Blog...is it serious writing?

One of my closest friends chooses to call my blog "A relationship blog" and of course takes a great pleasure in pointing out the "grammatical" mistakes in them. Well, according to him blog is serious piece of writing which needs more thought process and lot more serious churning out of thoughts. And I would hate to say anything against his opinions (well, u see friends argue but in the end don’t disagree in public n’ he is one of my closest buddies) but I just can’t seem reach a common census with him on this. I have to admit I did get started on this “blogging” idea by reading his blogs but seems like I have an entirely different view about writing than him. I would rather write about stuff which I believe in and which I feel like talking about, things close to my heart than write about say “President Bush promising to rebuild New Orleans” or “Federer winning the US opens” etc. I know a lot of you may disagree on this point of mine but hey I think the newspapers are doing a good enough job of conveying the news to us. I think I would rather read a blog which says why he/she thinks (or doesn’t think) that Bush is a racist and why he/she thinks Federer plays like he does. The bottom line is giving your opinion about things that matter to you or that occupies your thoughts at the moment. After all isn’t a blog defined as “AN ONLINE JOURNAL”? I hence protest at labeling any blog space as “current affairs” or “crappy” or “relationship” blog!! (unless of course the person mentions that it is so) I simply hate to think a about what I wanna write in my blog space. I prefer it being a spontaneous outflow of emotions.. I would rather have my blog be called as “personal” than be called “a relationship” blog ‘coz that’s what it is!! I write my blog for myself not for anyone else. Of course I do appreciate others opinions….it helps me analyze things better and look at things from different perspective. I admit having a big fault in me ..I don’t always agree n’ hear with what others say but hey u know what blogging has made me to think about other’s view too!!!

As far as grammatical errors are concerned....well, I am not a great writer.. heck! I don’t even consider myself a good writer. I just write as I think and mabbe I think of sentences which tons of errors but hey who gives a heck. I would rather write the way I speak (in colloquial terms which I use) than write in “Microsoft word”, conduct a spell check and re-read what I have written to check for errors …. when I do that I feel like I am writing a technical write-up or a report, n’ for me that just takes away the pleasure of writing. It steals the soul of an article or a write up and makes it just another piece of work. I write ‘coz I love writing and not ‘coz I have to write. I may never be labeled a good writer or a grammatically precise one but I will at least always have the satisfaction of having written things which come out as an honest reflection of things which I believe in. And I hope a time will come when I do become a person who can write stuff “readable, enjoyable and believable”. I write blog ‘coz I wanna know if there are other people out there who think like I do and also of those who don’t. I want to broaden my horizon and reach out to see how others think, analyze and write. In doing so I hope to become a better …… well everything (who knows in the process I may even improve my grammatical skills).

On contrary to what this article suggests I am open to criticism, I will agree when I am wrong. But in this case I don't think being perfect and precise is important! I think what is more important is ability to put thoughts in a manner which says to the reader what it was actually was meant to!!So herez an open question to all…. Do u think a blog has to be precise and accurate or do u think like I do? ??? I would love to hear your say on this... with or without grammatical errors :).

What does USA make??

A few weeks earlier I ordered an item worth 10 dollars off the net and after I had ordered I would go back home eagerly hoping to find the package snugly waiting for me. But alas! It took itz own sweet time arriving and I assumed (rather logically I think) that this delay was due to the onslaught of our now famous hurricane “Katrina” in and around the area of my residence. Finally yesterday when I had all but assumed the package to be lost somewhere in transition I got it (Hurray!!) but along with the package also came the realization that the reason for this delay of over a month may not lay entirely with madam Katrina. Would u believe it when I say that an item worth just 10 dollars was shipped all the way from Malaysia? My roommate who received the package was all but dying of curiosity to know what I had received from of all the far off places in world “Malaysia.”. Imagine her contrite when she realized it was just a simple “non-exotic” everyday life thing!!

Well, this suddenly inspired me to look at everything I had bought ever since I came to US of A (of course in this 20% was due to pure inspiration and the rest was due to sheer joblessness on my part) And this put forth a surprising discovery. Amongst the things which I had amassed here in past 2 years not a single …lemme reemphasize not a single tinne-winne thing was “MADE IN USA”. Most of the stuff was invariably made in China (no surprises there), and almost of my dresses were either made in Mexico or hold your breath ......“Vietnam”. My favorite skirt (one of my first Gap purchases) sported the proud label of “made in India” (my sweet country) and all my shoes have the label “Made in Taiwan”

But hey I am not here to give you an list of all things I owe rather I just wanted to share something which I have been thinking ever since “is anything made in US of A at all??” and also “why does US find it cheaper to export these things rather than make it here?” . To satisfy this curiosity I dug deeper and found to my surprise that most of these countries which exported to US had one thing common amongst them. All of them have developing private or non-state sector, there is marked price liberalization in their domestic market, and there is relaxation of government control and central planning, privatization of state-owned enterprises, and development of the legal framework for private business. Plus the biggest advantage of all “low price labor”. Indeed I had finally understood the meaning of the word “Globalization” and understood how these countries could make a profit by shipping even things worth just 10 bucks all the way to US. But, I am still trying to get a grip on understanding how the US economy and its people benefit from this “globalization” ‘coz as I see it from a layman’s perspective it seems like a lot of industry right here in US of A may have its sales effected and a lot of jobs lost if this trend of “market liberalization” continues to paw more and more fields. I am sure as I read more I may feel like a fool for not understanding the long term “benefits” of importing….well almost everything from another country meanwhile all help on this topic will be appreciated and hey I really would love to know “What does US make?”

Dear Anonymous,

Your comment yesterday about my post and in particular the line in it “"But the biggest fear which eats me daily is the fear of falling short of the expectations of one person I really love” set me thinking. Frankly I have never ever analyzed it from “phobophilia” or “the love of fear” perspective and I should say it had me foxed for a moment as the term by itself was really new. And to answer your question – I am not obsessed with this fear and nor do I think about it much. Yeah! Sometimes when in a weak moment (who doesn’t have one) it does crop up and I feel a little apprehensive about the future in general. I won’t say that I manage to shove all the fears off, but I do try to look at it from a “letz see what happens and hey! Itz gonna be good for sure” angle. Oh! I do worry, I won’t deny that but my worries are not the center of my universe. Thankfully I usually have a lotz of things which make worrying all the time a rather difficult thing to do!!


And about the fear of failing HIM, well u bet I have discussed this with him and I also know deep down that it has no foundation and I know that I will be eventually look back and laugh at my well….for the lack of a better word -paranoia. I guess the reason why I think so much is just ‘coz it is all so new to me and I am just trying to find my feet here. Of course, I know we (he & I) will have our downs but more than those I know we will have “ups” and what I feel for him, I see in him is worth …well everything. This fear has just made me look at what I am more closely and thank god for all that she (yeah! I think of god in feminine terms) has given me. I have to admit that these last few months have been one of the best in my life so far which by itself says a lot as I have had the most cherished childhood and amazing friends. This has made me only appreciate better what I have always had and count my blessings even more. I have my share of pondering about stuff but hey! I am like any other person who thinks about things at times and then learns to deal with it.

As far as “phobophilia” I think you would be the best judge for that.

Adios -
Aparna
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Plz: For those curious about the comment herez how it went:

"But the biggest fear which eats me daily is the fear of falling short of the expectations of one person I really love." -- This fear is something that you would love - is it? can someone love their fear? i guess in this case it could be true (phobophilia as it is called is not anything that i came up with right now). Or is it this fear that makes you better and better of a person day by day - let me know on this aspect. This leaves the question on how better are you getting - just to HIM or to all around you?Also, what changes - natural and unnatural (by that it means anything that you consciously put effort for and anything that is spontaneous) - have got rooted up in you due to this fear?Have you expressed this fear of yours to him at any point of time? Well, the blog is public...yeah and that's the reason why i'm bloggggging!!!There is a lot more to blog on this, but the questionnaire has grown too big.

A few fears and dilemmas from my closet

“FUTURE”… this one word holds so much power over all of us. Who hasn’t at some point in their lives wondered about what future holds for them? Being humans we spend most of our present worrying and thinking about our future. We always have and will nurture a fear for unknown, and what is a bigger unknown than one’s own future? I remember once having read a talk by C.F. Kettering and thinking how true he was about man’s fascination by future when he said "My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of my life there”. This of courses strikes a chord within me more now as I often catch myself thinking and pondering about how my future is going be. I have tried to stop this of course with rather unsuccessful attempts. I suppose all these thinking wheels are turning in this direction ‘coz the next few coming months are gonna bring with it a whole lot of changes!! I will not only be graduating from school (forever leaving the happy abode of student-hood) but also be making a transition from being a girl to a woman.

I worry about me getting a job which I like (I have alwaz been passionate about doing only things which I like to do)… of liking and enjoying my work. I would hate to make a compromise where my work is concerned (alwaz wanted to be good at what I do but I do loose track as everyone else...only more often), I have prided myself (mabbe falsely so at times) at doing what I have wanted to do, so when I think of the future I am frankly petrified.. I have never worked… and ‘coz of this fear I keep thinking –“Maybe I should go ahead and apply for PhD”. But I also know I will never do that ‘coz I can’t imagine doing something so huge without a real passion for it. Of course, I know I will eventually get a good job (I am sure I am smart enough to land up with one) but I just hope I get one which I enjoy as well. I know I worry about this un-necessarily but well who can have a hold on “Mr.Worry” who goes and comes as and when he wants!!!!

But the biggest fear which eats me daily is the fear of falling short of the expectations of one person I really love. We will be getting married sometime next year and it just scares me shitless. Having never been in a real relationship before this I have no idea how to deal with this constant fluttering in my heart and these constant highs and lows I experience. I feel like I am in an emotional roller coaster. In addition to this, every time I call up home I am asked about how I want my wedding to be, what I would want to buy, would I like to wear a saree or a lehenga (Indian dresses)…hope u get the flow. It is just driving me nuts. The Indian marriages are expensive and mine I guess will be no exception. You have a whole lot of rituals and truck load of dresses and jewelry involved. The marriage by itself is a costly affair with people whom you have never seen attending it (‘coz of course they are related to you in some far off manner). The guilt of making my parents spend so much is tearing me apart. I keep wishing I was working and that way I could share the burden. I know how much cash-crunch my parents will have to go through. I also know that every Indian parent goes through the same but I really don’t like the whole idea. Somewhere down the lane I have started to feel sad about the whole marriage thing. Make no mistake here… I love him too much and I know he is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. When I imagine myself 50 years from now I see a old lady with wrinkles running hither-thither but I also see by my side him, looking at me in the same way he looks at me now. I know marrying him is the right thing to do… ‘coz I feel it in my heart. But at the same time I wish I could just have a simple small wedding with a few people whom we care for... where I won’t have to wear gold jewelry (which I don’t even like) and smile my way through when my heart is heavy with the knowledge that my parents had to struggle to make it happen. I may be over-reacting perhaps (all Indian gals go through this kind of marriage) but in my heart it just aches more daily. Why??? I wish I was smart enough to sort these feelings by myself but I find myself unable to do so and I wish I could be brave enough to tell my parents that this is not what I would like. But I know in doing so I would hurt them deeply (‘coz parents being parents want to give me the best in everything and would just shrug off the costs) and hurting my parents has never been an option, I love them too deeply and too much to do anything which would make them feel sad. So all I can do now is to sit back and let the things go the way they are right now. I am ashamed that I am not brave enough to voice my feelings to the people I love the most in this world, but I just can’t bring myself to hurt them, itz better that I hurt myself than hurt anyone who matters to me !!!!

Love bites but indiscretion does more........

Yesterday being Thursday - not much awaited Friday (Yippee finally it is Friday today) and thankfully not dreary Monday.... my roomies and I settled on seeing an age old Indian Hindi movie "Utsav". Directed by one of my favorite theatre personalities Girish Karnad (Oh! Most of his plays are amazing) I was all set to be entertained by this “very famous” movie. There is no doubt that the both actresses in this movie Rekha and Anuradha Patel looked absolutely “delicious”, stunningly so at times but what actually caught my attention towards the end was something entirely different. In the movie Rekha has a torrid affair with Anuradha’s husband and when Anuradha comes to know of this she not only accepts it (like a good ol’ Indian wife) but also welcomes Rekha with open hands. Of course she claimed to have many reasons for it, the most important one being that their (Anuradha’s n’ her hubby’s) sex life improved dramatically ever since that indiscretion.

Now this set me thinking…Could it be possible for a woman to accept the presence of another woman in her man’s life irrespective of the benefits it may hold? Of course I have heard of the argument that love and sex are two different things and I agree with it too. I do believe that you can have sex without love and I also know that physical attraction is an amazing force sometimes too strong and too easy to give in to. But I also believe that when you love a person you cannot bring yourself to betray him and from my “very-Indian” view point sleeping with someone else when you are in a relationship is equivalent to doing so. Yeah may be my outlook towards this topic may be a little clouded n’ outdated ‘coz I have been brought up in a society which looks at anything sexual before marriage as a “sin” and “taboo”. But irrespective of this having intimacy with any one else other than “him” just doesn’t feel right in my heart and soul and I suppose that when anyone betrays their soul all they are left after the excitement dies down is a gnawing feeling of guilt. I know I couldn’t n wouldn’t do it…..not only ‘coz of the guilt factor but also ‘coz I simply cannot think of anyone else in those terms (yeah! I am lovesick puppy).

Now coming back to the topic of accepting the other women…. I know loving “him” as I do…. I cannot tolerate the thought of him with anyone else. Gosh! I can’t believe I sound so possessive but what the heck when I am true he better be that too. And if in case he slips I know then he never loved me enough. I have no hang ups about him flirting with girls, appreciating the looks of any woman or going out with another woman once in while but I draw a line for anything beyond it. I know he loves me too much and I am secure in this love of his but even just supposing a hypothetical situation makes my blood boil!! And I really can’t see how any women would be able to forgive her man’s indiscretion and accept him back into her fold. I know it is often said that “To forgive is to truly love” but pardon me if I ask- “would a man do the same? Would he turn a blind eye to his woman’s slip? Would he??” and of course isn’t it true that trust once betrayed is almost impossible to build again? I know for me it is a scenario with only one end – “Heartbreak and an utter sense of betrayal and loss”… I cannot and will not ever tolerate anything like this however much I love the person, however much I hurt myself in the process. After a lotta thinking I think I can at least lay out a few main ingredients for a successful relationship and they are: love, trust, respect and integrity. And to say anything more would be sheer redundancy, hence for now at this point I rest my case and my thoughts.

Freud Theory

Today long after that little cajoling from my dearest I decided the time had finally come for me to look up on the “Freudian” theory. Frankly I expected it to be one of those really YAWN theories floating around. But to my surprise once I started reading about it I haven’t been able to stop. What really fascinates me is Freud’s argument that there is a large part of the mind that can’t be consciously known; and it is this unconscious part of the mind has an impact on human behavior. Wow.. doesn’t that sound cool? Well, if u do think about it a lil’ more u would realize that it is in more ways than one true. I am sure that all of us have at some point taken unconscious decisions which directly reflect on us. What about our “Mr. Conscious” who decides to kick in at the oddest time possible? Wouldn’t all that signify a presence of the unconsciousness portion of our mind which plays a major role in defining what we are and how we act? Well, there have been arguments supporting and criticizing the theory but no one can deny that it was Freud’s theory at the turn of century which set basis for psychoanalysis. Of course I wouldn’t wanna comment anymore about it simply ‘coz I don’t really know enough (Though I intend to)!!. And before I continue in my quest to know more about it lemme give u some fodder for thought in Freud’s own words :
“"Look into the depths of your own soul and learn first to know yourself, then you will understand why this illness was bound to come upon you and perhaps you will thenceforth avoid falling ill."

lil' rambling about being a Veggie !!

As soon as I decided to set sail for US of A I had people telling me how tough it would be for me culturally, how I may experience a culture shock (Blah! I had my first culture shock when I went back to bangalore for a hol this time) and how I was supposed to speak slowly 'coz "those Americans" can't catch on with our usual speed (am yet to find an evidence of that). But not one of those people ever warned me how it would be a big struggle to remain a "Veggie" here. In the land which is rumored to have everything one thing which is rather rare to come by is a good veggie meal. My first experience with the uniqueness of "Vegetarianism" was when I went to Mc Donald's on my first day and naively ordered a cheese burger not realizing that here any "burger" is usually a "Ham burger". Alas! That particular burger (worth 2 $ i.e. 2*43 rupees to a fresh desi ) went down into the bin and trust me I was ready to cry for wasting so much cash on something I never got to eat. Hmmm.... as time went by ... I started having a intense love affair with the potato wedges and ketchup. I would go to a pizza place and eat cheese or veggie sub and of course those fries. All the restaurants I went to I had my fav. food ('coz I could eat nothing else). But turning to a non-veg was never an option and before you draw conclusions it isn't 'coz my religion forbids it (which it doesn't) itz just 'coz I am against killing animals to eat. I just happen to choose the way of vegetarian living out of choice and it has never been possible for me to go against what I feel very strongly about!
And after a lotta fumbling and grumbling about "how hard it is to be a Veggie here" I finally learned to ask for substituting those chicken with onions and bell peppers. And that my dear friends has opened a whole new world of eat-outs for me.... I now can go any place and know that I can have something other than those (now dreaded) potato wedges and eat those exotic sounding dishes (with subtlle changes in recipe's of course). Yum...... I am now ready and armed with a full stomach to face the world.
Thats all i have to say ...but as an ending line ..lemme add a note to all those people out there who smirk at Veggies ....Think of how much will power and perseverance it requires to remain one... and then u will know why "vegetarian life" is claimed to be the best kinda life by a rare few!

Being dark skinned Indian

A few weeks back while doing random "google-ing" I came across this website of Dove (yeah the soap makers) called the campaign for real beauty. Curious to know how they defined "real beauty" I ventured into the site half expecting it be yet another promotion of the "Dove" product . But, I was in for a surprise! Though the campaign is infact an Ad... It does explore and try to redefine the word "real beauty". The campaign talks about how any women is beautiful and how beauty comes with acceptance. They deviate from the standard definition of a prefect figure 36-26-36 and talk about how the being normal is beautiful. How there is beauty in everyone, itz just that we have to look more closely to discover it.
Reading about the standards set by the society abt beauty lead me to think a couple of things which I hadn't thought for a long time now.... Going down the memory lane..I still remember the time when I was younger and mocked for being darker than most of the Indian gals. I remember coming back home and crying ( I would never cry in school ..u c I had too much pride to let them know they got me) wanting never to go back to school. I hated school and I couldn't understand why those people could never c that I was smarter than most, that I had a height which some would die for and my features if not pretty were not repelling to the eye. I would stand in front of the mirror and wonder why I couldn't have looked better, why I couldn't have been fair. But, as I grew up thanks to my mom I learned to accept myself as I am and know that I am good looking by my own rights! But, well some invisible scars still remain. I still have a problem accepting compliments about my looks and I still manage to find a million flaws in me physically (driving my BF crazy with a discussion abt the same). And whenever I go back home to India the feelings seem to seep right back in. The last time I went I was asked by a few people to get married fast 'coz being dark would probably pose a big problem. Infact my own uncle told me -"Good ur smart and educated so even with your complexion u will have a good chance". Blah! Who wants to get married to a person who is so hell bent on the outer looks? Also, I know of a few gals who are darker than me, but ...Wow...They are amazingly hot.
Why is that most of the Indian guys alwaz want a great looking gal with an amazing figure when they themselves have nothing to write home about? Why is the society so hell bent on defining the looks as good or bad? When will we realize that every person is beautiful and all you need to do is to know the person for the person? When will the women really be liberated from the limiting standards of beauty and sexiness?? Hopefully there will come some day when the man will be truly liberated from the confines of the closed mind and recognize the beauty in true sense.

Hmm... A lil' about "Potter"

I know this may not be in the current affairs.. But I just spent a few hours in my long weekend watching all 3 "Harry Potter" movies.. infact just got off seeing the last one. Now that I have read all the "Potter" books and seen all the movies I couldn't help but draw some parallels between them and now the very famous Tolkien's "Lord of the Rings". Would it be wrong to say that there is a great bit of similarity between the "dead eaters, nazuoll " n' "dementors"? And what about "house elves" n' "gollum" both potrayed as small pitiable things speaking in third person. Infact when you think of it even "Sauron" and "Voldermont" seem to have undeniable similarity of being the "dark lord" who want their shape back. I am sure there are many more such ones but it is not my intention to degrade Ms.Rowling's writing.
On contrary I think she is absolutely brilliant in her writing and creativity making of us "muggles" (including me) await the seventh book. Nevertheless I refuse to give her full points for originality and I would say some of it is inspired. Of course, I do know there is constant debate about who is better Rowling or Tolkein? Well, personally I think both are a class by themselves. But given a choice I would anyday be partial to Tolkein not only 'coz he was the first with such a fascinating idea of "other world" but also, 'coz his imagination and skills are so phenomenal that it could inspire anyone ..Including (perhaps unintentionally so) "Rowling". Well, the we can debate about it and everyone is entitled to have an opinion, but, I truly think that to a person who has read both the works it would be very evident who is the master and who the student.
Meanwhile as the world debates abt it ..... I would just like to be "Hermonie" the gustiest witch with a whole lotta attitude and looks..... :)

Ahem! Ahem! My first attempt at a Blog

Surprisingly it was only very recently that I read my first Blog and the idea immediately appealed to me. Ever since I remember I have had an incredible urge to analyze stuff more deeply than usual..But hey before u start drawing conclusions I plead sanity...Anyways blogging just held the right kind of appeal to me and here I am typing in my first blog.
Now making a blog seems easy, but it took me whole 10 mins to actually think of a name for my blog spot and u have to admit that's a long time.. Yeah "kabhi here kabhi there" seems so apt to define a place where I would write my thoughts and opinions 'coz life as someone dear tol' me yesterday "is not alwaz black or white..." And that's what this blog is all about..itz neither here nor there... itz just somewhere ard trying to formulate into something more meaningful, more concrete.. Something which allows me to reach out to other similar minds.. And expand my horizons...An attempt to knowing myself and others..
And that my frnds is enough food for thought and lemme rest this at this note..adios amingos.....

Plz.... as a ending note I acknowledge 2 people who originally inspried me to start writing the blog.... my close frnd.. Kanishk n' my roomie... Sirisha....:)