Another attempt at penning the thoughts.. I still write .........

I still write.. but mostly in my mind. There are times when I do open my laptop and decide to write those thoughts down, but before I can do that…….. I drift away to the yonder land of work or chat. Sometimes I almost wish I had that tape-recorder where I could record my thoughts to just pen them later on. I let my vanity at times dwell on those lines and imagine that “if only I had that” I would have made a great writer. Perhaps give a few authors run for the money ;).

Well, ambition is always been one of my greater vices.. I still haven’t done anything worthwhile, yet I would like to. I would like to someday be known well in the circles I work in, known as “ahh the smart gal”…. but mostly someone who is likable but yet successful. Can that every happen?? I dream a lot, and more often than not those dreams drive me and make me what I am perhaps.

This of course doesn’t mean that I don’t currently enjoy my life.. I do actually. I just switched jobs and at the moment I really like what I am doing….. I still am in love with the person I married, even though I burst into tears without reason and am the howler of the century ……….I think I am lucky to have him in my life. I do miss my home in India but hey looks like I have a home here as well now… yes life has been good to me (touchwood) and I am enjoying living it.

Perhaps in this contentment lies in my lethargy of writing on record.. perhaps I may get over it and finally start blogging regularly……………??

Thoughts..constant companion of mine!

I have this weird connection with my brain cells-I think too much. I am constantly thinking about something, even when I am quietest or the loudest I am having this constant conversation with my mind.

For this reason alone I find it difficult to comprehend how some of my friends (especially guys) claim to have those moments of “blankness” when the mind is like a blank canvas. Often when asked the question “So, what are you thinking?” people tend to say “Nothing”. But I think that is gross understatement of facts.

To me my brain is the most unaccountable machinery. The data it processes can range from trivial, crude, stumbling meanderings to the computationally impressive to the occasional creative and inspirational insights. It is a scientifically proven fact that a person’s brain is active all the time, waking and sleeping, producing and shifting between what scientists call “distinct brain wave forms”.

So with such an active brain such as ours it just cannot be possible to have a moment of nothingness.

Thoughts come unbridled always buzzing, humming, soaring, roaring, diving, and then buried in mud. If nothing else I find myself wondering why?

Sometimes I wish I could stop that “lil’ voice” , sometimes I wish I could have those moments of blankness within myself...I want to experience it.! May be that is what people call having peace?? ……. Hmmmmm, That’s something new to think about now!

A tryst with sking

Have you ever felt your bones aching and your muscles (if any) protesting? Today I feel every square inch of my body and oh boy it hurts.

My tryst with Skiing didn’t go down well either with my body or me. I have just one word to describe my skiing skill “Sucks”. For the life of me I could not Ski on my feet. The only skiing (you can also call it sliding) I did was on my poor lil’ butt. Considering the fact that God has not been very generous for this particular part, I was afraid I would wear it down further by sliding again and again on the ice.

Boy oh boy, I was a spectacle to see, the only one in the “beginners class” not to begin at all, Try as I may I could not Ski an inch. I felt like a bugs bunny (a rather unstable one) with my Skis, trying to wade my way through the white stuff called “snow”!

At the end of it all, I threw my beautiful “bright orange” color cap on ground, took the Ski off my iced boots and sat down at a corner gazing longing at those beginner's slope which I could not conquer.

Sigh! I saw a friend of mine (who was also doing this for the first time) Ski on the damned slope so smoothly. I could just sit and stare and think “ahh is there any ice sport which I can do well?” .

I may try this once more again though, I like to think that perhaps its not me- it was one of those unlucky days. But I sure hope second time around will be a charm (like it was with ice-skating for me). May be” try, try, try again” works, if it doesn’t…well I am switching over to snow tubing (hopefully that stops when it supposed to!) ……………..

friends...boon n' bane

Friends… the word by itself means so much… they form over years, bonded to us by those tiny threads of incidents and time shared …. One never knows when those “strangers” become your friends. There are times when these friends and their friendships define life for you.

But today I find myself questioning the strength of them… over time we loose a few along the way.. some just ending coz of loosing in touch and some ending due to other reasons.

I still sometimes look back at one, with a huge regret…. The decision to let go was mine, the relationship hurt too much. So with as much as dignity I could gather I let go…slowly, smoothly. That relationship was lovely while it lasted, but perhaps some friends are better let go…..even if they do take a part of u with them

Today, I think I am about to loose another one who matters….my heart feels heavy, I tell myself “I don’t care” but I think I do. As I think about what we have shared and been through I find myself overwhelmed. I wonder what changed.. subtly something has. May be I have!

I think I no longer take as much effort as I used to ……. “keeping in touch” seems to have lost its meaning on me. I used to keep in touch while I was in school, and now while I am working itz me again. To be fair… this person (X) is not bad either ..when I happen to slag X makes sure we are still going on. I have always considered X to be a boon, but lately I think a feeling of “being taken for granted” is overcoming my senses.

I am not sure if I am being true here.. but I need to sort things out in my mind and for this reason alone, I turn to my “blog” again. Sometimes written words lay the truth out more distinctly ………………………….

Snippet from radio show....snake-dontusethemouth

I decided to venture into the world of blogging once more after a long hiatus. The reasons are many but chief amongst them is my adjustments to working. Yeah! I am working now and it sure keeps me busy. Life has its way of making me dance to its tune and I think I enjoy it.

As days pass by I realize that I can easily become a workaholic. I like working and the fact that I am constantly learning something new keeps me happy. I think the day I stop learning, training … I would be terribly bored with my work. Right now life is at itz glorious best with a great hubby at my side.

Speaking of relationships….. I got this absolutely shocking snippet from a radio show in my email (Type in "snake-dontusethemouth" in google to listen to it). Here an indian wife finds out that her husband is cheating on her, and the conversation that follows afterwards will keep you swinging between shock, disgust and laughter. Mostly shock and disgust though!

Personally I was so disgusted after hearing it that I just felt like taking up arms against bastards like this……Some men can be so callous , itz amazing... makes me wonder how everything ends up to sex... what happens to love which most of the people proclaim aloud their undying love n' looks like as soon as u get bored of the bodily pleasures... ur love also flies out of the window...

Of course I am sure women also cheat …. But I am sure the numbers must be comparatively lesser. I am no feminist.. but may be I am biased to a certain degree… May be I am wrong in my assumption but I just can’t imagine a woman trampling over someone so thoughtlessly.

Woman or man…. No one has a right to break someone’s trust so ruthlessly and feel no remorse for it as well. Listen and see what you think of this whole snippet!!

A prayer

just finished watching the passion of the christ. Never has any movie moved me so deeply as this did. I thought it wouldn't have much effect on me as I am not of the faith. But I found tears rolling down my eyes involuntarily. I think that no one should have faced anything like that. And after facing so much when a person has it in him to ask for forgiveness from his detractors that alone makes him a great soul in my book. It doesn't matter wether I accept his teachings or not, but I still feel that respect for him.

I have always looked at history with speculation as history is usually the victors story. I believe in god .. the power beyond comprehension which dictates us all. I believe all gods are one and that is what ma and pa have taught us to believe. The difference lies in the way we human perceive them. The crux of all the teachings is essentially the same.

After seeing this movie my heart still bleeds for the innocent who fall in the path of righteousness. Tears still flow down my eyes as I write this........

I found myself praying to god that when and if time comes, let god always let me take the right path. When I am dying I want to die knowing that I have lived the life without having shamed anyone else, I hope I always have sense to distinguish between the right and the wrong.

right now I feel ashamed when I think of my moments of greed, lies and jealousy. All that I thought of at those times when I felt those things seem insignificant. How easily we make things which are not actually important to be very important. When I think of it, I know that the part of life which we lead is an illusion.

I don't know if I will ever be a good human being... but I do hope I will be. I hope I never forget my parents who have done so much for me when they age, at the same time I pray to lord to give me strength and determination to do so for "his" as well. I hope I accept "his" as "mine" and treat them as I would mine.

I now I will make mistakes, I know I will be a fool. But I pray that I never knowingly hurt anyone. Please remind me of this prayer whenever I reach crossroads of life, or whenever I stumble on this long path of life. I pray with all my heart and I hope not to forget this prayer of mine.

Florida trip!

Sunny days, parties, drinking, open sea and amazing time- for me all of them will forever remind me of Florida. Yeah, yeah I admit I did have a great time. All my fears, all my worries were rather unfounded and to my surprise I never did think even once about “I hope they think he is lucky”. I forgot everything and just basked in his company.

Oh yeah u betcha I had fun. A rental near the beach was helpful distraction. I am totally burnt, and the tan may take forever to go away (BTW I don’t like having a tan). But I had a great time and I also realized I am a very beach person!! Leave me in water and I could be there for ages. Of course having a hubby who piggy-backs me and tries to catch my legs in water is a great accessory to have in sea. Oh what I would not give to have a ocean view house!!

We went to Universal studios (The Disney world unfortunately was voted by all the guys to be too girlie). But I enjoyed that as well. My favorite was of course Shrek 4D show. I love the movie (both the parts) and have seen them innumerable times. So when I took snaps with the Donkey I was absolutely thrilled to bits. (Oh! I know itz kiddish but what the heck… I enjoy being kid sometimes)

This weekend has US opens on our schedule and we will be off seeing the semi-finals live with a couple of friends. And I just can’t wait for thrusday…my best friend in the whole world is coming for a visit and I am all set to act like a NYC guide (Groan once more.. but for her anything).

Looking forward to more fun …. But have to start looking for a job soon (A big thing on my “TO DO” list) …. More later…………………..

The precious need for approval

I had always believed that opinion of only one person mattered to me – my hubby. But today I realized that it may not be true.

For the long weekend we are off to Florida, and I decided to go and shop for a dress or two (I have never had a sundress/ summer dress, so I thought let me finally have that piece in my wardrobe). So I went with my new found friend/neighbor to mall and ended up buying three things…. None of which won my hubby’s approval.

On one hand I want him to be frank with me, on the other I want him to like my choices! We obviously have very different tastes in clothing and there is no mid way for us. So when he said “No” thrice in a row…. I like a balloon which lost itz air midway through itz flight.

Then I realized that all I want is for him to feel proud of me when we meet his closest friends in Flordia. I know I am being unfair to him as I write this ‘coz he has always been the best and shows in more ways than one of how he cherishes me.

Ours was a love marriage and we had our difficulties in finally winning the precious nod of approval from the family members. In India, his relatives made it more than evident about how they thought “he could have done so much better for himself”, while mine kept telling me that “you are a lucky gal”. I just want someone to tell him that he is lucky too………….. I know it is silly, but I can’t help wishing that someone would come up and only once tell him verbally that he is lucky too.

I know this is sheer vanity on my part..... but am I so bad? In his eyes I can see the love he harbors for me and I know that we both are lucky to have found each other. This by itself should be enough for me but I find that somewhere in my heart I seek approval from someone else as well (someone close to him).


You may wonder what this has to do with my shopping trip or anything… well, I had thought that I had banished this need for “approval” down to the dungeons of my thoughts (where it truly belongs). But today out of blue it held me captive yet again and I found myself thinking “hmmm.. mabbe this time (hopefully) someone may think that he is lucky to have me”.

I am scared that this will someday in future lead to sheer complications in the relationship. But how do I stop myself from thinking all this crap. Trust me I have tried, I manage to shoo the thoughts away, but sometimes this wanting just grips me so hard that it leaves me breathless.

I know I am wrong, I know that I don’t need anyone to tell him anything. I am confident of his love for me, I bask in it….. but yet why do I put myself through this??? WHY?