Dollops of emotions and a dash of sentiment!

Well… here I am writing again about feelings and thoughts. My blog has often been called by a few friends of mine as the “relationship/sentimental” crap. Each time I hear that I can’t help but smile. I write as I think and being a cancerian, I think a lot deeply and more sentimentally than many people I know. Sometimes it bogs me down and sometimes it boosts me up. Oh yeah! I am yet to learn how to think with my mind. For me feelings, relationships and sentiments will always be at helm (I can literally hear my hubby groaning right now). Life has mostly been kind to me, I of course find ways to ponder over it, but yeah it has been kind (touchwood) and sentiments are rather free flowing. May be now that I am 24 on verge on becoming 25, I should rethink the way I think and put my rusty brain to work for once. Marriage hasn’t changed me, if anything I have become more emotionally charged.

I am defending at the end of June (Yes! Finally will be done with masters) and will be leaving behind the school I have come to have a love-hate relationship forever. However, as I think of leaving.. a kinda sadness engulfs me and I can’t help but feel sad about leaving behind people whom I have come to care for immensely. I will be moving in with my new hubby (high time, distance isn’t doing much good to us) but at the same time I will be in NYC looking for a job. I hope I can get one…logic tells me that everything will be fine, but my heart still beats hard thinking of all the unknown things I may have to face. I am not a very brave person (I like to show on contrary but deep within I battle my fears constantly). I hope I can be good at what I do, and I hope I can be satisfied with what I have. Hmmmmmmm………………..a pretty daunting list by itself, tells me how many miles I have to go before becoming mature enough to handle my life my way!

ever thought of dying?

Killing oneself is often said to be a coward’s way out to the problems facing him/her. But personally I think it requires a lot of courage. There have been times in my life when I would pray to lord to take me with her, when I just wanted to die and let others be happy. I am sure all of us must have gone through such phases while growing up. Each time I would imagine myself dying and leaving the lives of one I love in peace. May be a new beginning for them and an end for me.

However, never once have I actually tired killing my self. Even when my heart felt like it was being torn apart, even when I knew I had caused someone I loved to hurt….. I just couldn’t bring myself to do so. My heart would ache and I would pray hard to god with all my heart, but I never had courage to bring the knife near my wrists.

Perhaps it was due to the tiny spark of hope which never left my side. I always wanted to see if things would get better. I wanted to always make my loved one happy. I don’t know if I can ever be a success in truly doing so…..but I do know I will try till I die ...............naturally.

Anti-reservation agitation in India

My sister is on a hunger strike, my hubby’s favorite topic of discussion is “Quota system in India n’ dirty politics”…. And as the anti reservation agitation continues, we Indians seem to have reached a deadlock. Today, I do my part by writing what I think of the whole thing.

Well, having quotas has always been a part of Indian constitution. When India got itz independence in 1947 perhaps it was something which was needed. So we had separate reservations for SC/ST, OBC, minorities etc etc. We grew as a country and so did the quotas!! The question is not whether quota should be increased or not… the question is whether the quota system should be there at all? I have a lot of SC/ST and OBC friends and their financial status is better than mine ever has been. I see so many poor in India who never get a chance to progress ‘coz they do not fall in one of those reservations.

Today we stand on the threshold of being called a country to reckon with… yet we refuse to let go of age old agendas. Time has come for us to have an income based reservation rather than caste based reservations. By making more of the caste-based reservations, we are not only creating inequality but also re-dividing our already divided society! What happened to “united we stand, divided we fall?” Huh! Seems like it was one of those class room lessons which never made it to real life.

Every single day I get a mail informing me about some poor medico dying of hunger.. each time I open a news website I see pictures of the agitators, I see my sister and her friends (all medicos) passionate about the whole issue,… why is the government turning blind eye to the people? When is our politics and politicians gonna finally be “for the people”, when will they stop looking at doing things just to gain some political mileage? Do we the people of India have any say at all in our country………democracy…Blah! To me it sounds nothing of that sort!! I am sure government will not retrace itz steps and never listen to people…….. letz see if my prediction comes true…………meanwhile all we can do is protest , so go on….do that!

couples, culebra island and more !

Now a days I find this incredible urge to see snaps of couples… as a result I seem to be seeing snaps of people I don’t even know. Hmmm…..wonder if itz gotto do with the fact that I myself am hitched ? Somehow seeing a happy couple snap makes me feel better!!! Perhaps getting married is equivalent to getting a lil’ weird………..

Anywaz seeing these snaps keeps reminding me of my honeymoon in Culebra island (Puerto Rico). It was definitely one of the best times I have ever had in my life so far. This 7 mile long island captured my heart with it amazing beaches. 20 miles east of Puerto Rico, it lies in middle of nowhere and has the most amazing snorkeling reefs.

Thankfully, the place which we choose to say gave us best possible privacy. It was like all your fantasies coming true… a glass cottage on top of a hill, a private swimming pool…. Oh yeah! It was loads of fun. The white beaches with itz transparent blue water and amazing fauna swimming alongside you just made the place all the more enchanted.

We did crazy things… went snorkeling, kayaking, sang aloud on the beaches, made sand structures (we choose to make Indian God- Ganesh)….simply chilled out. I even drove a jeep….fulfilling one of my closely held dreams.

I got to wear a real cool swimwear, a sarong and an incredibly huge hat. When I saw the hat lying on one of the racks in the island shop, I knew I had to have it. It seemed so “beachy” and so “out-there” like the island itself. Buying and wearing something so impractical seemed just one of those “impossible” things possible in the island. The islanders were friendly lot and food is supposed to be real great as well (Veggie’s like me have choices rather limited, but my hubby enjoyed his food).

Even while we were out in Culebra town, somehow it seemed to us like we were alone. We walked alongside in harmony, arms twined, enjoying nature and the fact that finally we were “officially” together. Each time I looked at my hubby my heart literally sang. Just realizing how much joy you can gather staying with this one person makes possibilities seem infinite. Any doubts I am in love and reveling in it??? SIGH………

Next post will be up when I am done mooning over my darl’ and stop smiling like a fool by myself!!

GROAN

Married and separated so soon makes your heart ache constantly.

I am back at my school…..trying to finish what I started. I feel a sense of loss… loss at having left behind whom I cherish most. Things wouldn’t have been so bad if things were smooth in school. The machine which I work on again has “non-operational” tag. Already my defense has been postponed…initially ‘coz I wanted to get married, then ‘coz of machine and now again I feel my heart sinking. I am wondering why I am being punished for the inefficiencies of my school facilities?? I have worked, and worked hard….. I feel so bad and so broken when things go so badly wrong. I am so petrified of looking out for a job.

I have always been very confident of being able to make it. I was conceited enough to think that I was smart. But now with all this my ego, confidence is all down in dumps. I thought god helps those who try…..so where is the GOD now ????????????????????I am looking for a miracle to happen, I believe in them…………………I have to!

Labyrinth.... by Kate Moss..............

When I first saw this book in London airport, the summary in the book jacket caught my eye and I knew I had to read this book. I was fascinated by the fact that it binds the lives of two women born centuries apart. So when I came back to US I made it a point to read few reviews on the book. Well, since Labyrinth is essentially a religious thriller with focus on Holy Grail comparison to the Da Vinci code is inventible. As a result most of the reviews weren’t really promising.

But for me, I was interested to actually see how the story shuttles back and forth between eras. I wanted to see if the author could do it successfully and stand on its own merit as a religious thriller. Well, as usual my curiosity got better for me and I spend my dollars on buying a hardcover version of the book (read $$$$$).

Armed with a desire to read, I turned one page after another and before I knew I was turning the last few pages of the book. While Labyrinth doesn't move with quite the frenetic pace of Dan Brown's thriller it still manages to keep you hooked. Many reviews complained of it being long slow read, but I think of it as being more involved. I love the way it has been written, seamlessly segueing the movement between time….almost effortlessly tailoring two lives in different centuries. Of course, the end wasn’t as spectacular as I expected……….. however, for me it was a complex, intricately plotted, century spanning tale (words borrowed from one of the reviews, it was so apt that I couldn’t resist using it!)

Beware: This is not a book for historical buffs and for those seeking more information on Holy Grail. It is an interesting read only if you take it for what it is – Fiction…..

I am back....................married now

I am back to the world of blogging, this time around a married woman. Hmmm… I hardly knew when I made this transition of being a girl to being a woman. Well, to tell you the truth I am enjoying being married so far. I had always thought that being with one person 24x7 would be a highly boring proposition. But being with him just makes my appetite for him grow more.

When I look into the mirror, I can see that I look my worst. The marriage completely exhausted me. Post-marriage week was the most hectic one I have ever had in my life. I even pulled down a lotta weight (which is surprising considering the rich food which we were being fed). So the new me presently sports hallow, underfed look and inspite of this when I see a spark flare up in my “Hubby’s” eyes- it just make me wanna croon and hug him tight. Yeah my feelings for him seemed to have reached a whole new level.

May be it’s just the first flush of being a newly wed which is making me so groovy, but I feel like mine is one of those “happily ever after stories” (touchwood). He is a sweetheart and he is mine (and I am his) and some how having this someone in your life to share the things with you just makes you so glad. Simple things - His smile, the way he sneaks in and hugs me, our comfort with our silences, leaning back on him, sitting together and eating………….all make my heart fill.

Truly speaking being married doesn’t actually make much of a difference… we had a strong relationship earlier too and for us getting married was just to tell the whole world that we are committed to each other. But I have to admit that some how tying a knot seems to have increased our comfort levels with each other. Hmmm.. on the other hand both of us just don’t feel married….for us being married meant being old.. and if anything marriage seems to have made us feel a whole lot younger. Yeah yeah! I like being married to this person, I like my heart being full all the time…….