Dear Anonymous,

Your comment yesterday about my post and in particular the line in it “"But the biggest fear which eats me daily is the fear of falling short of the expectations of one person I really love” set me thinking. Frankly I have never ever analyzed it from “phobophilia” or “the love of fear” perspective and I should say it had me foxed for a moment as the term by itself was really new. And to answer your question – I am not obsessed with this fear and nor do I think about it much. Yeah! Sometimes when in a weak moment (who doesn’t have one) it does crop up and I feel a little apprehensive about the future in general. I won’t say that I manage to shove all the fears off, but I do try to look at it from a “letz see what happens and hey! Itz gonna be good for sure” angle. Oh! I do worry, I won’t deny that but my worries are not the center of my universe. Thankfully I usually have a lotz of things which make worrying all the time a rather difficult thing to do!!


And about the fear of failing HIM, well u bet I have discussed this with him and I also know deep down that it has no foundation and I know that I will be eventually look back and laugh at my well….for the lack of a better word -paranoia. I guess the reason why I think so much is just ‘coz it is all so new to me and I am just trying to find my feet here. Of course, I know we (he & I) will have our downs but more than those I know we will have “ups” and what I feel for him, I see in him is worth …well everything. This fear has just made me look at what I am more closely and thank god for all that she (yeah! I think of god in feminine terms) has given me. I have to admit that these last few months have been one of the best in my life so far which by itself says a lot as I have had the most cherished childhood and amazing friends. This has made me only appreciate better what I have always had and count my blessings even more. I have my share of pondering about stuff but hey! I am like any other person who thinks about things at times and then learns to deal with it.

As far as “phobophilia” I think you would be the best judge for that.

Adios -
Aparna
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Plz: For those curious about the comment herez how it went:

"But the biggest fear which eats me daily is the fear of falling short of the expectations of one person I really love." -- This fear is something that you would love - is it? can someone love their fear? i guess in this case it could be true (phobophilia as it is called is not anything that i came up with right now). Or is it this fear that makes you better and better of a person day by day - let me know on this aspect. This leaves the question on how better are you getting - just to HIM or to all around you?Also, what changes - natural and unnatural (by that it means anything that you consciously put effort for and anything that is spontaneous) - have got rooted up in you due to this fear?Have you expressed this fear of yours to him at any point of time? Well, the blog is public...yeah and that's the reason why i'm bloggggging!!!There is a lot more to blog on this, but the questionnaire has grown too big.