A few fears and dilemmas from my closet

“FUTURE”… this one word holds so much power over all of us. Who hasn’t at some point in their lives wondered about what future holds for them? Being humans we spend most of our present worrying and thinking about our future. We always have and will nurture a fear for unknown, and what is a bigger unknown than one’s own future? I remember once having read a talk by C.F. Kettering and thinking how true he was about man’s fascination by future when he said "My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of my life there”. This of courses strikes a chord within me more now as I often catch myself thinking and pondering about how my future is going be. I have tried to stop this of course with rather unsuccessful attempts. I suppose all these thinking wheels are turning in this direction ‘coz the next few coming months are gonna bring with it a whole lot of changes!! I will not only be graduating from school (forever leaving the happy abode of student-hood) but also be making a transition from being a girl to a woman.

I worry about me getting a job which I like (I have alwaz been passionate about doing only things which I like to do)… of liking and enjoying my work. I would hate to make a compromise where my work is concerned (alwaz wanted to be good at what I do but I do loose track as everyone else...only more often), I have prided myself (mabbe falsely so at times) at doing what I have wanted to do, so when I think of the future I am frankly petrified.. I have never worked… and ‘coz of this fear I keep thinking –“Maybe I should go ahead and apply for PhD”. But I also know I will never do that ‘coz I can’t imagine doing something so huge without a real passion for it. Of course, I know I will eventually get a good job (I am sure I am smart enough to land up with one) but I just hope I get one which I enjoy as well. I know I worry about this un-necessarily but well who can have a hold on “Mr.Worry” who goes and comes as and when he wants!!!!

But the biggest fear which eats me daily is the fear of falling short of the expectations of one person I really love. We will be getting married sometime next year and it just scares me shitless. Having never been in a real relationship before this I have no idea how to deal with this constant fluttering in my heart and these constant highs and lows I experience. I feel like I am in an emotional roller coaster. In addition to this, every time I call up home I am asked about how I want my wedding to be, what I would want to buy, would I like to wear a saree or a lehenga (Indian dresses)…hope u get the flow. It is just driving me nuts. The Indian marriages are expensive and mine I guess will be no exception. You have a whole lot of rituals and truck load of dresses and jewelry involved. The marriage by itself is a costly affair with people whom you have never seen attending it (‘coz of course they are related to you in some far off manner). The guilt of making my parents spend so much is tearing me apart. I keep wishing I was working and that way I could share the burden. I know how much cash-crunch my parents will have to go through. I also know that every Indian parent goes through the same but I really don’t like the whole idea. Somewhere down the lane I have started to feel sad about the whole marriage thing. Make no mistake here… I love him too much and I know he is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. When I imagine myself 50 years from now I see a old lady with wrinkles running hither-thither but I also see by my side him, looking at me in the same way he looks at me now. I know marrying him is the right thing to do… ‘coz I feel it in my heart. But at the same time I wish I could just have a simple small wedding with a few people whom we care for... where I won’t have to wear gold jewelry (which I don’t even like) and smile my way through when my heart is heavy with the knowledge that my parents had to struggle to make it happen. I may be over-reacting perhaps (all Indian gals go through this kind of marriage) but in my heart it just aches more daily. Why??? I wish I was smart enough to sort these feelings by myself but I find myself unable to do so and I wish I could be brave enough to tell my parents that this is not what I would like. But I know in doing so I would hurt them deeply (‘coz parents being parents want to give me the best in everything and would just shrug off the costs) and hurting my parents has never been an option, I love them too deeply and too much to do anything which would make them feel sad. So all I can do now is to sit back and let the things go the way they are right now. I am ashamed that I am not brave enough to voice my feelings to the people I love the most in this world, but I just can’t bring myself to hurt them, itz better that I hurt myself than hurt anyone who matters to me !!!!