Friend and emotions!

Today after a long time, I chatted with a friend who was once closest to me. There was a time not long ago when he was the one I turned to when I was low or when I needed a friend. But somewhere down the lane I seem to have moved on. Having one serious relationship seems to leave me with no energy to maintain another intense friendship. I sometimes feel ashamed of myself at having let go of something which I had valued so much. I am amazed at my capacity to get over a person so easily. This trait of mine scares me a little. But if I think of it, I think the reason why I take no effort to keep the closeness of this friendship lies in the fact that I had been hurt a lot once or twice. And that just perhaps broke my heart then a little and now I am scared of getting hurt. I still care a lot for this person (care doesn’t go away …it lingers on) but I just can’t take it to being hurt.

My dad has always called me “a sensitive, emotional girl” and I have to confess I am that and more. I cannot go half hearted into any relationship, be it friendship or love. For me when I care... I care deeply. I had been accused once of being “aloof” by an acquaintance, but I call it “self-preservation”. I have some wonderful friends and each one of them is almost like a family to me. When someone getz a job, to me it feels like I have one…when someone graduates I am delighted (a lil’ wistful abt my graduation I admit, but truly delighted for my friend)….for me each of my close friend is a extension of myself. And when a friend like that hurts me a lot I just have to break the thread for my self-preservation.

I know I am going to get back to being friends with this person I chatted today ‘coz I have been healed. He no longer has the power to hurt me and having my love (rather dramatic) by my side has made me grown as well. But as I write this I think to myself “I take my time to make truly close friends, I am a pain in the ass sometimes myself, I throw tantrums but I really hope I never hurt anyone I love so deeply that they feel the need to stay away from me!!” I pray for this and prayers said from within the heart have a way of being heard (at least that’s what has been told to me).