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Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Snippet from radio show....snake-dontusethemouth

I decided to venture into the world of blogging once more after a long hiatus. The reasons are many but chief amongst them is my adjustments to working. Yeah! I am working now and it sure keeps me busy. Life has its way of making me dance to its tune and I think I enjoy it.

As days pass by I realize that I can easily become a workaholic. I like working and the fact that I am constantly learning something new keeps me happy. I think the day I stop learning, training … I would be terribly bored with my work. Right now life is at itz glorious best with a great hubby at my side.

Speaking of relationships….. I got this absolutely shocking snippet from a radio show in my email (Type in "snake-dontusethemouth" in google to listen to it). Here an indian wife finds out that her husband is cheating on her, and the conversation that follows afterwards will keep you swinging between shock, disgust and laughter. Mostly shock and disgust though!

Personally I was so disgusted after hearing it that I just felt like taking up arms against bastards like this……Some men can be so callous , itz amazing... makes me wonder how everything ends up to sex... what happens to love which most of the people proclaim aloud their undying love n' looks like as soon as u get bored of the bodily pleasures... ur love also flies out of the window...

Of course I am sure women also cheat …. But I am sure the numbers must be comparatively lesser. I am no feminist.. but may be I am biased to a certain degree… May be I am wrong in my assumption but I just can’t imagine a woman trampling over someone so thoughtlessly.

Woman or man…. No one has a right to break someone’s trust so ruthlessly and feel no remorse for it as well. Listen and see what you think of this whole snippet!!

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

A prayer

just finished watching the passion of the christ. Never has any movie moved me so deeply as this did. I thought it wouldn't have much effect on me as I am not of the faith. But I found tears rolling down my eyes involuntarily. I think that no one should have faced anything like that. And after facing so much when a person has it in him to ask for forgiveness from his detractors that alone makes him a great soul in my book. It doesn't matter wether I accept his teachings or not, but I still feel that respect for him.

I have always looked at history with speculation as history is usually the victors story. I believe in god .. the power beyond comprehension which dictates us all. I believe all gods are one and that is what ma and pa have taught us to believe. The difference lies in the way we human perceive them. The crux of all the teachings is essentially the same.

After seeing this movie my heart still bleeds for the innocent who fall in the path of righteousness. Tears still flow down my eyes as I write this........

I found myself praying to god that when and if time comes, let god always let me take the right path. When I am dying I want to die knowing that I have lived the life without having shamed anyone else, I hope I always have sense to distinguish between the right and the wrong.

right now I feel ashamed when I think of my moments of greed, lies and jealousy. All that I thought of at those times when I felt those things seem insignificant. How easily we make things which are not actually important to be very important. When I think of it, I know that the part of life which we lead is an illusion.

I don't know if I will ever be a good human being... but I do hope I will be. I hope I never forget my parents who have done so much for me when they age, at the same time I pray to lord to give me strength and determination to do so for "his" as well. I hope I accept "his" as "mine" and treat them as I would mine.

I now I will make mistakes, I know I will be a fool. But I pray that I never knowingly hurt anyone. Please remind me of this prayer whenever I reach crossroads of life, or whenever I stumble on this long path of life. I pray with all my heart and I hope not to forget this prayer of mine.

Friday, September 08, 2006

Florida trip!

Sunny days, parties, drinking, open sea and amazing time- for me all of them will forever remind me of Florida. Yeah, yeah I admit I did have a great time. All my fears, all my worries were rather unfounded and to my surprise I never did think even once about “I hope they think he is lucky”. I forgot everything and just basked in his company.

Oh yeah u betcha I had fun. A rental near the beach was helpful distraction. I am totally burnt, and the tan may take forever to go away (BTW I don’t like having a tan). But I had a great time and I also realized I am a very beach person!! Leave me in water and I could be there for ages. Of course having a hubby who piggy-backs me and tries to catch my legs in water is a great accessory to have in sea. Oh what I would not give to have a ocean view house!!

We went to Universal studios (The Disney world unfortunately was voted by all the guys to be too girlie). But I enjoyed that as well. My favorite was of course Shrek 4D show. I love the movie (both the parts) and have seen them innumerable times. So when I took snaps with the Donkey I was absolutely thrilled to bits. (Oh! I know itz kiddish but what the heck… I enjoy being kid sometimes)

This weekend has US opens on our schedule and we will be off seeing the semi-finals live with a couple of friends. And I just can’t wait for thrusday…my best friend in the whole world is coming for a visit and I am all set to act like a NYC guide (Groan once more.. but for her anything).

Looking forward to more fun …. But have to start looking for a job soon (A big thing on my “TO DO” list) …. More later…………………..

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

The precious need for approval

I had always believed that opinion of only one person mattered to me – my hubby. But today I realized that it may not be true.

For the long weekend we are off to Florida, and I decided to go and shop for a dress or two (I have never had a sundress/ summer dress, so I thought let me finally have that piece in my wardrobe). So I went with my new found friend/neighbor to mall and ended up buying three things…. None of which won my hubby’s approval.

On one hand I want him to be frank with me, on the other I want him to like my choices! We obviously have very different tastes in clothing and there is no mid way for us. So when he said “No” thrice in a row…. I like a balloon which lost itz air midway through itz flight.

Then I realized that all I want is for him to feel proud of me when we meet his closest friends in Flordia. I know I am being unfair to him as I write this ‘coz he has always been the best and shows in more ways than one of how he cherishes me.

Ours was a love marriage and we had our difficulties in finally winning the precious nod of approval from the family members. In India, his relatives made it more than evident about how they thought “he could have done so much better for himself”, while mine kept telling me that “you are a lucky gal”. I just want someone to tell him that he is lucky too………….. I know it is silly, but I can’t help wishing that someone would come up and only once tell him verbally that he is lucky too.

I know this is sheer vanity on my part..... but am I so bad? In his eyes I can see the love he harbors for me and I know that we both are lucky to have found each other. This by itself should be enough for me but I find that somewhere in my heart I seek approval from someone else as well (someone close to him).


You may wonder what this has to do with my shopping trip or anything… well, I had thought that I had banished this need for “approval” down to the dungeons of my thoughts (where it truly belongs). But today out of blue it held me captive yet again and I found myself thinking “hmmm.. mabbe this time (hopefully) someone may think that he is lucky to have me”.

I am scared that this will someday in future lead to sheer complications in the relationship. But how do I stop myself from thinking all this crap. Trust me I have tried, I manage to shoo the thoughts away, but sometimes this wanting just grips me so hard that it leaves me breathless.

I know I am wrong, I know that I don’t need anyone to tell him anything. I am confident of his love for me, I bask in it….. but yet why do I put myself through this??? WHY?

Friday, August 25, 2006

Those school days!

“Pinafore, double plaits, socks pulled up and red ribbons” are the first things which come to my mind when I think of my school. It evokes the memories of the best of times and the worst of times.

It was in school I was first made to realize I was a dark skinned Indian (and somehow that belittled me in eyes of some of those “fair skinned ones). It was there when I first realized that studies came easily to me. My love for reading went from strength to strength in those school years.

Being always a teacher’s pet made me an eyesore for many. I was considered what you may call nerd, I still made some great friends and still managed to turn out “OK” (atleast I hope so).

Having an Army background allowed me to have a variety in schools. I met different kinds of people from different walks of life, some of whom I cared for deeply, some whom I didn’t. I learn to be nonchalant about people saying crap about you and I learned to appreciate friends and friendship better.

I still don’t know if I was a very likable person in school… but I was in peace with myself and that I think could be counted as a good thing. Of course, I had my days of “Oh lord help me” but then they would sweep away equally fast!

I loved ribbons on my hair, I liked to dream about some day meeting someone who would actually see the “true me”, I had the most vivid imagination and thought the world was mine. I was fat then but it never bothered me, I was confident about myself. The worrying about gaining weight came in only later, but those years I was blissfully unaware that world liked thin, svelte females.

Unfortunately I wasn’t one of those “popular” kids, I secretly wished I was.. however, my pride held me back from changing myself to fit in the crowd. Today I am glad of it. There are many things in my past which I would like to go back and change but my school days are certainly not one of them. Popular or not I loved those days and would happily go back to them without a second thought!

Friday, August 18, 2006

So what attracts u?

“Attraction” is such an abstract word. It has different meanings for different people.

To me the word “attraction” was a highly overrated one word till I found myself “oh-ahhing” in my 10th grade over one singly handsome actor. From then on I found the word applied not only to cute guys but to many other aspects of the life. Today I explore the few attractions which make my life colorful!

Of course, “SALE” sign makes my heart rate increase and I always experience this irresistible urge to just “pop” into the stores “just for a second”. (It ends up reflecting on my credit card for sure)

Very recently I have found myself being attracted to bright colored books.book. I have always been a voracious reader and finding myself picking up books simply because they have “bright” covers is something I still haven’t been able to decipher. But this has certainly brought in a sense of adventure to my reading, I seem to be reading a whole new range of books, one day an autobiography followed by a chick flick the very next.

My 31” HDTV just mesmerizes me, I find myself staring into its screen for long hours (mabbe itz got something to me being currently a homemaker?)

Amongst various other things “Choclate ice-cream” makes me weak on my knees. I find myself grappling at it every week (damn! My promises to junk the junk always goes down the drain).

Oh! I also find the “back profile” of men very interesting (Jeez I sound so freaking sleazy) but well truth can’t be denied!

But the most attractive of them all for me is my hubby darl’ (predicable ain’t it?) I just can’t stop thinking how lucky I am!

And at this note I end this blog of mine with a rather simple question to anyone who is reading this - " So what does the word bring to you?"

Friday, August 11, 2006

World trade center - Movie




Would I like to a movie about 9/11?

I can frankly say that I find the idea of a movie based on the event pretty disturbing. Every time I pass by WTC I have a sense of sadness engulf me. I am always overwhelmed and I stop for a minute or two to thank god for everything she has given me.

To imagine that the place would affect me so much is nothing short of amazing. I am not an American, I wasn’t even there when this happened and it really didn’t affect me any way. But some places have an aura which surrounds them and WTC is one place which is hard to ignore.

Scores of humanity rumbled into dust, a war resulted and a hollow right at the heart of city. Oh yeah! The place has a way of saying “look what has happened here, look how we far we humans have leaped ahead!” And when I see the trailers of the movie "world trade center, 9/11" on the TV, I feel something squeeze my heart. One part of me wants to see the movie, see if it really manages to move me as much as the ground zero does. However, another part, a much stronger one refuses to shies away from experiencing the images of “what may have happened”.

Am I wrong on my refusal to watch the movie? I don’t know the answer to that, but I do know I am not ready for it…… as yet!

Thursday, July 06, 2006

New happenings and soccer!

Life has been so hectic lately that I never really got time to blog (oh yeah itz true…. Things like this do happen!)

Amongst the various things which happened to me in that period of “No Blogging” the most important was the fact that I defended (finally) and moved to NJ/NYC.

As far as the thesis defense goes.. mine was a smooth sailing, I was able to answer all the questions and I think the time I took to defend was well worth it. Oh yeah! The joy in knowing that you have done a good job in unparalleled.

And with that student phase of life now behind me, I don on the new avatar of “A Housewife” (atleast till I get a job). I have to admit, I lack the qualities that make a good housewife, get rather restless at home. Hmmmm… I am working on making a resume and intend to join the “mega job search” marathon soon enough.

Lemme know for sure if you know any openings for a MEMS process engineer or an electro-mechanical engineer…. J I am good at what I do and hopefully the people who hire will agree with me ;)

Soccer right now dominates my home sweet home. With a hubby who keenly follows the game, I decided to throw my hat in and made an attempt at understanding the intricacies of the game. I can now declare myself to be keenly waiting for the finals on Sunday and my vote is for Italy. With France winning with a doubtful penalty goal, I have to say to my untrained eyes Italy’s play against Germany seemed much more skilled. Pardon me if I am wrong, but I am rather new to this arena of “Soccer world” and to me one of the main benefits of seeing the soccer is that I get to cuddle very cozily in front of the TV ……….

Signing off at this note… itz me again back to the world of blogs and bloggers!

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Am I blessed?

It has been a while since I visited anyone’s blog. Life has been keeping me busy. At work I wanted to finish something (I did not have to, but I wanted to) and I was working towards that. Today I am finally done with it…well, not quite but I just have one more step and I am sure that will work fine. So here I am finally feeling a sense of achievement seep into me. Yeah! It feels good to think I have done the work well. I have wanted to wail aloud when my masters took long, but now that I think of it, I never really had to pay a single penny for my education here. All through out I was funded and had a great professor.

Struggles were many, frustrations aplenty but somehow through all that I had hope. Hope has got me through, and now 29th looms ahead and before I know I will be done with my defense and masters.

Meanwhile, I have also started to feel sad about leaving some people behind. Sometimes in midst of talking, I find tears not far behind and it takes all my will power to control them from falling down my face. SIGH! How do people who were strangers not long ago come to mean so much?

Today I just feel I am very blessed in my friends, husband, family and work (oh yeah, that too).

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Thesis done!!

Yo yo .. I am swinging, I am dancing .. I am even going round and round my table.. yo yo………………

I can’t believe I finally finished writing my thesis. Phew! What a relief and when my prof. said “Good Job” I was in the seventh heaven. I finally really am at the end of this journey of my life. I am defending on 29th June (hopefully, until something else comes up) and I can’t wait for it.

Yeah! I am a lil’ worried about my job and everything which will come after I graduate, but who gives a heck… I am happy that I am finally there.

I know this is stupid but I have this incredible urge to put up the “acknowledgement” part of my thesis in this blog. Since the time I have started writing this blog, it has always been a place where I write whatever is in my heart and right now I feel like shouting aloud “Thank you” to all those people who helped me come this way… so instead of having my acknowledgement in a thesis which may be no one would read I would rather acknowledge those people in this blog of mine!

however, on second thoughts I should possibly spare the few readers of this blog the headache of going through all my ramblings. I just know I am right now ready to hug all those who helped me on my way. I hope this lucky streak continues and i defend without any hitch, and do a good work of it too.

Oh yeah! I am happy today!

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Dollops of emotions and a dash of sentiment!

Well… here I am writing again about feelings and thoughts. My blog has often been called by a few friends of mine as the “relationship/sentimental” crap. Each time I hear that I can’t help but smile. I write as I think and being a cancerian, I think a lot deeply and more sentimentally than many people I know. Sometimes it bogs me down and sometimes it boosts me up. Oh yeah! I am yet to learn how to think with my mind. For me feelings, relationships and sentiments will always be at helm (I can literally hear my hubby groaning right now). Life has mostly been kind to me, I of course find ways to ponder over it, but yeah it has been kind (touchwood) and sentiments are rather free flowing. May be now that I am 24 on verge on becoming 25, I should rethink the way I think and put my rusty brain to work for once. Marriage hasn’t changed me, if anything I have become more emotionally charged.

I am defending at the end of June (Yes! Finally will be done with masters) and will be leaving behind the school I have come to have a love-hate relationship forever. However, as I think of leaving.. a kinda sadness engulfs me and I can’t help but feel sad about leaving behind people whom I have come to care for immensely. I will be moving in with my new hubby (high time, distance isn’t doing much good to us) but at the same time I will be in NYC looking for a job. I hope I can get one…logic tells me that everything will be fine, but my heart still beats hard thinking of all the unknown things I may have to face. I am not a very brave person (I like to show on contrary but deep within I battle my fears constantly). I hope I can be good at what I do, and I hope I can be satisfied with what I have. Hmmmmmmm………………..a pretty daunting list by itself, tells me how many miles I have to go before becoming mature enough to handle my life my way!

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

ever thought of dying?

Killing oneself is often said to be a coward’s way out to the problems facing him/her. But personally I think it requires a lot of courage. There have been times in my life when I would pray to lord to take me with her, when I just wanted to die and let others be happy. I am sure all of us must have gone through such phases while growing up. Each time I would imagine myself dying and leaving the lives of one I love in peace. May be a new beginning for them and an end for me.

However, never once have I actually tired killing my self. Even when my heart felt like it was being torn apart, even when I knew I had caused someone I loved to hurt….. I just couldn’t bring myself to do so. My heart would ache and I would pray hard to god with all my heart, but I never had courage to bring the knife near my wrists.

Perhaps it was due to the tiny spark of hope which never left my side. I always wanted to see if things would get better. I wanted to always make my loved one happy. I don’t know if I can ever be a success in truly doing so…..but I do know I will try till I die ...............naturally.

Sunday, May 28, 2006

Anti-reservation agitation in India

My sister is on a hunger strike, my hubby’s favorite topic of discussion is “Quota system in India n’ dirty politics”…. And as the anti reservation agitation continues, we Indians seem to have reached a deadlock. Today, I do my part by writing what I think of the whole thing.

Well, having quotas has always been a part of Indian constitution. When India got itz independence in 1947 perhaps it was something which was needed. So we had separate reservations for SC/ST, OBC, minorities etc etc. We grew as a country and so did the quotas!! The question is not whether quota should be increased or not… the question is whether the quota system should be there at all? I have a lot of SC/ST and OBC friends and their financial status is better than mine ever has been. I see so many poor in India who never get a chance to progress ‘coz they do not fall in one of those reservations.

Today we stand on the threshold of being called a country to reckon with… yet we refuse to let go of age old agendas. Time has come for us to have an income based reservation rather than caste based reservations. By making more of the caste-based reservations, we are not only creating inequality but also re-dividing our already divided society! What happened to “united we stand, divided we fall?” Huh! Seems like it was one of those class room lessons which never made it to real life.

Every single day I get a mail informing me about some poor medico dying of hunger.. each time I open a news website I see pictures of the agitators, I see my sister and her friends (all medicos) passionate about the whole issue,… why is the government turning blind eye to the people? When is our politics and politicians gonna finally be “for the people”, when will they stop looking at doing things just to gain some political mileage? Do we the people of India have any say at all in our country………democracy…Blah! To me it sounds nothing of that sort!! I am sure government will not retrace itz steps and never listen to people…….. letz see if my prediction comes true…………meanwhile all we can do is protest , so go on….do that!

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

couples, culebra island and more !

Now a days I find this incredible urge to see snaps of couples… as a result I seem to be seeing snaps of people I don’t even know. Hmmm…..wonder if itz gotto do with the fact that I myself am hitched ? Somehow seeing a happy couple snap makes me feel better!!! Perhaps getting married is equivalent to getting a lil’ weird………..

Anywaz seeing these snaps keeps reminding me of my honeymoon in Culebra island (Puerto Rico). It was definitely one of the best times I have ever had in my life so far. This 7 mile long island captured my heart with it amazing beaches. 20 miles east of Puerto Rico, it lies in middle of nowhere and has the most amazing snorkeling reefs.

Thankfully, the place which we choose to say gave us best possible privacy. It was like all your fantasies coming true… a glass cottage on top of a hill, a private swimming pool…. Oh yeah! It was loads of fun. The white beaches with itz transparent blue water and amazing fauna swimming alongside you just made the place all the more enchanted.

We did crazy things… went snorkeling, kayaking, sang aloud on the beaches, made sand structures (we choose to make Indian God- Ganesh)….simply chilled out. I even drove a jeep….fulfilling one of my closely held dreams.

I got to wear a real cool swimwear, a sarong and an incredibly huge hat. When I saw the hat lying on one of the racks in the island shop, I knew I had to have it. It seemed so “beachy” and so “out-there” like the island itself. Buying and wearing something so impractical seemed just one of those “impossible” things possible in the island. The islanders were friendly lot and food is supposed to be real great as well (Veggie’s like me have choices rather limited, but my hubby enjoyed his food).

Even while we were out in Culebra town, somehow it seemed to us like we were alone. We walked alongside in harmony, arms twined, enjoying nature and the fact that finally we were “officially” together. Each time I looked at my hubby my heart literally sang. Just realizing how much joy you can gather staying with this one person makes possibilities seem infinite. Any doubts I am in love and reveling in it??? SIGH………

Next post will be up when I am done mooning over my darl’ and stop smiling like a fool by myself!!

Monday, May 22, 2006

GROAN

Married and separated so soon makes your heart ache constantly.

I am back at my school…..trying to finish what I started. I feel a sense of loss… loss at having left behind whom I cherish most. Things wouldn’t have been so bad if things were smooth in school. The machine which I work on again has “non-operational” tag. Already my defense has been postponed…initially ‘coz I wanted to get married, then ‘coz of machine and now again I feel my heart sinking. I am wondering why I am being punished for the inefficiencies of my school facilities?? I have worked, and worked hard….. I feel so bad and so broken when things go so badly wrong. I am so petrified of looking out for a job.

I have always been very confident of being able to make it. I was conceited enough to think that I was smart. But now with all this my ego, confidence is all down in dumps. I thought god helps those who try…..so where is the GOD now ????????????????????I am looking for a miracle to happen, I believe in them…………………I have to!

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Labyrinth.... by Kate Moss..............

When I first saw this book in London airport, the summary in the book jacket caught my eye and I knew I had to read this book. I was fascinated by the fact that it binds the lives of two women born centuries apart. So when I came back to US I made it a point to read few reviews on the book. Well, since Labyrinth is essentially a religious thriller with focus on Holy Grail comparison to the Da Vinci code is inventible. As a result most of the reviews weren’t really promising.

But for me, I was interested to actually see how the story shuttles back and forth between eras. I wanted to see if the author could do it successfully and stand on its own merit as a religious thriller. Well, as usual my curiosity got better for me and I spend my dollars on buying a hardcover version of the book (read $$$$$).

Armed with a desire to read, I turned one page after another and before I knew I was turning the last few pages of the book. While Labyrinth doesn't move with quite the frenetic pace of Dan Brown's thriller it still manages to keep you hooked. Many reviews complained of it being long slow read, but I think of it as being more involved. I love the way it has been written, seamlessly segueing the movement between time….almost effortlessly tailoring two lives in different centuries. Of course, the end wasn’t as spectacular as I expected……….. however, for me it was a complex, intricately plotted, century spanning tale (words borrowed from one of the reviews, it was so apt that I couldn’t resist using it!)

Beware: This is not a book for historical buffs and for those seeking more information on Holy Grail. It is an interesting read only if you take it for what it is – Fiction…..

Monday, May 15, 2006

I am back....................married now

I am back to the world of blogging, this time around a married woman. Hmmm… I hardly knew when I made this transition of being a girl to being a woman. Well, to tell you the truth I am enjoying being married so far. I had always thought that being with one person 24x7 would be a highly boring proposition. But being with him just makes my appetite for him grow more.

When I look into the mirror, I can see that I look my worst. The marriage completely exhausted me. Post-marriage week was the most hectic one I have ever had in my life. I even pulled down a lotta weight (which is surprising considering the rich food which we were being fed). So the new me presently sports hallow, underfed look and inspite of this when I see a spark flare up in my “Hubby’s” eyes- it just make me wanna croon and hug him tight. Yeah my feelings for him seemed to have reached a whole new level.

May be it’s just the first flush of being a newly wed which is making me so groovy, but I feel like mine is one of those “happily ever after stories” (touchwood). He is a sweetheart and he is mine (and I am his) and some how having this someone in your life to share the things with you just makes you so glad. Simple things - His smile, the way he sneaks in and hugs me, our comfort with our silences, leaning back on him, sitting together and eating………….all make my heart fill.

Truly speaking being married doesn’t actually make much of a difference… we had a strong relationship earlier too and for us getting married was just to tell the whole world that we are committed to each other. But I have to admit that some how tying a knot seems to have increased our comfort levels with each other. Hmmm.. on the other hand both of us just don’t feel married….for us being married meant being old.. and if anything marriage seems to have made us feel a whole lot younger. Yeah yeah! I like being married to this person, I like my heart being full all the time…….

Monday, April 10, 2006

Homeward bound

So whats special about the London airport? The answer is "nothing other than the fact that I have to spend over 4 hrs in transit before I can catch my flight to India."So here I am blogging, and surfing after paying some pounds (and man things are expensive here)!

Am I excited about going to India after 1.5 yrs, getting married? Well, I am a lil' of that and lil' petrified. I shall be seeing my in-laws for the first time after our marriage was fixed. Though they are excellent people, love marriages in India is still something of a taboo and I am hoping that they come to like me as a person as well (after all they are also gonna be my family)!!

I am flying home single and will be returning as a much married gal.... sounds BIG, while one part of me is excited about the whole idea of sharing my life with someone I love so much, the other part of me is filled with "what ifs?". Hmmm... prone as I am to the constant ponderings this is nothing new.. I just know that at this point in my life I am so much in love with the guy I am about to marry in 20 days, that it sometimes feels like I am flying..................

Ahh... the ecstacy of being in love (SIGH)

Anywaz... I am not expecting to blog for atleast a month from now (initally due the wedding and later of due to the Honeymoon (yeah yeah I am blushing as I write this.....)...

As I am about to enter this phase of life, I feel everything a gal can possibly feel ............and I am happy to report of an instant feeling of euphoria as I think of being Mrs. from Ms......

More updates later............as life progresses !!!

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Hate..........alien to me, yet there in me

So far my hate list consists of only one person –“R”. And whenever I think of R, I feel a blinding rage fill in me. As this alien emotion clouds me and my thoughts, I seem to be unable to remember anything good about this person.

I am not proud of this emotion, not at all indeed. For me it is very difficult to not like anyone. I am a kind of person who usually never has problems in letting go of ol’ smelly things and when I don’t like someone I find myself either not bothered, or eventually finding something I like in him/her.

It has been a long time since this “R” left my life (more than a year), I have taken no efforts to keep in touch with her (nor has she). However, today when all of sudden I saw her snap somewhere online, I found all the rage, pain and hatred resurfacing. May be HATE is a strong word for the feeling I harbor for her, but in my 24 years of life, never have I disliked anyone so much.

She said so many things which not only broke my heart, but I also hold her responsible for breaking a friendship which meant a lot to me. In my mind I like to call her “poison ivy” and for me she will always remain that!

I wish I had in me to forgive and forget, but somehow I find my self incapable of doing so……………Am I wrong to dislike someone so? Am I wrong to still hold on to my rage ? I dunno the answers to these questions of mine, but I do know for the first time in my life I find myself incapable of finding any good in a person and I am really ashamed of it!!

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Sonia Gandhi.....hmmmm... I have a lot to say about her!

I personally have never been a big fan of Sonia Gandhi and I truly believe that a country like ours should be ruled by a person born and brought up in India. However, I have to admit that the current “office of profit” controversy dodging the Indian politics makes me wanna reevaluate my opinion about Ms. Gandhi. I thought of her to be a political green horn, who had come to helm just because she married into the Gandhi family. But by resigning from the Lok Shaba, as well as from National Advisory Council she has just managed to mum her detractors. I have to admire the way she has handled the whole issue. By giving up two major positions of power in last two years (first not becoming the PM and now this) she has certainly bought back congress into limelight. I think of this decision as rather strategic one aimed with bringing a wave in favor of congress.

Of course it is now a well known fact that power actually resides with Sonia Gandhi. Initially, by giving up the Prime ministership, she made headlines and gained sympathy of a large chunk of Indian population. However, even though we have Dr. Manmohan Singh at helm, the Indian cabinet is expected to read the signals from 10 Janpath (where Sonia resides) and act accordingly. Hence in making that very sacrifice which enhanced her status, she became a political big-wig.

Now with her resignation, she has again shown that she does know how to handle the political pawn very ably. With the chaos in Indian parliament regarding the proposed ordinance, her decision to resign not only saves her embarrassment but also allows her to gain political mileage again. Again, the whole country is hailing her resignation as “Yet another sacrifice”. However, I am surprised that very few actually think of this decision as one aimed to have an impact.

The bottom line is that Sonia Gandhi is adept at the political arena, and her strategic planning certainly deserves kudos. Whether or not it will help our country is a completely different issue….letz wait and watch!

Thursday, March 16, 2006

In my own words...my story

I was thinking if I ever write a autobiography it may look very similar to this (have to say found it rather unlike my usual style of writing and amazingly boring when I read through it once):

A lil' bit of History

Here’s my imagined scenario of what might have happened on the fateful day of 16th July 1981 when I came to this earth wailing and screaming: “It’s a girl”, the nurse at Martha’s hospital, Bangalore, told my dad. My mom, held me tight, afraid of dropping me. Dad comes in, peers into my face and beams at mom. Both of them are ecstatic at becoming parents and fall in love with me as soon as they see me.

A few years down the lane, I become a pain in the ass demanding to have a sibling as everyone I knew, even those stupid girls “Sheena and meena” down the lane had one. And each day I cried, refused to come home, made a huge ruckus till Archana, my Sis, my joy came into this world.

Naughty like hell, crazier than anyone I knew, Archana became the one to complete our small family. We fought like dogs, pulled each other’s hair…..tried to show off who was better, but thankfully much to the relief of our parents grew up into “Nice” loving girls (or so I like to think).

I choose to pursue engineering, ECE . Stayed in hostel, made life long friends, freaked out, had fun….

Then came into USA to do MS in mechanical engineering, met some more people… made some more great friends. Somewhere in between all this met Shiva, fell in love and am all set to make our own “happily ever after” story.

Current Affairs

I seem to be having a torrid affair with both my masters and Shiva together. Masters seems to never end and right now am adding finishing touches to my work, and doing a lot of technical writing (GROAN, I hate it). Will finally (hopefully) defend my thesis and finish my masters in June. Right now looking forward to marrying "THE MAN OF MY DREAMS" and getting a job which satisfies and challenges me.

Futuristic Mode
The future looks bright and rosy with Shiva by my side. Am looking forward to setting up our house, learning to drive his “geared” Honda accord, cooking some terrible meals, fighting and making up, in general living life to itz fullest. Have ambitious plans of finally making some serious money, getting a job and shopping till I drop dead . With specialization in MEMS, getting a job in the same may prove to be a lil’ tricky. But hope prevails and who knows what lies in the future. Will be joining Shiva in NYC in June and start living the life of “Married but HOT couple”. We (rather I) do have plans of adopting a cute dumb looking BIG dog in 2-3 yrs. Hmm… the rest is undecided and we will take it one at a time…after all isn’t life about being “spontaneous” ?

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

The curse of chubbiness

I have never been thin.... from the time my gynecologist helped my mom to bring me to this earth I have been struggling with a constant dose of chubbiness. Thankfully with time not only did I grow older, but also grew in height. Today at 5 feet 8 inches I like to think that I can comfortably carry off some extra weight. Ever since I remember I have always been meaning to but never really grown that “model thin”. I would love to have a 36-28-36 figure. Alas! That seems to be beyond my reach. Every morning, as I get into my jeans, I swear to myself –“no cheese, no fat, and a lot of exercise. However, long before the day is over I find myself easily breaking each of these promises. I can’t help being engulfed in that cozy warmth of laziness… hmmm… heavenly abode! I think I have the curse of “Chubbiness”, but sometimes once in a while I manage to hoodwink myself into thinking I am “Sexy, Voluptuous female” (Olalla). Those are the days when for a change I wear my heels, lipstick and eyeliner and feel really hot, sexy and good looking. Of course, these rare days usually occur when I am with “HIM” and that’s good ain’t it? I have colossal plans of joining aerobics and gym after marriage (whilst I am looking for a job) and turning into this female having a great figure!! Well, a lotta of my friends advice me to pre-pone plans and become so before the actual marriage ceremony (The idea is to have the guy salivating, or so I have been told) But, well I want to reduce for myself, and not for someone else. So I refuse to combat with my Chubbiness as of now and as far as tempting the guy is concerned… I am already secure in the fact that I am wanted and I am sexy in the eyes of the one who matters!
So today, at this point in my life, I proclaim my honest and sincere intention to fight and win against my cursed chubbiness ………………..eventually :)

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Suggestions needed for wedding invitations

So here I am sitting and looking through the wedding cards. Hmmm…..idea is to design an e-wedding card. But well, my brilliance n' creativity seem to have deserted me and frankly nothing on the net really catches my fancy. You may wonder why an e-wedding invitation when a nice paper wedding card looks so much more elegant. The reason for it is simple, this way I am sure not to forget inviting people I know (they would just be a click away). But it turns out to be a lot tougher than I imagined it to be. I just don’t like anything and being an illiterate in graphic designing doesn’t help much either. I like a few wordings, but nothing I am really crazy about! Some wordings that I read are so downright boring that it just amazes me.

At this point, I am open to any suggestions on wedding invitations ……so if u happen to read this… gimme ideas about wording and designing card…. I need them!

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

A bend around the corner ......

Life takes a strange turn at times and sometimes when it does you wonder to your self “Why me?”. But with time you realize that that turn, that bend around the corner actually did good things for you.

Long time ago, when my mom (being a typical Indian mom) started harping me about getting married I had to give in and tell her “Ok do whatever you want”. And with that one sentence began the search for the eligible bachelor. With arranged marriages prevalent in India this was not something out of ordinary, and I was resigned to being with someone who was my parent’s choice. I was requested (rather asked) to speak to one guy whose family my parents liked a lot. Well, he turned out to be such a major jerk that I was left wondering about the Indian guys in general. I just spoke to him once, but that once was enough to shatter my illusions about “Nice, good-family Boys” Every minute I had spend talking to him felt like I was attending some interview. Blah! With each growing minute I wanted to strangle that neck of his!

At that point in my life, I was sure I would end up with some jerk or with someone who would not share my ideologies. I am ashamed to admit it, but I was prepared to face disappointment and make the best of what I had.

But after this episode ……when one of my very good friends admitted to having affections for me, I decided (unlike the other times) to explore this further. I thought to myself “Here is someone I genuinely like, admire and already care for, why not see if he makes things roll for me?” and now I am going to get married to this person in a months time. I am the happiest I have ever been. He has turned out to be everything I could ever ask for in a guy. And he does make my world brighter, more colorful. I admit initially when we started dating, I wasn’t sure and was certainly not in love with him. I had previously never believed in mixing friendship with dating. For me it started out rather casually, I didn’t want to get married so soon, I wanted to just date and see how things went. However fate had something planned for me already….. The more I got to know him, the more I like him and before I knew it I was deeply involved. April 30th is when I am getting married and believe me when I say “I can’t wait to be with him”.

Today, I face the possibility of my defense and hence my graduation being postponed by another month. And somewhere deep down in my heart I believe (have to believe) that this may be just another bend around the corner ………………………………

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Friend and emotions!

Today after a long time, I chatted with a friend who was once closest to me. There was a time not long ago when he was the one I turned to when I was low or when I needed a friend. But somewhere down the lane I seem to have moved on. Having one serious relationship seems to leave me with no energy to maintain another intense friendship. I sometimes feel ashamed of myself at having let go of something which I had valued so much. I am amazed at my capacity to get over a person so easily. This trait of mine scares me a little. But if I think of it, I think the reason why I take no effort to keep the closeness of this friendship lies in the fact that I had been hurt a lot once or twice. And that just perhaps broke my heart then a little and now I am scared of getting hurt. I still care a lot for this person (care doesn’t go away …it lingers on) but I just can’t take it to being hurt.

My dad has always called me “a sensitive, emotional girl” and I have to confess I am that and more. I cannot go half hearted into any relationship, be it friendship or love. For me when I care... I care deeply. I had been accused once of being “aloof” by an acquaintance, but I call it “self-preservation”. I have some wonderful friends and each one of them is almost like a family to me. When someone getz a job, to me it feels like I have one…when someone graduates I am delighted (a lil’ wistful abt my graduation I admit, but truly delighted for my friend)….for me each of my close friend is a extension of myself. And when a friend like that hurts me a lot I just have to break the thread for my self-preservation.

I know I am going to get back to being friends with this person I chatted today ‘coz I have been healed. He no longer has the power to hurt me and having my love (rather dramatic) by my side has made me grown as well. But as I write this I think to myself “I take my time to make truly close friends, I am a pain in the ass sometimes myself, I throw tantrums but I really hope I never hurt anyone I love so deeply that they feel the need to stay away from me!!” I pray for this and prayers said from within the heart have a way of being heard (at least that’s what has been told to me).

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Man, Woman....and Mardi Gras



Whats with men and boobs? I have always known that men have a major fascination for boobs and the extent of it just became rather evident to me when I went for Mardi Gras in New Orleans. There were men drooling over some rather sagging breasts and woman flashing for beads.Of course, I won’t deny it… it was fun to begin with, but I just got bored after a while. I had heard so much about the (in)famous Bourbon street and had been determined to visit it in itz full glory before I left Louisiana. But I have to say it fell rather short of my expectations. Being an Indian gal, I expected it to shock me, embarrass me. However, to my surprise I was neither, rather I found myself amused at the bumbling efforts of men in general to get a look at “those mounts” which they don’t have. I thought to myself “hmmm… Men get high pretty fast” and also wondered about the equation of men being so enthralled by breasts and woman no so much with the dicks. May be there is something wrong with me, but I personally never had an utmost desire to see strange men’s member. I admit seeing that would have probably offended my senses. And thankfully I got to see none of that in Mardi Gras.


All said and done, after a series of collecting beads (possible even without flashing), exhausted, bored and tired of the rather mundane scenes surrounding me, I finally ventured into a club. The music was good, some GNR, some BA, some Aerosmith….shook a leg and then “BOOM” one of the ladies (close to 40) decided to undress. And man she had some for her age, even I had my eyes popped out and was rather fascinated by the fact. I was like “WOW” check them out and thought to myself “Gosh! Hope I look like that when I am that old!!”.

It was then that the realization dawned onto me. Mardi Gras is not only for men who want to see boobs, it is more for women who take pride in themselves. Woman, who make things happen, woman who have the right to show whatever they want to. It is one fest where woman gets to shed her inhibitions and say to whole world “look at how gorgeous I am”. Yeah! Definitely it is more that just showing ur assets, more than just collecting beads and getting drunk. For a woman it is/could be a place to build and boost the confidence in having the capacity to bring the world and men (literally) at her feet!!!!

Friday, February 24, 2006

An article which struck a chord within me!

I usually don't cut and paste any article... I have always believed that anything in blog should be just original penning down of thoughts and muses. But today I choose to make an exception. I read this article and it struck a chord so deep that it would be just fair to put it in my personal place. It is something which is so true that as I read it I feel a sense of Deja Vu.

Read it n' c if does the same for u as well.

-----------------------------------------------------------------
Have you ever experienced a moment in your life when you just ran out of words and you go...s i l e n t ???



Let me assist you in recalling.....

the moment when you left your home for the first time and you look
back at your parents who are worried that their son/daughter are
leaving them yet happy that their child took the first step towards
independence.

the moment when the girl/boy you like most.. smiled back at you!
You don't say anything.. you just smile back..

the moment when you get better marks than you expected... those
"numb" moments of ecstasy n surprise "is that true?"...

the moment when you are parting with your old friend(s) and the
train has just started... and you are standing on the door of the
wagon.. waving "bye-bye" with your heart beating fast...

the moment after the HR manager has just called you and told
you,"You are through! Congrats!"

the moment when you sit alone in your room after having told
everyone that you cleared that exam you prepared for 6 months!!


You can go on remembering your "special" moments!

I had always wondered why I never said anything to myself at those
moments.. as if it was "understood"... happiness, joy, pain.. all
feelings just flowed ceaselessly in the 'years' that passed in those
flash moments!


They say.. the best way to communicate is through "silence".
Love. Joy. Grief. Surprise. Anger. Hope. Expectations. Support.
Non-cooperation...

Can you imagine the importance of a silent moment in a song??
When Bryan Adams stops for a while along with music, before he goes
on in his husky voice... Please forgive me. I can't stop loving you!

Ever had those moments when you thought you were tired enough that
you reach for your bed after dinner.. but find yourself wide awake
looking at the roof of your room silently...

But you sure are 'thinking'... those moments of self-talk are the
most important in our lives. Those moments when we listen to our own
hearts! Those promises... those decisions... those are the moments
when we make our destinies!

Next time you go silent... listen carefully to what your heart is
saying.. listen to its joy...listen to its pain.. listen to its
fears.. listen to its desires..

Don't make it shut up and go off to sleep...

LISTEN TO THAT VOICE and ACCEPT EVERYTHING IT SAYS!
That voice alone can lead you to the abode of peace that your sleep
lacks... peace that awaits you!
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Monday, February 20, 2006

Yet another bout of pampering myself

I finally got it… yeah after so many months of contemplation and thinking about it, I finally decided to leave caution to winds and go ahead pamper myself royally. I got myself a whole new make-up kit, went to Dillards with my roomie to shop for her birthday and ended up having a make-over. Considering the fact that I am 24 and have never ever used make-up, it was kind of defining moment for me. So I went with a full-splash, to lancome counter (ahh! The cheaper ones are not for her majestsy) and decided to finally take the plunge into the much womanly arena of beauty.

My fingers were folded to form a fist, to hide my nervousness I had my hands hidden in my lap. I was scared that the lady at the counter, giving me a “make-over”, would end up making me look like a “OOOOOOOoooooo EEEEEEEKKkkkksss”. I was scared that the make-up may not actually look good and I may end up looking worst than before. I really wanted to look gorgeous after make-up was applied (which girl doesn’t??) but I wasn’t sure if I would even look passable.

All said and done, I went ahead, a brave warrior facing the mirror… and woah! To my surprise the bright pink blush actually made me look good and the foundation actually made my skin look translucent and the eye make-up gave me a exotic look. Well, my self-esteem (which always suffers) had a huge boost when I had the whole Dillards’s make-up section “ohhh ahhing” over my long eyelashes (my grand mom’s gift to me). I admit I was embarrassed, but at the same time it was like a balm to my idea of “I don’t really look good at all” thoughts. Well, after spending whole lotta money, I had a lady walking by tell me-“Wow! U look good gal!!” and trust me for once I am not feeling bad at spending my money. Yipee…. I finally have a make-up set… and I feel all womanly now ;).

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Ponderables

I saw this rather fascinating question in my friend Gaurav's blog

"If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?"

This made me sit up and wonder about the more mundane and rather illogical things in life. Here are few other "ponderables" which really make u hmmmm… haaa… rather deeply into the intricacies surrounding us and which when thought over definitely bring up a smile …… so read on and see if they make u ponder as well

• If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
• Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
• Why, if blind people wear dark glasses, don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
• Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
• Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
• Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?

And my personal favorite one

“If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?”

Sunday, February 05, 2006

The issue of "Privatization"

I just fail to understand the current opposition the Indian government is facing on the issue of ‘privatization’ of the public sectors. The strike by the airport workers regarding this just indicates the Indian government's faltering efforts to open economy. It is the time that the Indian government stuck on to its initial disinvestment policies and allowed an environment of freely competitive markets. Only competition begets excellence and such excellence is an essential ingredient to improve the infrastructure of our country. With world’s second largest population and highly corrupt politics, time has come for India to move forward, leave behind some ancient policies our founding fathers adopted and go ahead with privatization scheme. For those who fear loosing jobs, well….. Tough luck…. A good employee is almost always retained and a skilled person will always find work aplenty. I may sound tough but well world no longer is a place for inept. Privatization brings with it a policy of “be good or be gone” and I think that is something which will make the present public sector employees (those with a “who cares” attitude) sit up and tighten their belts. I foresee goals being met on time, work being done with diligence and our country making progress by leaps and bound ….hmmmmm……….sounds great ..doesn’t it?

Well, for this dream to become a reality it is essential for the common man to have a sense of clarity about the objective of privatization (I am still trying to figure out the pros and cons. So far my balance leans heavily towards privatization). The government should have a clear time table and needs to be strong about its stand in this issue. Dilly dallying would be no good and the privatization could become yet another famous “5-year plans and policies”. And for educated people like you and me, it is our duty to know the difference and voice our opinions. You may wonder to yourself “Blah! How does voicing our opinions make a difference?” . Well. It may not matter much, may not have an effect… but mabbe someone who is not aware of existence of such an issue may read about it… know about… get curious enough about it to form his/her own opinion about it..perhaps then someday our "for the people, by the people" goverment will actually listen to the logic. Perhaps someday then, a country like ours which deserves the best ….will get the best.. and be the best!

Thursday, February 02, 2006

God be praised

Yipeee… I am ready to swing dance… where is my partner…. Where are thou my Romeo?? Where? ……
My heart sings and my eyes are lighted… I see hope, bright shining hope that my dreams may yet come true! Yeah baby! I am a beautiful happy gal, swirling away… and if I were wearing a skirt instead of my jeans u could see the swirl better!!

The reason: MACHINE IS WORKING (finally)… it is still non-operational in one essential function, but meanwhile I can work on something atleast. Oh! The constant heaviness which accompanied me has suddently disappeared and find myself singing and crooning some age ol’ songs. Am keeping my fingers crossed and praying that from now on everything goes smooth. Pray for me…

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Here I come.... all geared for traveling on road to happiness

Finally a day which makes me happy… the machine is not yet fixed… but I am going to keep my hopes up from now on. I decided that keeping myself occupied was the best possible thing to do…so I started learning LabVIEW (its simple really) and also went and persuaded my prof. to gimme some new work. So here I am fixing some cryopreservation stage and feeling happy ‘coz at last I have something meaningful to do. Meanwhile my prayers are on for the machine and I hope that things will soon be back on track….. and I have stopped thinking about “Oh! At this rate I will not graduate by March”. I have decided that being a graduate student is tough enough without me having to ponder about this over and over again. In the time I find myself free….. I am gonna look at some contemporary art on “Google” (I intend to put up small paintings of women at various stages of undress in my restroom in future) ….so well, I have a whole lotta things to do … and pondering and feeling sorry for myself is not one of them!!!! Yeah!! I like my current attitude already (Due to absence of graphics…please imagine a smile with a wink)........

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

How?

I am sitting here, staring at the computer and wondering what to write. I have so much to say, yet find myself contemplating about what to leave out. The happenings in my life aren’t many, but yet to me it seems like life has come to a standstill. I have friends telling me to get over this phase of “self obsessed introspection” but somehow I find myself unable to do so. I get up and come to school, find that the instrument I need to work on is still “Non-operational”, have so much more to do, wonder if I will be able to finish it before I set forth for India in April. The worry eats me and there is nothing much I can do. I laugh and speak normally but thoughts gnaw into my heart… I find myself unable to answer the question “When will u finish?” I think I am depressed, I no longer like talking to anyone ….mabbe ‘coz everyone has the same question in different forms. I just want to graduate and get over with it… I am tired……………….. I don’t know how to deal with it. I have to get over this and look forward to the future which promises me so much. I have to think about good things like Marriage, Family and Friends……….but how do I do so when my mind is so clouded and heart so heavy??? How indeed?

Friday, January 27, 2006

Today.....

I am feeling lonely today. Inspite of having Shiva, my family and some great friends I am feeling lonely. Work is not going well, I think probably ‘coz I just did not put enough effort. I am missing home and him. I just can’t bring myself to speak to my friends here about it. After all it is my burden to carry, why let anyone know about what I am feeling right now. I hate talking about my work with anyone, I like to deal with the things at work myself. There is a lot happening on work front which should not have happened, some of it (no perhaps, most of it) my fault. Knowing that I am to blame for the crap I find myself in, I find it difficult to even tell him about it. I am ashamed of myself at the moment and that shame is so great that it denies me the right to share it even with my own. Friends….. I have …….. but may be I am just not the kind who evokes strong feelings in people. May be I still have to grow and learn not to expect from people, that way I will not be disappointed. Perhaps, the mistake lies in me… I become too emotionally attached with some and when I am not responded in kind I find heart heavy with indescribable feelings. I hope in future atleast when I work I don’t ever have to ask anyone for help (for I know now that may be asking for help is very close to “using them”). Today, I have promised myself…. I am going to work and find everything I know by myself irrespective of how ever long it takes. I also will try not to feel so lonely, so alone and stranded………………..I have to do that…………. I have to survive with dignity n’ pride!!!

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni... her books make me think about .... a lot of things

Over the past few days I have found myself literally devouring the books by Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni. Perhaps, the fact that all her books are related to people from India, my country, holds me so much under its spell. All her works have a rather fascinating innuendo in them and speak about old “Indian-ess” which I somewhere along my quest for modernity seem to have left behind. Her books speak about Bengal and Bengalis whose culture is so far removed from mine (I am a south Indian army product) that I find myself puzzling over the stronghold they seem to have over me. The stories linger on in my mind long after I finish reading them, each of them making me think and analyze the depths of my own thoughts (some of them murky) which I had so far been unable to fathom. The fact that all her stories are so deeply engulfed with reality makes me think a lot about my country which I have left behind. I find my self wondering with awe over the deep rooted culture of ours, about the traditions and superstitions which form the backbone of the rural-India

Surprisingly, I also find in myself a yearning to live in those traditions and make some of them mine. . I have always prided on the fact that I have had a modern upbringing (by Indian standards), with mom who has always been my bestest friends but, this yearning to know more about my culture and traditions brings with it a thunderous flash of edification about myself !!! (I have always so far mocked at the so called ol’ fashioned ways and outdated thoughts which people still stick onto) However now I am forced to admit that our culture which at times seems so stifling to me (even now) brings along with it the undeniable love of elders. The old try to seep u into their ways, we revolt and think of them as fools, but wat we forget to c is the immense love that they have for us which makes them want to pass on their traditions, their ways to us.

Reading these books take me down the dusty lane of my memories and I remember the love of my grandmom (my mom’s mom) when she would put us to sleep by telling us stories and making us pray. I remember combing her white silvery hair and of her making my favorite “Tamarind rasam” (YUM). I remember sitting with her while she read books to me (I think I may have gotten my love of reading from her and ma) and her feeding me those rice balls with her hand. I miss her and my eyes fill with tears as I write this. In this moment of introspection, I hope somewhere down the lane in future my children at least learn to appreciate these love soaked traditions and culture which binds the hearts of the family so closely and tightly and makes India unique from the rest of the world.

Monday, January 23, 2006

U have to read this!!!!!

I read this amazingly hilarious post titled "2005: A crappy new year"......haven't laughed as much for a long time and very well-written ..give it a try... c if it makes u howl/ smile as well..... hav fun reading :)

Marriage advice- available in abundance

With marriage looming ahead, I have been receiving advice from all quarters. When I call up home, mom is like “Beta, don’t cut ur hair…let it grow longer, it will look good in snaps” and my sis “Please wear leghanga for the wedding instead of saree… u will look so WOW”. The question which I have come to abhor with all passion is “So when r u coming to India? Come at least one month before the marriage”. With me working against time to get my thesis in shape and complete my work, this is the last thing I have in mind and somehow this question just ticks me off. I hate the idea of having a huge wedding (which BTW we are having), of smiling and posing for snaps with people/relatives we don’t even know (which we will be doing). But well, knowing Indian weddings and the hungama surrounding it, I am just glad that at least I got to choose my own hubby. And he is an amazing guy and I thank lord everyday for giving me the gift of him, I hope our love just grows and grows as we grow older and wiser (?).

Anywaz, my dear friend, keeps advising me on how I should be exercising daily and look really amazingly beautiful on the marriage day. She says very knowingly (I can almost see her smile her knowing smile) “U don’t want to turn the guy off on your wedding night u know!!” As usual I nod my head and vow to myself “I will take up swimming again “(which I don’t think helps to reduce, but that’s the only form of exercise I can tolerate). But somehow after struggling with writing thesis and facing the frustrating attempts at fabrication (MEMS device) I just seem to be mentally tired to do anything. I come back home early (I am back by 7.30pm) and I do have a lotta time to go work out. But I end up curling up with a book, listening to music and just relaxing. Its still there in my list of things “I want to do” but I know one thing for sure… I want to exercise for myself and not to make myself attractive for someone else (he is attracted enough for him to marry me and I guess the rest he will have to deal with/ get used to).

I even had a few people telling me “hey U have to reduce as u will look FAT next to him”. Well, I am 5 feet 8’ and for my height I can carry my weight well enough, I may not be thin but I am certainly not fat…. And I am just tired of people telling me to reduce. I know all of them mean well (after all they are my dear friends) but I also know this “he loves me and he cares for me, and I am attractive to him as he is to me” and I think thats all that matters at the end. I am ready to work-out take all efforts together with him, but right now……. I just don’t have the energy to think about “OMG! He is so thin while I am so much on the other end. Will people think we make a good couple?” I just know that I love him a lot (more than I have ever loved anyone) and if that love can’t carry us through, becoming thinner and having the most amazing figure certainly cannot!!!!

Hmmm…... extending on the list are these few more things –“Drink atleast 1.5 lts of water everyday”, “ Don’t color ur hair”, “Put some kind of face mask every day” (Till the date I have never got a facial done ….I agree itz time to bring about some changes like this), “stay off cheesy and fired stuff”, “In India, get a whole body massaged every day 2 weeks before marriage”, “Get something for your facial hair”, “Don’t use oral contraceptive pills…they have side effects”, “Don’t tell him everything, not good, keep something’s to urself” (I tell him everything, including sometimes high criticism about his side) and my favorite from my grandma “Use haldi (Turmeric) on your face it will make u fair and don’t drink coffee it will make u darker than what you already are!”

Advices are welcome… I agree all of them have my good in their heart, but please, I am glad when they are told once or twice and not over and over again. I like to think that he likes me the way I am (atleast I hope so) and he is attracted to even when I am as I am now and I would like to continue thinking so. All this “concerned” advicing about looks department…just somehow makes me feel so “not good looking” and I really want to feel beautiful now before marriage. It may be an illusion but it is one of those I would like to harbor (at least for a lil’ while now). Telling me over and over again about how I should spruce up myself before the D-day just makes me feel real bad about me and my looks. I may not be a great looker (infact a looker at all) but I certainly don’t want to be told about it again and again. I just want to stay in my dream world and think I look beautiful in the eyes of one who matters and not wonder about “Oh! Does he find me good looking? Do I attract him? Will he like me even after he actually see’s me?” …………………..No let my illusions be and let me hold on to my golden dreams of “Happily ever after” ‘coz sometimes dreams do turn into reality ………………

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Abortion...my views on it!

For some reason, for past few days, I have been reading a lot about abortion laws and rights. Mabbe its due to the fact that a friend of mine (newly married) had a pregnancy scare and while telling me about it she also mentioned about having considered the abortion idea (They are still in a financially delicate situation). That got us yapping (as women usually do) on the pros and cons of having one and stuff like that. Well, after having this conversation, today on the eve of the 33rd anniversary of the legendry Roe Vs Wade case which altered the abortion scene all over US, I couldn’t believe that there were so many people actually protesting against the right to having an abortion!! I agree a late term abortion (after the tri-semester) shouldn’t be allowed legally or otherwise, however, I just can’t agree to the idea of a woman having no say as to whether she wants to have a baby or not. It is woman who has to carry the baby for nine months, whose life changes forever after birth of a child, whose body bears the mark of bringing another life to earth. Then why should the woman not have a say as to whether she wants to have a baby or not? As a matter of fact, how can anyone who has not been in a position where abortion is an option knows how it feels? I am sure that most of the women who opt for abortion do so ‘coz their options are thin. The anguish and the guilt which a woman must face while making such a big decision must be huge by itself without adding an issue to legality to it. I am sure even in case abortion is declared illegal it wouldn’t actually stop people from having it. Infact, women who feel they have no other option would still go for an abortion, in such a case, in shady clinics. When we have options for everything in life (like skimmed milk or full fat milk, Marriage or live-in relationship, here or there..etc etc ) without any legal issues involved, the issue of abortion is also simply a matter of choice and all women in the world should have a right to make this choice!!!

the decision to have an abortion generally should be between a woman, her doctor, her conscience, and her God

Monday, January 16, 2006

Joys so far this year... this time......

So herez my first post for this year……

With holidaying and moving into a new apartment and of course loads of pending work I hardly found time to sit and write. Right now even as I am writing this I have been changing my address on all possible credit cards and of course, USPS. Shifting by itself wasn’t as stressful as I thought it would be, infact I got quite a kick by sitting in the front seat of a u-haul truck (which of course my skilled friend drove, I was just a passenger gaping out on the roads from a seat so high up!!). The good thing about the new apartment is having my own room!!! I never thought I missed having my personal space so much but now that I have my own room its just so much cooler. Yesterday, just for the heck of it, before going to my dream world in the night, I threw my intimates on the floor. The freedom of being able to do so was just exhilarating. In the morning instead of changing in the restroom, I choose to change in the room. I didn’t have to lower my volume while speaking on the phone in the night and I get to keep my room the way I like it. I can now have my bouts of cleanliness and sometimes live like a pig. I guess I am feeling this all the more ‘coz its over 2.5 years since I have had this kind of space for myself. Of course the fact that I like my apartment mate (my ex-roomie) a lot also makes staying like this cool ‘coz I know that she is still there for me when I really am low or down.

Another thing which I realized this year is that I actually have become attached to roomie (now apartment mate) of mine. I came back from NYC earlier than she came back from her holidaying and I actually happened to have missed her. It just seemed strange not to have her around. Sometimes you take people for granted and its only when they are not around that you realize what they mean to you. That is exactly what happened to me. I never realized when and how she made a transition from being a roomie to being a friend!! But I am glad that she did and irrespective of whether the feelings are mutual or not…. For me she has become a friend I look forward to having around.

And now coming back to talking about having my own room…….I think itz great also ‘coz it may be the last time I could ever get to have one. I am getting married in April (OMG!! Itz true….. I shall be soon joining the ranks of the old “committed till death do us apart” kinds and the funny thing is that I am actually looking forward to it). And of course once married I can’t possibly sleep in a room of my own (I have a feeling I wouldn’t like to either ;)….). So getting this kind of space is kind of great.

Speaking of marriage, my trip to NYC made me realize that I am a terrible “housewife” material. I hate having to do nothing and I am constantly on an itch to go out and wander around (which I did do while he was slogging away). I could also turn out to be a perfect nag if I sat around at home for long. So itz highly essential for my sanity (and his) that I get a good job soon….otherwise …god help us newly married couple (in futuristic mode). Hence I have decided to start looking out for jobs sometime soon (resume…application….GROAN).

I can go on and on about so many other things... but work becokns and I have to answer itz painful call....so herez me signing off ....hoping to be back again soon...with another post,....another day!