not to expect from people, that way I will not be disappointed. Perhaps, the mistake lies in me… I become too emotionally attached with some and when I am not responded in kind I find heart heavy with indescribable feelings. I hope in future atleast when I work I don’t ever have to ask anyone for help (for I know now that may be asking for help is very close to “using them”). Today, I have promised myself…. I am going to work and find everything I know by myself irrespective of how ever long it takes. I also will try not to feel so lonely, so alone and stranded………………..I have to do that…………. I have to survive with dignity n’ pride!!!

Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni... her books make me think about .... a lot of things

Over the past few days I have found myself literally devouring the books by Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni. Perhaps, the fact that all her books are related to people from India, my country, holds me so much under its spell. All her works have a rather fascinating innuendo in them and speak about old “Indian-ess” which I somewhere along my quest for modernity seem to have left behind. Her books speak about Bengal and Bengalis whose culture is so far removed from mine (I am a south Indian army product) that I find myself puzzling over the stronghold they seem to have over me. The stories linger on in my mind long after I finish reading them, each of them making me think and analyze the depths of my own thoughts (some of them murky) which I had so far been unable to fathom. The fact that all her stories are so deeply engulfed with reality makes me think a lot about my country which I have left behind. I find my self wondering with awe over the deep rooted culture of ours, about the traditions and superstitions which form the backbone of the rural-India

Surprisingly, I also find in myself a yearning to live in those traditions and make some of them mine. . I have always prided on the fact that I have had a modern upbringing (by Indian standards), with mom who has always been my bestest friends but, this yearning to know more about my culture and traditions brings with it a thunderous flash of edification about myself !!! (I have always so far mocked at the so called ol’ fashioned ways and outdated thoughts which people still stick onto) However now I am forced to admit that our culture which at times seems so stifling to me (even now) brings along with it the undeniable love of elders. The old try to seep u into their ways, we revolt and think of them as fools, but wat we forget to c is the immense love that they have for us which makes them want to pass on their traditions, their ways to us.

Reading these books take me down the dusty lane of my memories and I remember the love of my grandmom (my mom’s mom) when she would put us to sleep by telling us stories and making us pray. I remember combing her white silvery hair and of her making my favorite “Tamarind rasam” (YUM). I remember sitting with her while she read books to me (I think I may have gotten my love of reading from her and ma) and her feeding me those rice balls with her hand. I miss her and my eyes fill with tears as I write this. In this moment of introspection, I hope somewhere down the lane in future my children at least learn to appreciate these love soaked traditions and culture which binds the hearts of the family so closely and tightly and makes India unique from the rest of the world.

U have to read this!!!!!

I read this amazingly hilarious post titled "2005: A crappy new year"......haven't laughed as much for a long time and very well-written ..give it a try... c if it makes u howl/ smile as well..... hav fun reading :)

Marriage advice- available in abundance

With marriage looming ahead, I have been receiving advice from all quarters. When I call up home, mom is like “Beta, don’t cut ur hair…let it grow longer, it will look good in snaps” and my sis “Please wear leghanga for the wedding instead of saree… u will look so WOW”. The question which I have come to abhor with all passion is “So when r u coming to India? Come at least one month before the marriage”. With me working against time to get my thesis in shape and complete my work, this is the last thing I have in mind and somehow this question just ticks me off. I hate the idea of having a huge wedding (which BTW we are having), of smiling and posing for snaps with people/relatives we don’t even know (which we will be doing). But well, knowing Indian weddings and the hungama surrounding it, I am just glad that at least I got to choose my own hubby. And he is an amazing guy and I thank lord everyday for giving me the gift of him, I hope our love just grows and grows as we grow older and wiser (?).

Anywaz, my dear friend, keeps advising me on how I should be exercising daily and look really amazingly beautiful on the marriage day. She says very knowingly (I can almost see her smile her knowing smile) “U don’t want to turn the guy off on your wedding night u know!!” As usual I nod my head and vow to myself “I will take up swimming again “(which I don’t think helps to reduce, but that’s the only form of exercise I can tolerate). But somehow after struggling with writing thesis and facing the frustrating attempts at fabrication (MEMS device) I just seem to be mentally tired to do anything. I come back home early (I am back by 7.30pm) and I do have a lotta time to go work out. But I end up curling up with a book, listening to music and just relaxing. Its still there in my list of things “I want to do” but I know one thing for sure… I want to exercise for myself and not to make myself attractive for someone else (he is attracted enough for him to marry me and I guess the rest he will have to deal with/ get used to).

I even had a few people telling me “hey U have to reduce as u will look FAT next to him”. Well, I am 5 feet 8’ and for my height I can carry my weight well enough, I may not be thin but I am certainly not fat…. And I am just tired of people telling me to reduce. I know all of them mean well (after all they are my dear friends) but I also know this “he loves me and he cares for me, and I am attractive to him as he is to me” and I think thats all that matters at the end. I am ready to work-out take all efforts together with him, but right now……. I just don’t have the energy to think about “OMG! He is so thin while I am so much on the other end. Will people think we make a good couple?” I just know that I love him a lot (more than I have ever loved anyone) and if that love can’t carry us through, becoming thinner and having the most amazing figure certainly cannot!!!!

Hmmm…... extending on the list are these few more things –“Drink atleast 1.5 lts of water everyday”, “ Don’t color ur hair”, “Put some kind of face mask every day” (Till the date I have never got a facial done ….I agree itz time to bring about some changes like this), “stay off cheesy and fired stuff”, “In India, get a whole body massaged every day 2 weeks before marriage”, “Get something for your facial hair”, “Don’t use oral contraceptive pills…they have side effects”, “Don’t tell him everything, not good, keep something’s to urself” (I tell him everything, including sometimes high criticism about his side) and my favorite from my grandma “Use haldi (Turmeric) on your face it will make u fair and don’t drink coffee it will make u darker than what you already are!”

Advices are welcome… I agree all of them have my good in their heart, but please, I am glad when they are told once or twice and not over and over again. I like to think that he likes me the way I am (atleast I hope so) and he is attracted to even when I am as I am now and I would like to continue thinking so. All this “concerned” advicing about looks department…just somehow makes me feel so “not good looking” and I really want to feel beautiful now before marriage. It may be an illusion but it is one of those I would like to harbor (at least for a lil’ while now). Telling me over and over again about how I should spruce up myself before the D-day just makes me feel real bad about me and my looks. I may not be a great looker (infact a looker at all) but I certainly don’t want to be told about it again and again. I just want to stay in my dream world and think I look beautiful in the eyes of one who matters and not wonder about “Oh! Does he find me good looking? Do I attract him? Will he like me even after he actually see’s me?” …………………..No let my illusions be and let me hold on to my golden dreams of “Happily ever after” ‘coz sometimes dreams do turn into reality ………………

Abortion...my views on it!

For some reason, for past few days, I have been reading a lot about abortion laws and rights. Mabbe its due to the fact that a friend of mine (newly married) had a pregnancy scare and while telling me about it she also mentioned about having considered the abortion idea (They are still in a financially delicate situation). That got us yapping (as women usually do) on the pros and cons of having one and stuff like that. Well, after having this conversation, today on the eve of the 33rd anniversary of the legendry Roe Vs Wade case which altered the abortion scene all over US, I couldn’t believe that there were so many people actually protesting against the right to having an abortion!! I agree a late term abortion (after the tri-semester) shouldn’t be allowed legally or otherwise, however, I just can’t agree to the idea of a woman having no say as to whether she wants to have a baby or not. It is woman who has to carry the baby for nine months, whose life changes forever after birth of a child, whose body bears the mark of bringing another life to earth. Then why should the woman not have a say as to whether she wants to have a baby or not? As a matter of fact, how can anyone who has not been in a position where abortion is an option knows how it feels? I am sure that most of the women who opt for abortion do so ‘coz their options are thin. The anguish and the guilt which a woman must face while making such a big decision must be huge by itself without adding an issue to legality to it. I am sure even in case abortion is declared illegal it wouldn’t actually stop people from having it. Infact, women who feel they have no other option would still go for an abortion, in such a case, in shady clinics. When we have options for everything in life (like skimmed milk or full fat milk, Marriage or live-in relationship, here or there..etc etc ) without any legal issues involved, the issue of abortion is also simply a matter of choice and all women in the world should have a right to make this choice!!!

the decision to have an abortion generally should be between a woman, her doctor, her conscience, and her God

Joys so far this year... this time......

So herez my first post for this year……

With holidaying and moving into a new apartment and of course loads of pending work I hardly found time to sit and write. Right now even as I am writing this I have been changing my address on all possible credit cards and of course, USPS. Shifting by itself wasn’t as stressful as I thought it would be, infact I got quite a kick by sitting in the front seat of a u-haul truck (which of course my skilled friend drove, I was just a passenger gaping out on the roads from a seat so high up!!). The good thing about the new apartment is having my own room!!! I never thought I missed having my personal space so much but now that I have my own room its just so much cooler. Yesterday, just for the heck of it, before going to my dream world in the night, I threw my intimates on the floor. The freedom of being able to do so was just exhilarating. In the morning instead of changing in the restroom, I choose to change in the room. I didn’t have to lower my volume while speaking on the phone in the night and I get to keep my room the way I like it. I can now have my bouts of cleanliness and sometimes live like a pig. I guess I am feeling this all the more ‘coz its over 2.5 years since I have had this kind of space for myself. Of course the fact that I like my apartment mate (my ex-roomie) a lot also makes staying like this cool ‘coz I know that she is still there for me when I really am low or down.

Another thing which I realized this year is that I actually have become attached to roomie (now apartment mate) of mine. I came back from NYC earlier than she came back from her holidaying and I actually happened to have missed her. It just seemed strange not to have her around. Sometimes you take people for granted and its only when they are not around that you realize what they mean to you. That is exactly what happened to me. I never realized when and how she made a transition from being a roomie to being a friend!! But I am glad that she did and irrespective of whether the feelings are mutual or not…. For me she has become a friend I look forward to having around.

And now coming back to talking about having my own room…….I think itz great also ‘coz it may be the last time I could ever get to have one. I am getting married in April (OMG!! Itz true….. I shall be soon joining the ranks of the old “committed till death do us apart” kinds and the funny thing is that I am actually looking forward to it). And of course once married I can’t possibly sleep in a room of my own (I have a feeling I wouldn’t like to either ;)….). So getting this kind of space is kind of great.

Speaking of marriage, my trip to NYC made me realize that I am a terrible “housewife” material. I hate having to do nothing and I am constantly on an itch to go out and wander around (which I did do while he was slogging away). I could also turn out to be a perfect nag if I sat around at home for long. So itz highly essential for my sanity (and his) that I get a good job soon….otherwise …god help us newly married couple (in futuristic mode). Hence I have decided to start looking out for jobs sometime soon (resume…application….GROAN).

I can go on and on about so many other things... but work becokns and I have to answer itz painful call....so herez me signing off ....hoping to be back again soon...with another post,....another day!